Who do I confide in?

I'm torn... I want to post a link of my blog on my facebook page, I want to repost my post on facebook about crying and the hurtful and painful words from Mike. about how they seem to poison my mind, always at the back of my head telling me how horrible and pathetic I am. He's told me, while I was crying, that I always cry. I was crying because he had been yelling at me, putting me down while he tried to prove a point and be right. It hadn't started as an argument, but he turned it into one...

That's how things have been a lot lately. I wake up and I find myself being yelled at and being put down, I say something to him and he takes it the wrong way and blows up at me. I've come into the bedroom to take care of Scott and he tells me how I'm a horrible mother because I get myself ready to take care of him, which often takes hours, before I take of him which means he cries while I get ready. He yelled at me when my parents were here because I took advice from my mom about raising our son.

He yells at me and makes me feel bad for asking for him to watch Scott so I can take a break. He'll point out that while I spend all day taking care of Scott he helps out by bringing me things. Of course while I'm taking care of Scott he's off watching movies, playing video games, playing WOW and hanging out with his friends online. While I'm abandoned in the back room taking care of Scott. He was at least taking care of Scott while I slept but he doesn't really do that any more either. Every time Scott cried last night he brought Scott up to me and asked me to feed him.

Every time he has an excuse for why he is being so hurtful... there is hardly a kind word between us. He's always on the computer on WOW chatting with his friends with the head phones on, ignoring me. I have to yell or repeat myself constantly to finally get through to him through his head phones. Just tonight I tried to take a bath and I got jolted out of my bath as he bangs angrily on the wall asking me to take care of scott again. I hadn't even washed yet but he urged me to hurry...

The things forfront in his mind is his game, his son and his friends... and then me by proxy because I'm taking care of Scott. God why did I put myself in this situation? Why did I take him back after all the pain and suffering and heartache he had caused when we were just dating. He always had an excuse for what he was doing then too. He's also a very good and convincing lier. you've seen it first hand. How hard is it for him to come up with some lie about why he mistreats you. Just like he had an excuse for why he ignored and hurt you then.

Why did you stupidly marry him? He didn't even propose to you, it was something you just discussed. he doesn't defend you against his family, half the time he doesn't even listen to you especially if it's against what he wants or stubbornly wants to hold on to. Every day he has some kind of put down for you, every day it's one argument or the other over something so small but he doesn't want to let it go, his voice raises and you always end up in tears... and he makes you feel even lower for crying when he hurts you.

He yells at me for asking him for help when I'm taking care of Scott, he yells at me when I don't ask for help. He yells at me when I'm trying to sleep, putting me down once more because I have trouble sleeping when he's making loud ratteling noises and waking me up to feed the baby. Even though I'm sick as well all he focuses on is how sick he is, how he is sicker than me... He's got to be better, bigger, has to make himself feel better by putting me down.

I knew he was verbally abusive... so why did i take him back? Is it because I grew up with it, is it because I'm so used to my mother being verbally abusive that I'll go back to a verbally abusive boyfriend and then end up stupidly marrying him. Now that we have a child it's all the more harder to leave. Also lack of funds makes it pretty hard to get away as well. I may have a car but not enough gas to drive back home. I've been thinking of going to a homeless shelter... but I think they would take Scott away from me because I don't have a home. I don't want to leave Scott here though... not in this house.

The only other escape I can think of... is one that I would hope and pray that god would forgive me for. The sad thing is that even if I ran away the poisonus words would still be there, still hurting me, still putting me down... but at least there wouldn't be any new things for him to hurt me with. When I got pregnant, he yelled at me. Now that Scott is born, he yelled at me some more about me being a horrible mother. He puts me down for wanting a break away with some time to myself.

I want to go over to the bed right now and start hitting him with a pillow and telling him how I hate him for how much he hurts me. How his painful words wont go away, and they keep eating away at me hurting me more and more each day. So much so that I want to kill myself just to get away from him.

They say God doesn't give you something you can't handle... God I can't handle this... I can't keep doing this alone being hurt every day while I sit alone taking care of a baby in the back room ignored by every one except when they want to see the baby...

Can't I go free? I feel like Scott, money, and distance have chained me to the wall and from there I am tortured, whiped and poisoned. Mocked for my pain and tortured more until I'm nothing but a sad pathetic heap crying in the corner. Too afraid to reach out, ashamed to admit I stupidly married a man who hurts me so.

as the deer

I know what a weird title for this blog post but that is the song running on Pandora right now and for some reason that was all I could think of for the title. Mike's dad has been causing turmoil once more, this morning he just started a fight yelling at mike that the cat was going to attack the baby and a bunch of other bull shit. Saying that the cat needed to be put down and that they are useless. *sigh* it's sad and annoying that he seems to be trying to drive us out. If he didn't want us here he could just say so... but I guess then he would have to face the fact he is being a dick when if he drives us out he can say it was our fault.

Not that I wanted Kenny and Tina to live here, and Alicia had taken their side so she wasn't much of a room mate either. But I can see how Mike's dad drove them out, angered them to the point that they said they were done dealing with his shit and moved out. If we had the money I would be getting us moved out of here right away. But sadly with no income there is no way we could afford a place of our own let alone have a room mate. No one really wants to room with a married couple and their newborn baby. Baby's cry, it's just a baby thing.

*sigh* what's funny is that Mike's dad shows absolutely NO interest in Scott what so ever and yet he's saying all this BS about the cat and the baby. He is just using the baby as another excuse why we should get rid of the cat. And then he yells saying we never asked his permission to bring the cat in. I'm sorry I just assumed when EVERYONE ELSE had a Freaking cat or dog that we could bring in a pet of our own.

And if he wanted to go into what animal would cause the most damage to the baby, then I would tell him that it would be his dog. Not only would the dog try and jump up on Scott thinking to play with the baby and thus scratching, and crushing the baby. But also the dogs piss and shit laying around the house the fumes from that cause baby's asphyxiation. So maybe what he should do is start taking better care of his dog. Who he doesn't even have sleep in the same bed with him half the time anymore.

If you are going to have a pet then you need to take the responsibility for it and take care of it. But from the looks of it he had everyone else raise his kids just like he has everyone else take care of his dog. he's a selfish grumpy mean old man. The thing is he doesn't even realize he's selfish, he seems to think that he is a wonderful guy. I'm sorry bringing in people who need a place to sleep and then letting them use up all your hot water, sit around the house fiddling their thumbs and not even TRYING to get a job while listening to awful music is not being kind. It's just plain dumb. Not to mention treating complete strangers better than your own family is also cruel.

Art gets to stay here rent free, while we still some how have to come up with the money for the cable and internet. If we hadn't paid that bill than we would still have phone service right now! and mike is still planing on giving his dad 200$ when he gets paid his unemployment check. 100$ for this month and 100$ for last month. Neither of which month were we able to pay rent. I think we should just keep it and throw it aside for money we will save up to move out of this awful place. Mike is already depressed enough without his dad yelling at him trying to cause fights.

I think since Kenny and Tina moved out he's turned all his meanness towards us. The both of us try to stay back, trying to not cause problems and yet he has to find and nit pick at every little thing we do. we clean up the house despite the fact neither him nor his couch crasher clean up the place. He yells at us to clean up and doesn't say a word to Art (couch crasher) who does most of the dirtying around the house and just sits around on Mike and I's computer playing around.

He's a lot like my mom in the fact that despite all the bull shit he pulls and the fights he tries to cause, he never apologizes for it because some how in his mind he thinks he is in the right. *sigh* I honestly am considering that when we finally move out that we are not talking to his dad again. Not like his dad really cares anyways, he doesn't seem to really give a shit about mike. He only lets us stay here because 1. we help pay rent. 2. we pay for the cable and internet. 3. we let him use our computer. and 4. because he had no problem letting people stay at his home. He does that for complete strangers and he's kinder to them than to his own family.

if we moved out I doubt we would hear from him, he only called us before because he wanted us to help him play pool. But we just couldn't stand giving up so many of our days just to play pool. so anyways I doubt we will hear from him which is fine, he doesn't really care about his son or his grandson so it doesn't matter. He does care more about his daughters but I couldn't really tell you how much more he cares about them than he does for Mike. He's an ass hole, a terrible father, a terrible room mate. A horrible and irresponsible pet honer let alone man.

*Deep breath and sigh* Okay... I guess I'm feeling a little better about it now. I wanted to make my opinion's known this morning when his dad was doing this shit but it was already angering and depressing him so much that he demanded I drop it. So I did, though begrudgingly. It's not remotely fair that he can bitch about things all he wants and when I want to put my two cents in I need to shut up.

Which reminds me, Mike is still not back... He left around, I think, 2:30 and it's now 7:45, he's been gone almost 5 and a half hours. Makes me a little worried that something happened, a car accident, they got mugged... I don't know. I wish our phones were working so I could call him and see what was up...

If he has died though... and my car is totaled, I am taking what I can pack and I am begging my parents for money for a plane trip home. Because there is no WAY in hell I am living here with that man without Mike here. I'm sure he'd let me stay here while of course being a total dick. but I don't want to put up with his bull shit without Mike around to block most of it...

*sigh* ... God can I please just go home? I don't even mean Washington I just mean can I go to a place that is our own, were we don't have infestations, were we don't have room mates who make living here a nightmare.

did I make a mistake?

I'm sorry to burden you with this but I'm not sure who else to talk to about it. two years ago when I decided to move down to Florida I honestly thought that God was telling me to move here. Now I'm not so sure if it was my own fool hardy desire to run away from the home I knew because it was becoming boring. I had a desire to run away, to get away from under my parents hold, to run away.

But the minute I moved here... actually within the hour I even left Vancouver things went wrong. Maybe when I hit that block of black ice, hitting the center partition and did a 360 to the point that when we finally stopped I was facing traffic, facing home. Even now I can't call Washington, Washington. I call it home. I don't even do it intentionally I have to watch my words to make sure I don't say it.

I hate myself for saying it but I want to run away. I want to go back in time and tell myself not to move to Florida, not to take Mike back. That he is wrong for me, that I can find someone better, that he doesn't deserve a second chance. And when I say run away I mean entirely run away. From Mike, from Scott, leave everything behind but what clothes and things I can stuff in a suitcase and fly back home.

I always have to watch my words when it comes to Mike, I can't say I dislike something or he'll start yelling at me saying that I'm always negative. In fact just today I had mentioned I didn't like the kind of song Art, our couch crasher, was listening too. Next thing I know he's saying I'm negative and that all I say is that I hate something or don't like something and that every word I say is negative. Then he tried to say that he was only referring to me being negative right that very minute when I pointed out to him that he's called me negative on multiple occasions and that he has been the ONLY one in my entire life to call me negative. He calls me racist too, which is beyond me. I don't judge people because of their skin, I never have. Because strangers make me uncomfortable what ever the skin color, I'm suddenly racist? Again he is the only one to have ever accused me of such a thing.

He never almost never defends me, or takes my side when it comes to anyone. Our room mates are always right, his dad is always right. Hell when his ex friend (who stole his laptop and multiple other things) started sending me sexually abusive texts (talking about the things he wanted to do to me despite my constant asking of him to stop) Mike didn't do anything about it, nothing. that was part of the reason why I broke up with him in the first place. His dad says all this shit about me, about me being lazy or a horrible mother and tries to tell us how to raise our son. Mike doesn't say anything. When Kenny and Tina were making my life miserable, harassing me, at one point physically assaulting me, and smoking in the house when I was pregnant. He didn't do anything.

I think back on all the things that have happened over the years I have lived here in Florida and I see all these signs that I didn't pay attention to. I should have listened, I should have stayed in Washington. Should have kept my job and kept working on putting money into savings. I could have used some of the money I saved up for the trip to Florida, on Sakuracon. An anime convention I've been wanting to go to for years. I should have even used some of it on a plane trip to New orleans for the Dark Hunter Convention, a con for one of my favorite Authers. I should have stayed with my friends, with my family... I should have realized when I grew sick with missing them that I should have gone back. two years later and I'm still home sick.

I'd already had proof during the year that Mike and I were apart that I was appealing to guys, I had plenty of guys lining up to date me. I don't know if I was following gods orders when I came down here or my own. and if I was following my own then I only have myself to blame for the situation I find myself in. Married to a guy without a job, who only works minimum wage jobs, who doesn't put forth the work required to get himself a better job. and weighted down with a kid, which only makes life more difficult, as if it wasn't hard enough already.

If I hadn't married Mike I wouldn't have gotten fired. If I hadn't moved to Florida I wouldn't have gone so long unemployed I would still have my job and I would probably have bought myself a foreclosed house or townhouse by now. My car wouldn't be so beat up, the list can go on with all the positive things that would have happened if I hadn't moved to Florida.

And here I am complaining about Mike not defending me and snapping at me over so many things, when right now he's in the kitchen heating me up some turkey pot pie. And he's been helping me out a hell of a lot better and a lot more than his father cares for. The grouchy bastard.

I do love my son, and if some one verbally attacks my father in law I will defend him. though I doubt I'll get the same curtsy from him. Mike 'is' depressed from his lack of a job and the fact that he feels like less of a father because he can't provide for his son, just like his father and step father didn't provide for their kids. I feel like they are just excuses but I understand that I would snap too under those situations. I am a bit snappy too because of our situation in life, because both of us are not working right now.

I'm not exactly a princess not am I easy to live with either. I have my faults, even now I fear that I'll become the kind of mom that my mother was... not a good one. I don't want my son growing up thinking that I hate him, or that I blame things that go wrong on him. and I certainly don't want to ever throw him into a closet, or make him feel even worse when he was already upset from being bullied at school. My mother made what the bullies at school did seem tame.

Truth be told I think I need to see a counselor. get some help. Find out why I want to keep running away, maybe help me settle things with myself over how I feel about my mother. Still... I wish God would let me know some how that I did the right thing. That I'm on the right path. I know parables mention how the easy path is the wrong one, the path of sin and all that. And the hard path is the rightouse one. But honestly I think the only way I would be taking the easy path is by running away.

I don't know if going to Florida was the right thing, and still... I want to run away. And when Mike hurts me... really badly. I am more than ready to pack my bags and leave...

I hate that things are strained so badly like that right now.

...
*Sigh*

should be glad

With how everything has been lately I'm pretty surprised that I haven't wanted to take a gun to my head yet... I don't want to post this up on facebook because... I just don't want anymore pity. How is it that things are already looking a bit dim but possibly survivable when suddenly everything falls apart.

I had medical issues and had to go on maternity leave earlier than expected. I got my last unemployment check which we used to pay off almost all of our bills. We had finally started to catch up and it looked like we would be able to survive on just Michael's income alone. Then he comes home one day fired, he'd worked there for over 2 years and they fired him with no warning, no write up, nothing. at the worst possible moment for him to be fired...

We'd tried to apply for food stamps, but Michael being the procrastinator that he is. Never got around to actually filling out the paperwork until a month after we'd filed for food stamps so obviously it get's rejected. we are trying to survive off of what we have... and we're almost out of money and no money seems to be coming in soon enough. My car's brakes are going, and we don't have the money to fix them AND eat. I'm afraid for the baby because of this, God was I just not supposed to have this baby or something? Why does everything have to not just go wrong but it gets worse and worse?

My prayer's are unheard... Mike isn't even trying to get a job anymore... He just lays around the house all day playing his video games or going over to his friend Dennis's to play video games there. I don't know if he even cares, like he's laying back and just watching everything fall apart. We don't have money to pay car insurance, or the phone bill or bright house. We've been stretching every last penny out to keep ourselves fed. My parents gave us 200$ and as much as I didn't even want to TOUCH it... we've already gone through almost all of it. Going to have to touch the money in our savings too. We didn't have much... just 50$ in the pickle jar.

There are so many things that need to get done... and Mike wont do them. He just sits around, right now... all fucking day long he said he'd get the dishes done after this or after that. Now he is complaining of a headache and laying on the couch probably about to fall asleep. I hurt myself trying to clean the room for when we try to switch rooms tomorrow. I don't know if we're even going to get it done because I don't know if Mike is even going to try.

I don't know why I haven't attempted to kill myself or even wanted to. I just cry when I get moments of weakness like this and other times I try to do what little I can to try and survive. Scott's due date is just a few weeks away and the way things are going he might be a little early. Mike wont help me with anything... I feel so alone in all this... like I'm trying to struggle through all this by myself while Mike just sits back. And I can't even do much because I medically and physically just CAN'T.

The best way to explain how I feel right now... I'm being ripped apart emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm in pain every where and in every possible way and while I'm being tortured this way I watch my world falling apart. All while I'm trying to bring a new life into the world and I don't know how I'm going to keep him alive.

Good and bad news

about a week ago I got the bad news that my unemployment had run out. I received my last check... 90$ ... and was told that was the last of it. *sigh* I was pretty upset... but instead of crawling into bed and crying (I fought that temptation all day long) I started putting out app after app after app. It's been a few days now... and oddly out of no where I got two gals who responded to my Craigs list post who actually KEPT talking to me. Unlike a certain someone who just suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. 0.0?

First it was Stephanie, she just sent me an email out of the blue and I happened to notice it while I was looking at email responses to my job applications. sent emails back and forth then talked over the phone and then last night we hung out at a friend of hers. She cooked dinner, I made the mash potato's and we watched the movie "the Losers" it was very cool.

I couldn't get her to talk to me for a while all of a sudden and I worried that I had said or done something to offend. But the same day that Steph and I started talking again Sarah, who had sent me an email that day, called me on the phone. Turns out she's like 2ish miles away. Within walking distance. And so that day she and her two oldest met up with me as we went for a walk on the road.

Today she asked me over for dinner so I got a free meal. Twas nice. ^_^ yup yup. oh and yesterday I had a job interview. YAY! ^_^ *does a little dance* *yawn* so... yay for... good things... here's hoping that more good things will start to happen. Like a job... and friends... and NO MORE MONEY PROBLEMS! and stuff... and a safe baby delivery. ... Hm... I wonder... am I at week 24 now? or week 23? I don't remember. bah. I think I'm 6 months along now. WOOW! scary!

Thinking positive

So much harder than it sounds sometimes. When times are tough and things don't look like they are ever going to get better... it's so hard to think positive... they days will get tougher and you'll hope and hope for something only to have them dashed... or go from one bad situation to the next... Like what's been happening with Mike and I.

Or what happens to people stuck alone in the wilderness all alone with so little food and little knowledge on how to survive. I think I'm starting to learn that... to keep yourself positive, to not think negative thoughts... you need to keep your hope... and you need to stay positive.

Just... REFUSE to let go of your hope. KNOW that some how things will end up alright... I know the world is cruel and I know things often wont go the way you hope. But somehow someway just believe that things will work out. And some how it will.

I've got to look at the positive... something that's been so hard since we moved down here to Florida. I've lost so much of my hope with just one bad thing after the other happening... I've some times lost some of my hope in god... but I haven't lost my love of him... just ... question if god even cares anymore. I know he does but when things seem like it's only getting worse it's hard to believe in just that.

I have a husband that loves me, we have an income coming in, I have time and a chance to get a job. We have a roof over our heads. We have food, we have a baby on the way a mix joy yes but the good thing is I have a family that supports us even with the long distance. I have medicaid to pay for the medical bills, we have food, we have a working vehicle, and we have another one that we can sell. (since it isn't working and we both don't really wanna drive it)

things will work out. Some how... before our 5th wedding anniversary we will be living in Washington state, we might not have a house of our own but we will have a home, and jobs, and money coming in. We will some how have a renewal of vows so my family can attend that "wedding" of sorts. and things will work themselves out.

It'll happen. I just need to believe and keep hoping that it will. Of course if we happened to win the lottery (just a few grand, maybe 20 or 30 grand) that would go a long ways towards that hope. Heck we'd even have a home of our own and I could get my bachelors degree. *sigh* ahh dreams. *grins* okay I'll hope for that too. I'll hope for the several million but I'll be more than happy with the several grand. Even a few hundred would go a long ways.

So.. here's to trying to think positive. Hm? THINK POSITIVE!

Finally gave in

Ugghhh how do I explain this... I used to have two different... "toys" to take care of my needs from time to time. They weren't super spendy or anything but after a while of being married I finally threw them away. For a few reasons, I was hoping I would never need to use them and because eh... no place to but them they were getting dirty. But... well as I think I mentioned Mike just hasn't... been in the mood lately... at all...

I mean... SURE I can get him hard no problem but... does he actually WANT to have sex? or even play with himself? No... not really. *sigh* I have to literally FORCE sex on him... which I can tell you right now just depresses me more than anything else. We both agreed to get me a new toy... since I'd thrown away my old ones. After I bought it though and started to drive home... I started crying just thinking about the why. Why I even needed it in the first place.

I couldn't help but think... what was I doing wrong? Was he cheating on me? Had I just turned him off? Was I doing something that made him not want me mentally anymore? And he wasn't seeing anything or anyone he wanted physically or emotionally? I just don't... know. He keeps telling me that he's just not interested in sex anymore, hasn't been giving himself hand jobs or anything... but that just makes me... worry. Scared... afraid that the second he finds someone he's interested in fucking... he'll start cheating one me... because he found someone who could give him something I couldn't...

I don't know who to talk to about this either... it's more than a little embarrassing... What am I supposed to do? Message my parents and ask them advice about mike not wanting sex anymore? I don't know what to do... don't know if he's cheating on me. I keep asking and he keeps saying no, I explain why I am even asking of course. I don't outright accuse him of cheating, I just say that it is often a sign of a husband cheating on his wife when he's no longer interested in bedding her. We haven't even been married a year yet and he's already done sleeping with me.

I don't know what to do... *sigh*

Don't belong

Well it's not like anyone reads this so they wouldn't see what I posted on Facebook... but I'll go ahead and repeat it again. I woke up from a dream feeling really depressed and all I could think was "Why don't I ever belong?" I'd been with a group of girls in my dream and... well like I said. I didn't belong. *sigh*

this happens to me all the time where ever I go. When I'm at work (If I had a job right now) or with so called friends, or Mikes friends, or at church or at youth group... or even with my family. I just don't fit in anywhere I go. I'm always on the sidelines and I'm just put up with more than I am excepted. NO one gives a crap about me or what I say and no matter what I do to try and involve myself in the group I just don't fit in. It drives me crazy. And makes me horribly depressed.

I mean even when I was at Heathers party up in Washington state while I was visiting. I didn't really truly feel like I belonged but I tried to just enjoy the company of people I care about and missed seeing. I was only there for a week so I never really got a chance to get to hang out with them though I tried very hard to spend time with people. Went and hung out with John, twice, cause he was so fun to hang out with. Wasn't able to hang out with Laurie though we did try. Then we got to hang out with Jamie.

But we really wore ourselves out trying to see everyone we possibly could and we still weren't able to get everyone in during the week we were there. Not without completely wearing ourselves out. Now I didn't feel as much of an outcast then but it's there. I try to talk and I'm ignored... or no one even listens to me... Like I make a suggestion and then someone else will make the suggestion after I'd just made it. I'm like... "huh? But... I just said that..." "Oh really? we didn't hear you say that"

*sigh* Lonely... I feel defeated before I've even tried... as you might guess the past few days or week I've been feeling pretty down. Lonely, hurting, frustrated... I feel like no matter how hard I try nothing good is going to come out of it. I'll just keep pounding against an unfeeling and uncaring door. Anyone on the other side is just going to ignore me as I keep pounding away because... I don't matter.

It wasn't my prayer's that got K and T to leave. It was my grandparents. I feel like even God ignores me sometimes. Like no matter how much I pray or beg or try to talk to him he can't hear me... or wont hear me. I've been spurned by God. And I don't even know what I did. *sigh* I cry when ever I think that... can't say that means it isn't true just that it matters deeply to me that God cares.

Well I guess not much else to tell right now... so... yah... bye?

*deep sigh*

Okay... so I'm not as angry and upset as I'd been last time... *sigh* ugh... I wouldn't say I'm happy right now... I keep wishing for a way out of here, a way out of this situation... and as much as I KNOW that there is no easy way out. There is not going to be some miraculous winning of a few thousand or even a more so miraculous 30 or 40 grand. I still wish for that one Million but... you know... reach or wish for the stars and you'll still touch the sky. *laugh*

Like I said though, there is no easy way out. No one is going to rescue us from the situation we're in. God isn't going to get us home... he's not going to get us the money we need to take care of Scott. No one is going to help us...

I hurt when mike yelled at me saying he was so sick of my bitching, that all I ever said was negative things... I talked with Dominique about relationships and love... and about trying everything you can to make things work before reaching that point where enough is enough. I start to see that it would be better for Mike if I was just gone. There wouldn't be me or the kid to worry about, no more responsibilities from us. No more burden, he wouldn't have to deal with my negativity... or my wishing that the house would be clean, that people would do their part in keeping things clean.

He wouldn't hear me "bitching" about actually doing things around the house... He yells at me saying I don't do anything he asks but just yesterday I brought him his phone when he knew I didn't want to do it. Didn't want to get in the breeze that had no AC and drive through the burning hot weather to get him his phone. But I did. And then today he wanted spaghetti but didn't do a thing about getting it made. So I did it. He took a minute or two to butter some bread and then went back to his game play.

Sometimes I wish I was a hermit. Lived by myself and only went out to spend time with people when I felt like it... Definitely wish I could live off of my writing. So I wouldn't have to leave the house and or apartment unless I felt like it. I would live back home in Washington were there are no fucking roaches anywhere. Because it's too bloody cold for them. Yay. There would be a few insects in the house or apartment but non like the ones I deal with here.

I could drive back to Washington and if my parents wouldn't let me sleep on the couch then maybe my friends would. Zack or Mike Kenning, or if I'm lucky Tatiana, Maddy, Heather, and Teresa. Just a few friends of mine. I'd have to get medicaid again... possibly talk with them about getting it transferred to Washington state. I could get myself a job, maybe at Add security for a while. I'm sure they'd rehire me while I tried to get on my feet.

*sigh* ... it wouldn't be easy doing that either... but maybe it's time I just left... I could leave... the 360... and the Tv... I don't need any of it. I could always borrow my parents computer when I need to get on the net once and a while. *sigh* ... I'll miss having him near by... miss having him around even if... I rarely get to actually spend time with him...

I thank god that Kenny and Tina are gone. and that hopefully I don't have to face them ever again for the rest of my life. And... I'm pretty sure... I wont ever get involved with someone ever again... I know I'd make some poor smow miserable if they ever made the mistake of dating me. Besides I can always tell them I'm married... just wont tell them that we're separated... Not to mention typically a woman with a child is less likely to find a boyfriend.

I want friends... I want to go home... I want to get away from Florida... and I want to have my baby with my family near by.

I don't know... I guess if Mike and I had that several grand I'd stay but only because then I wouldn't be so much of a burden on Mike. We'd finally have a place of our own... and we'd be able to move to Washington state. I mean... I really want the 1 mill so we could buy a house... and have money left over so we could pay taxes, electricity, and what not with the interest left over. Nothing big and fancy, and Mike and I would have jobs. We wouldn't super spoil our kid let alone let him think we have that much money.

But then I could go back to college, and get my bachelors... and then I could get the kind of job that I actually want... well besides being a published auther. such silly dreams... we keep buying those tickets though... hoping for that miraculous win. But even so... even with all that... if Mike continues to act the way he does... in other words miserable to be around me, and lost in his games... then I'd probably leave anyways. Tired of being hurt and ignored... but yah... it's my fault... cause I'm such a bitch... you know? yah...

Sick and tired of this fucking house

*deep sigh* Yah... I think that's the best bet for me to say. I'm sick and tired of this fucking house. Sick of this HOUSE sick of the freaking bugs that seem to magically find their way in here all the fucking time. I don't get HOW but they do. I guess all that cig and pot smoke helped keep the insects (aside from the roaches) out of the house. Because now there are tiny bugs everywhere, termites, and of course roaches.

No one's done shit about it. Mike and I tried to get something for the roaches but the store didn't have the item we wanted and as much as the situation has been much on my mind. it has not been on mikes mind at all. The trap under the sink is broken, and if I had any idea how to fix the stupid thing. I would do it! But I don't. And mikes dad keeps saying he'll fix it but he never does. We live in a crappy house. The tub doesn't drain, the ac constantly breaks the back porch smells horribly of vomit. That's because mike SAID he would take the garbage out two fucking weeks ago.

Mike and his dad do nothing to help around the house. No sorry when mike FEELS like getting off his lazy ass he'll do the dishes and if I'm lucky take out the trash because other wise that's ME. His dad did the dishes ONCE. Since Kenny and Tina have left he hasn't even once cleaned the house in any shape or form. He rarely takes his dog for a walk and even if he does it's only for like 5 minutes. So his stupid fucking dog shits and pee's all over the floor and harasses my cat.

He doesn't do shit for Mike and I either except how to take car of our cat or our kid. or fucking hit me or try and harass me. He doesn't do shit to punish or try to get his dog to behave. When the dog goes after my cat he yells at my cat for "edging the dog on" like hissing at a dog when it's trying to attack you is edging it the fuck on. Mike and I both know it's not CK's fault but he refuses to think other wise. I can't try and punish the dog because that's being MEAN and treating it like Kenny did. (Which is such total bull shit)

I'm tired of Dominique being here. SO FUCKING TIRED. I'd like to NOT have to sit by while someone who is a guest takes over all my shit. every day of every hour. It's like I have to ask politely to use shit I paid my own god damn money for. I'm tired of no one cleaning up around the house. No one sweeps, no one mops, no one cleans up messes they or their stupid dog cause, all they do is lay around the house and lord it over me that I don't have a job and they are going out of their way to be nice to me.

GAH! I'm having the guys freaking grandchild and I feel like I'm being treated like a roach. Not just a roach but one that is supposed to cook and clean and make everyone else happy while everyone else uses shit I worked for. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of Mikes loud dad, who wakes me up every time he comes home yelling his head off.

I want a place of my own... now. I don't want to share my home or my stuff with these stuck of A holes anymore. In fact I'm tired of Mike's shit too. He gives me a hard time any time I ask him to do anything. do the dishes or take out the trash. I've never seen him clean the bathroom. and yet he brags that he does SO MUCH around the house.

Why don't I just take my stuff... and get out of here. wait till I get paid, then get away from here. live in my car if I have to. Or maybe a homeless shelter until I can afford a down payment on a place.

I want a bed... not a mattress on the floor. I want a home of my own... I wish... I wish I could win a few thousand dollars. just a few... so I could move home... so I could get away from this shit hole. So I could have a home... a real home... to put my child in. Not one room to another to each place some one feels charitable enough to give us. I wish mike would stop throwing money around. I even wish he would just cancel the internet and cable. We can't catch up with the bill. I wish he would get off his lazy ass and sell the stupid Stylus already.

He hasn't done ANYTHING about getting his car legal so we don't have to remove it from the property. It doesn't even work, it's such bull shit.

GOD! PLEASE! I'm begging you get me out of here!!

Want to run away

Again I'm glad for the fact that no one reads this. no one comments on this and I don't have to worry about anyone knowing how I'm feeling or that things aren't quite right... I was going to say "someone" thinks I'm a drama queen... but then again she's the ultimate drama queen, pathological lair who has to have attention or she withers. *cough cough* Harmony. so why should I care what the fuck she thinks.

But anyways... *sigh* I still don't like letting people know that somethings wrong... so I can deal with it myself, so that I don't receive people's pity... maybe so they wont be disappointed in me. I think my parents would be disappointed in me. My marriage is falling apart all around me. I'm not really sure when it started happening... I mean sure there were problems before but I guess we could deal with them, for the most part money was really the only biggest issue. well that and K and T. he hated when I complained about them... oh fuck he hates when I complain at all. It's like I have to be perfect and like and love everything.

But... I think the time when it finally all started swiftly falling apart was when he found out I was pregnant. immediately he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. Honestly with the way things are going now I really wish I wasn't pregnant and going to have a child because he's going to grow up without his parents being together. and it's not that thought that makes me cry it's the fact that this marriage has basically crumbled to the ground. That as much as I love him I can't stay here through this anymore.

A part of him hates me... he never tells me this but I see it in his actions, in his face, in the way he acts around me. He is angry at me for not having a job, he blames me for not trying harder to get a job. He blames me for the fact he's going to be a father and he's not ready and that we don't have the money to raise it. he blames me for why we have to struggle so hard just to put a little money into savings. it's a little of both our faults. he isn't careful with his money or his account and he keeps getting overdraft fee's and I have to come up with money to bail him out. I'll admit I'd have to borrow from my dad a few times to prevent an overdraft fee. but I pay him back.

Mike has never paid me back for the money I took out of savings to bail him out. he promised to pay me back this next paycheck which we both know is a load of shit. he got paid yesterday and he hasn't made a move to pay me back the 60 dollars I pulled out to bail he lame ass. I need to put that money back into savings and the baby fund. Instead he's going to use his money on something else and then bitch about how he has no spending and "NEVER" buys anything for himself. Total bullshit. but I guess he likes lying to himself and to me and it makes him feel better.

He couldn't save money before I came down here and he still can't save money now that I'm here. except that now that I'm here he has someone to blame for his troubles. Me. and he does... all the time. It hurts... *tries to fight back tears* ... dang...

He also hates me for the fact that I can't sleep through his snoring. I've tried different methods to get him to move over or something to stop snoring. Some of them made him just outright yell at me and I've tried to come up with gentler ways to get him to stop but nothing works... truth be told. so he hates me for bothering him while he's trying to sleep so that I can get some sleep. The person that means the most to him is himself.

I know the order of items that are most important to him. Himself, his games, his friends, his family (His dad and his dad's dog), then last and most certainly least is myself. then somewhere further down there are the car and multiple other things that need to be done around the house that he puts on the back burner...

In other words, unless I harass him to get anything done, he wont do shit but watch tv and play his video game. So typically I end up doing everything, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, walking the dog, trying to get his stupid car fixed. I tried to get it sold but he just undermined that right out from under me. Needless to say it's still sitting out here unsold and unfixed and he's more interested in getting his computer fixed than he is in getting the car fixed and sold. He talks about how we have two vehicles but technically we only have one. the stylus does not work, is no longer insured or registered. and now we've been told by the landlord that we have to have it registered in two weeks or we have to move it.

If I got a job it would be a struggle to get me to work and this is something I worry about. but it doesn't even dawn on him that this is an issue and he wont even listen to me. he just dismisses everything I say. *sigh*

I want to run away. Run away from this marriage. Run away from this life. Run away from having a baby, from this marriage. I don't know if I would stay here until the baby is born. so I would have medicaid for Scott (the baby) Just thinking about how hard life is going to be trying to live on my own in a car or a homeless shelter and... well I don't like the thought of it. It's a bit of a reason that I'm not leaving right this very minute. But also because it's not fair to at least give mike a chance, to talk to him about how I feel.

... As much as I've tried to talk to him about this stuff he's still going to be reeling when we discuss this. He honestly doesn't admit to himself that there is anything wrong. if I just left he would hate me and be reeling. I don't know if things will ever work out... but I am going to keep my car. Because it is my car. He can try all he wants to legally take my car from me but my name is on the title. Not his. and I bought it long before we got married so he has no claim on it.

But when Scott is born they will probably take him away from me because I don't have a job. And I wont have a home. they'll give Scott to Mike... which would suck... unless he doesn't want Scott? I know a part of him doesn't want me... and I'm sure a part of him doesn't want the baby either. God should I just leave now while he's still sleeping? I need more money in savings I think...

I just want to run away... I know it's only going to make things worse... possibly end the marriage completely... but I already see it dying before my eyes. He's not interested in me anymore. Hell for all I know he's cheating on me behind my back and that's why he's never interested in sex anymore... I wouldn't blame him... he's married to me after all...

I know a lot of it is my fault... It's because I don't have a job, because I got pregnant... because I can't sleep through his snoring, oh and because I complain about how much he plays on wow. It's all of these reasons that he hates me, why he would cheat on me, why he treats me so badly. He snaps at me and tells me not to mother him, to leave him alone, I try to talk to him and at least twice a day he snaps at me.

I can't complain about anything or voice an opinion without being put down or yelled at. His dad hits me, teasing I guess but still... what he considers a light tap, hurts. His dog keeps harassing CK, I know his dad just wants me and CK gone. I have a problem with dogs, and I really don't like dogs that refuse to behave, like Baby Girl. And of course Mike hates me for that too.

I've been yelled at for the fact that I don't handle being around the dog so well, that I'd just rather lock the dog up or have it lay down on the couch away from me. It wants to climb onto my lap or jump up and try to push against my tummy. Which is another thing... I'm fat. my stomach looks absolutely disgusting. God I'm sure he hates having sex with me now too. He looks at his life and goes... "oh god... what did I marry?" so he looses himself in his games so he can ignore me and his life and the things that need to be done.

It's exactly what he does... he hates me... but doesn't want to make me cry. So he looses himself in his game so he can ignore me and everything else involving me. The baby, my lack of a job. Money issues. It's easier to just throw everything on my shoulders, and blame me when everything doesn't work out...

I'm tired of Hurting... I'm tired of being alone... I know if I ran away back to Washington state that I would have my friends and family as support... people who would care that I was hurting. But I would also have to wait for my medicaid to get reaproved in Washington state... I wonder if I could call that one lady and talk to her about that. Maybe they could send a form to Washington state so I wouldn't have to wait for it to get reaproved. I would just have to find another OB place to go to... I suppose Tarah could point something out to me seeing as she just had her third.

I hated leaving him before... I'll hate leaving him again. It'll hurt... a lot. Cry myself to sleep every night and stuff... *sigh* yah. Not like I'm not crying all the time here and hurting and all alone. At least there I can cry on someones shoulder and be given hugs. if not told that I was an idiot for marrying him and more so for leaving him.

*sigh* I want to start packing right now... I need to wash my clothes before that though... it'd at least make things a little easier. I don't remember where I put my suitcase... maybe in the other room? I'll go look.

*sigh* bored

Well there's good and bad. K and T haven't returned, yay for that. Things seem to be a bit better now, though Mikes dad a few days back woke up and started yelling at us. About his stupid dog. Ugh I wish that dog would just get lost or something. She's stupid, refuses to learn, and isn't trained worth shit. I try to be nice to the stupid thing and it tries to jump in my lap or push it's paws against my belly. which is a BIG NO NO! I tell her NO and STOP and she keeps on doing it.

want to fucking kick that dog sometimes. and she wont stop harrasing my fucking cat. earlier CK was behaving when the dog comes running up to her, chases her into the kitchen then starts growling and barking at her while trying to paw the cat. I wanted to kick that dog in the head right then and there.

Anyways when he was yelling at us he was saying if we didn't like it we could just move out. and well... I've been kinda thinking about getting out ever since. I don't want his dad to be around with the baby 24/7. something tells me he'll try to tell us how to raise the baby and what to do like he does with his stupid dog. As much as I would like to be able to save up money I don't really want to stay here in this pig style much longer. His dad never cleans up the dishes, never cleans up after himself. never even has the decency to rinse his plate off so the cockroaches don't swarm it.

I don't have anything to kill them with but I'm still trying to cut down on them being around. Giving them less reason to even be here. that's why I try not to eat in our room all that much anymore. I don't want there to be crumbs to attract the roaches. I want us to have our own place that isn't infested with roaches the second we move in. And then I want to make sure they don't ever have a reason to get into the house to begin with. I need to get a job so we can get the fuck out.

also it'll be easier for my parents to visit if we have our own place. I mean... at least when they come to visit, if we are still living here when the baby is born then they can spend time with us in the living room, and they wont have to go into some small cramped place with way to many people. I seriously doubt we are going to hear much from mikes mom. let along get anything for the baby. she never did shit for when we got married.

I'm so bored... and lonely... and with mikes half sister Dominique here she's always using both the computer and the TV so I can't play any of my games without kicking her off of my fucking stuff. I mean she's okay but I'm ready to have her leave now. I'd like to be able to use my own shit, it's fine with mikes dad. He doesn't use any of it for long and then ends up taking a nap on the couch. not a big deal.

I'm feeling a bit trapped again... I just want people to go away so I can just spend some time doing what ever BY MY SELF! It probably wouldn't become a fight if I asked to get on my xbox 360 and used my tv. but I don't really want to face it. not to mention I still wouldn't have any time to myself. I don't want to play Fable 2 there with everyone fucking watching me and making cometary. NOT APPRECIATED! GOD! can't they just leave me the fuck alone!

I'm tired of mikes dad "teasing me" or saying shit. I tired of him bumping me or harassing me. I wish I had some god damn friends... I just want to have some friend to chat with and spend time with. I tried to do that with Faith but it just didn't work out. We really don't have much in common. I just want to have a friend to hang out with, that isn't a douche. doesn't want to just talk about themselves. and is willing to fucking listen and just hang out. All Faith wants to do is things that require money. which I do not have in abundance.

And for some reason mike keeps snapping at me over the littlest things... and I just want to go home... I want to go back to Washington to my friends and my family... to weather that's not ridiculously hot. I want to get hugged... I never get hugged... not by mike... I have no friends to hug... and I'm so lonely... and bored... he plays his games and hangs out in the living room with his family and leaves me all alone in here.

God I need a friend.

Going back

I just finished watching a movie called, "Peggy Sue got married" her husband (Played by Nicholas Cage) had left her for some other girl. She went to the Alumni reunion I'm guessing it was like 25 years? give or take. anyways she wins some school queen or something like that. And has to go on stage after running into her husband (Soon to be ex) and the next thing she knows she feints on stage.

When she wakes up she went back in time and found herself back in high school when she was about 15, almost 16. She could have chosen to marry the poet, or the nerd who she knew would become famous. And she kept trying to dump her boyfriend so she wouldn't end up marrying him. But he keeps trying to win her back, keeps fighting for her and refuses to give up.

So in the end she ends up going back to the future. Marrying her husband again and wakes up to find out that she'd had some kind of stroke on stage. and wakes up in the hospital with her husband there looking like he hadn't slept for days. there are little bits and pieces showing that she HAD actually gone back in time. But still... BLEH! I think she made a mistake.

She takes her husband back, he dumped his GF. and blah blah blah. All is happy. I say POOEY!

She should have either NEVER married. and gotten somewhere with her life. or married one of the other guys. she should have kept pushing that jerk away until he finally got a clue and never came back. *sigh*

If I had a chance to go back in time and redo things... I think I would try to change my decisions. Worked harder to do running start. Never bothered to date. Heck I would have run into my college friends earlier and would have come fully out of my shell earlier. Heck maybe I would have even gotten my bachelors degree like my sister did. Maybe I would actually work towards getting my dream full filled and go to japan! I might not have had as good a job with money then but I have better experience now. I would have saved up money. Maybe work on my books more instead of RPing. And have GOTTEN some where with my life instead of being in the shit hole I'm in now... *sigh*

Too bad you can't do that... *grumble* maybe I would have run into Jamie sooner... ^_^ ahhh that would have been awesome. bleh bleh bleh. All the time I see these movies with people going back in time and making the same decision they had made before. and every time I think they made the wrong one.

late night contemplation

at the moment I've been curled up on the bed crying, trying to read this book I bought, but having trouble paying attention as thoughts keep bombarding my thoughts. The way mike has made me feel, blowing up at me for every tiny thing. Starting arguments over the most ridiculous thing and making me feel like an idiot... or dumb... or... just... worthless.

then I think on our... "love life" when was the last time we had a proper date? one that didn't involve his friends tagging along, and him spending on his money on them... while I just tag along feeling even more alone. our sex life consists of him getting really aroused and trying to fuck me without doing anything for me... no kissing, or petting or... anything. he says it's cause it hurts, in his arousal so... it's not uncommon for him to shove himself in when I'm not even ready and... I just feel used. just something for him to slake his lust on... because he doesn't even try anymore.

the only other thing that happens is I have to play with myself, so I'm actually ready, then play with him and then he'll 'mount' me... that's about the only way I really get much pleasure. I do all the prep work and he fucks me for a few minutes and is done... it hurts really thinking about how sad things have become... and it's not even a year.

he jumps on me yelling or putting me down so quickly... I have any complaint and he's there to tell me to shut up... I can't even voice my opinions without them somehow 'running roughshod' over his. he wont even listen to me and then yells at me that I'm not listening to him.

God I wish I'd never moved down here, wish I'd never started dating Mike again. I wish I had stayed home where I would have gotten somewhere with my life. at least my own apartment without anyone else there. all that money I had saved up would have gone into savings instead of into mikes hands where he throws it around willy nilly and then yells at me saying I've get a spending problem. and... I do a little... the funny thing is I always look to him first to see if it's okay and he says yes and then yells at me afterwords... he's so two faced.

I wish I'd never gotten married... and if some how I get free of this relationship I hope to god I never get married again. or date again. I'm so done with men. I feel more ALONE in a relationship then I did when I was single, I had friends... I had family... here Mike just abandons me for more fun things while I curl up in a ball and cry... I have no one here.

I need a job... or money in savings... I need to just get out of here. that's what I need to do. I need to take a plane ride home... sleep on the streets if I have to while I look for a job. I could borrow my parents shower to clean myself up, and wash my clothes... God does it sound so tempting...

Mike argues with me that he doesn't want me to leave... but I don't see it... I see him being happy he's finally rid of me... the only thing that would hurt is he wouldn't be making as much money so he couldn't live the lifestyle he is living now. I WANT to lessen our lifestyle but he wont let me. we HAVE to have this we HAVE to help Dennis with his phone. we HAVE to have internet, we HAVE to have cable... I have to have this game I have to get this. you can only spend this much and I HAVEN"T spent anything... he always says that yet I just saw him go through 40 or 50 bucks the past week buying fast food and snacks alone. but he yells at me... it's all my fault. or it's Florida's fault... he never wants to take the blame for anything and will blame ANYTHING else he can think of... *sigh*

I just want to go home... I know it's mean to say but right now... but I don't want this baby. it's like the baby is trapping me into this marriage even further... I'm being shackled to a verbally abusive relationship... and I hate myself for going back to it when I knew this would happen all over again...

I'm so stupid... I guess... I got the life I deserved... sleeping on the floor in some overcrowded dirty douplex in the closet of my father in law. cockroach infested, with A holes who try to run all over me, trying to run me, my life and the house like the own everything while they try to blow pot and cig smoke into my face. They ARE ass holes but i still try to be nice... so it's more than a little painful when I hear them saying hurtful things about me behind my back. Complaining over stupid things that don't mean anything.

Much like Mike does to me in my face... sadly enough. I have yet to find ANY reason that I should have moved down here. Everyone's like "Well you met your husband" and I'm thinking... yah... not really that good of a reason... it would hurt mike to read this... but... I don't see our relationship as being something worth all this pain and trouble for.

let me list off why. I feel more alone now than ever
I'm being put down and shutten up more times than I care to count
I've been talked down to like I'm an idiot
my hard fought self image is shot to hell
I'm 'used' for sex than I am a participant.
there is no partnership in this relationship... I'm supposed to follow and say 'yes sir'
what ever happened to trying to make each other feel good and loved...?
I've tried to drag him out of the house onto dates and he just takes my DS along and ignores me while he plays games.
He's become addicted to WOW again and wont give me the time of day anymore.
He yells at me for not getting a job yet every night he keeps me up later and later and then yells at me for not waking up early enough to put in job applications.


*sigh* If I had stayed home, I would have still had my OWN room. I would have been staying with my family who loved me and made me feel welcomed even if I wasn't always part of the group because of work or something along those lines.
I would have a LOT of money saved up, I would have moved into my own place... maybe even the townhouses that Mike and Zack moved into... those are nice looking and decent priced.
I'd still have a job. I'd still have my friends, I'd still be able to visit them and go to their parties, I could have gone back to college and worked on my bachelors and gotten myself a better paying job.

I would be living in a hovel having gone from bad to worse each time we went to a different living place. I wouldn't have had to deal with mean abusive and bullying room mates who made me want to hide in my room and curl up crying. I wouldn't have gone to work at river view where I was physically assaulted and then bullied and harassed my whole time there until I was finally fired for stupid reasons.

I wouldn't be sitting here jobless, pregnant, unemployed and being made to feel like crap every day... I can never truly thank god for a good day. the only good days I had was when I was home. I wouldn't be sitting here struggling to sleep wishing I could just die. what kind of life could I offer my child anyways... I've got nothing... just sadness... tears... no angel is going to show up trying to convince me other wise... why? because I'm not worth it...

I NEVER WAS!

why do you think my whole life has been tear filled... you'd think that someday something would happen to make up for it all.. you know? That you go through all this hardship and there would be a long time of happiness and bliss. but it's not there... not for me. I loose my brother at a young age, my mother goes crazy and starts to beat on me... once physically and every other time emotionally she would put me down... I was always alone...

I wanted to think that at least god cared, that at least he was there... I held onto that belief... I tried to pray to him the first chance I got, every night, every time things got tuff. When I had no friends, when others bullied me and I just kept shut. I didn't fight back. my mother would make me feel worse than them... As a child and in junior high I truly felt that my mother hated me... that she wished she had never had me. In a way I still think she does... that they both do. My mother and father. I'm the embarrassment, the one that never went far. I'm fat, and ugly and stupid... all I'm good at is art. what good does that do me? No one cares... I'm not even all that good at it anyways.

my little sister is smart, she's got her bachelors degree and working on her graduates... I just have my associates. I was never smart enough or good enough to get a scholarship. When things got tuff, I let things just happen. I let things just go bad and loose out on everything. When things got tuff for Danielle, her condition, her shunt... the head aches. she still tufed it out...

she shouldn't be the one with her condition... I should. I'm the useless one. I'm the one that should have never been born... I'm the one who should have the condition... why? so I could just accept my fate and let it kill me. Disappear and die painfully the way I deserve to die. Because I'm such a failure... to everyone.

To God, to my Parents, to my Sister, to my Family, to my Husband... and to my child on the way. I know I'll fail her too... I'll probably put her down the same way my mother did me. make her feel that I hate her... with me... who knows... maybe I will hate her. I don't know... this is me we're talking about...

Why do you think God doesn't care about me... no amount of book reading or anything anyone tells me makes me believe it... I cry when some one says it because I want it to be true. if he'd cared he would have put me out of my misery by now. if he ever carried me he's probably dumped me in the sand and washed his hands of me a long time ago...

I'm not going to the Budd office tomorrow... I can't... not the way I am now... with so little sleep....

I might as well try... not like anyone is going to try and stop me... I think the only thing I have available to me is the wire and a knife... I guess I could wrap it around my throat and then just keep tightening it up until I start to suffocate that way when I go unconscious from lack of air it wont unravel... mike wouldn't even notice that I was dead... he'd just get over me and go to work in the morning...


... ugh I don't like the concept of my dead body just sitting here... CK would probably start trying to eat me... I suppose I would eventually start to stink and Mike would shake me trying to wake me up... and eventually would notice the wire wrapped around my throat. Maybe he'd notice sooner... my face would probably be a bit blue from lack of oxygen. dang it... why can't I ever go through with killing myself... I keep thinking about what someone would be left behind with...

why can't I just NOT think about others for once and just end it... end my own misery... weather I go to hell or heaven... I don't know... I wonder anymore if it wouldn't be easier anyways. maybe then I could finally have some peace... I wonder if god and angels are just sitting around waiting for me to finally get on with it and kill myself... heh... ultimate way of knowing that EVERYONE... hates you...

just speaks to who I am as a person... I'm pathetic. too cowardly to kill myself... to much of a wimp to ever stand up for myself... just letting myself just dragged around by one person or the other... *sigh* ...

good night...

talk about god, I end in tears

I can't really tell you why but I always end up in tears when I talk about god to others... I suppose in a way I'm a little jealous of others who have BIG personal experiences with god, where they see an angel or... something... I mean.. me? Nothing. Makes me think sometimes that compared to others... well you know. I'm not as important. It's hard on me when people tell me that God has good things in store for me...

It's hard to believe, I came here because I felt god had told me to... tell the truth I did think that I was going to end up pregnant when I came here. Have a child that would mean much more to god and his ministry then I ever will be...

Is it sad that sometimes I feel like god just sent me down here to abandon? that he had nothing of use for me and wanted to get rid of me. That's why I've been struggling day by day for everything. For a job, for a home... dealing with being bullied left and right from one person after the other. My health has been getting steadily worse as I get older. I used to never be sick for all that long when I was a child and now I can never get this cough out of my lungs. it takes months before I can stop coughing.

my diet and my health is horrible for my child... and then all this cig smoke that I've had to suffer through almost since the day I moved down to Florida... I'm afraid for my lungs AND my baby.

Lately we've been trying to get a place to live in. We've really wanted to move into a rent to own trailer for the longest time. and finally a man named Junior is selling this three bedroom, two bath, double wide trailer opened up. for 675$ a month. We jumped at the chance, especially after we checked the place out. but it looks like it's not going to happen, which is pretty saddening.

But the guy who is moving into the trailer we really wanted, is moving out of a place that is nearer where we live now, it's a single wide two bedroom one bath trailer for 229.49$ a month. MUCH more easily affordable even IF I loose my unemployment. *Cross fingers* if we get food stamps and medicaid then it would be even easier to afford this place. And then we can always move out.

But... I just... I've gotten so used to being hurt and nothing going right. I want to believe that God is looking out for us. That we can get insurance and new tags on the car for not too much. that we can find and get applied for the programs that would help us make it through everything that's been causing us to struggle so badly. Like the medical bills I owe.

it's always been one emergency after the other. Me trying to kill myself, going to my grandparents 50th anniversary and visiting with my family. Which cost us over 650$ dollars, not including gas and food.

Too bad it looks like mike is almost immediately going to say no because he wants a place closer to his friends. *sigh* ... I just... can't win...

Does god even love me anymore?

things looking up?

It could be good or bad that things look like they are starting to look up. My hopes are certainly up though, the thought of being able to move out for one, hoping that we get Medicaid and food stamps is another big hope. because without it I don't have any idea how I'm going to be able to have the baby... Big medical bills... and... a baby on the way... she/he is already almost 3 months along now... okay now I'm getting teary eyed worrying about the baby and how we'll be okay if things don't go through...

I'm trying to look towards the good.. hoping that we get medicaid that we get the food stamps... and I'm hoping and praying that we'll be able to get the trailer. Both of us are more than ready to get out, away from the room mates who are always smoking cigs and pot and I don't want that anywhere near my baby. the cig smoke is dangerous for her health and the pot smoke... they don't know yet so I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Just the thought of not getting the trailer or anywhere else to move too. Being stuck here with the baby getting hurt more and more by the Douche bags that live here. Being stuck by myself in this tiny room while I give birth and having the baby die because there's nothing I can do... heck I might bleed to death too... not a good thought... I'm more worried about the baby dieing though...

alright... one the bright side. Things DO look up. I've been told it's almost an instant YES to at least medicaid if you are pregnant. I think about the same thing for food stamps. and with both of those if we move into the trailer it'll be even easier for us to pay rent. With 200 to 300$ saved thanks to food stamps then we can put that aside into savings for moving back home. or for emergencies. the place would be 675$ after utilities we could pay half to the park owners and the other half to the owner of the trailer some time within the month. Making it MUCH easier for us to afford the place. And everyone tells us the park owner is willing to work with people to pay off the down payment over time instead of all right away. Another great thing.

Also if we decide to fill one of the bedrooms with a room mate. Hopefully some one who's pretty quiet and keeps to themselves for the most part. But pays like... 200 or 300$ a month. well we would EASILY be able to afford rent with a room mate and food stamps. yah?

I still think it would pretty cool if we could move out around the same time as Alicia. Hm? then I guess Tina and Kenny would have to shove most of their stuff into their room, I suppose the rest would go in here. doesn't matter to me though since I wouldn't be living here anymore. YAY! I'd been dreaming a little last night about what it would be like to own the place. Fixing up some of the stuff we wanted to fix up. Like putting up the roof over the deck and then putting up screening all around with two screen doors. Mike and I both think it'd be awesome if we could let CK out there sometimes. She'd be outside but at the same time... not. ^^ coolies

if we really wanted we could lock the screen doors and leave our door open so lots of cool air comes in from outside... like during the winter times or later at night. when we don't want the AC to be working too hard. yah? Or when friends come over they can stand out there on the deck, we could game there and stuff. it'd be pretty cool.

So here's praying, crossing my fingers and hoping that things go through. We've done all that we can so far. Now we just have to wait and see what happens. Trust in god to make things work out.

Saddened

Yesterday night for some bizarre reason Kenny called me last night. no way in HECK was I going to answer that phone call. That tinny reminder of them was not a happy one in my time here were I was trying to be happy... Well I mean things haven't been sunshine and sprinkles either.

I mean I had hopped to spend time with at least a few friends on one on. Laurie had texted me about eating dinner Thursday night but when Thursday came around I never got a call or a text or anything.... I didn't know when to eat or where to go. Also that night I'd tried to spend time with Zack. See his knew place and that kind of thing. But he brushed me off for errands and had said he would try to contact me after 8. At 9 I sent him a text asking if he was home and done with errands. I never got a message back.

I contacted DANI and she said she couldn't go to the party this Saturday when I tried to ask her any day we could hang out outside of Saturday she never responded. Steve sent me a text asking when to hang out, I gave her times that I was free but again I never heard from her. *sigh* I saw Mike Kenning Thursday night at the Movie night over here and I haven't really heard from him since. *sigh*

Yesterday mike was yelling at me to shut up and that I was annoying him when he asked me a question and I tried to answer it. So I started crying after the convo about how I hate it when he does that. Um... then last night while playing Twilight Imperium.... Eh... Tara was being more than a little mean and I didn't take it well. I said I was done got up and walked out the door.

For a while I considered disappearing and never coming back. That way I wouldn't have to go to Florida and I could stay and die in a place I loved. I also thought how Immature and stupid I was and how no one was going after me. Just keep playing the game. That wasn't the case but... *shrug* Mike had explained to Tara how I felt as if she was picking on me. Jeff and Danielle suggested it was Preggy Hormones. Either way Danielle and Mike went looking for me. So that made me happy. I gave Tara a hug before we left.

Now that I'm awake and here... well I fear that no one will be here at 7 tonight. I mean it's Heathers Party technically and like everyone goes to those if they can make it. At least they did before I left... I don't know how things are now. I've got the same fears that my mother often has when she puts on parties. And I'm not even planning anything. I just have this HUGE fear that no one is going to come because no one cares... Alright I should stop for now... Get my drink and take a nice long relaxing bath. You know the thing I don't get to do very often.

Home at last!

Okay so it's Thursday and I've actually been in Washington since Tuesday. But I hadn't gotten a real chance to get onto a computer until just now. Yay for PC's! also yay for Heather kindly letting mike and I use the guest room... THAT HAS IT"S OWN BATHROOM! oooo that is such a treat. he he. ^_^

Anyways so... we've been pretty busy for the most part which makes both mike and I pretty worn out and tired. ~.~ we went to bed WAY to early yesterday... and of course woke up very early today because of it. But that's fine. The night before last we spent the night at my grandparents place, my grandpa let us sleep in his bed. It's a little wibbly wobbly.... so I can understand why he'd rather sleep in the craft room instead of his own room. Meh.

... Ahhh I just remember... when I looked out the window of the airplane and I saw the familiar tree's and lush green landscape my heart soared, my spirits lifted and I felt deeply happy inside... Though I want to cry at the thought of going back to Florida. Here everything is so nice, lush, green, cool, tons of friends and family who care and love me. Back in Florida it's dusty, hot, dirty and grimy and I have little to no friends while living in a dump with Druggies as room mates. I still wish that Mikes dad would just kick the lazy bums out.

I'm not saying that I don't want to move out of there... because I do. But if they were gone it would certainly make living there much more bearable... and the house would actually stay clean once and a while. With Alicia leaving in May, if those two left as well then Mike and I could take her room, there would be less electricity being used in the house, smaller electric bill... and it would be easier for all of us all around. Mike could borrow his dad's car to get to work while we fixed his car and got it sold. I would finally get a job and I could happily come home...

To tell the truth when I did have a job I didn't really want to go home. I didn't want to face the people and the mess inside. Also if those druggies left I'd get dog liners... er... forget what they're called but you put them on the floor in a certain place and the dog learns to only poo or pee there. You praise them when they do and punish them when they don't. It prevents the place from stinking up too much. Plus Stormy would be gone so he wouldn't be pissing on everything all the time. CK would still have to stay just in our room since she doesn't understand that Baby girl isn't actually trying to kill her.

I'm sure people aren't enjoying the loud sound of all my typing so I'm just going to go for now... Bye bye!

IT"S SO GOOD TO BE HOME!

Webcomics?

I suppose I can't blame Mike, after reading a long and very successful webcomic he's got this idea in his mind that we'll make a webcomic and take off just like that Artist. That's not always true. Yes you do need advertising that's one big thing about getting your comic well known...

eh... I guess I can give mike some credit that if it's not JUST me doing EVERYTHING... the HTML, the story lines, the drawing, the advertising... Trust me a webcomic is not as easy as it sounds by yourself. Specially if you're going to try and get it done on time...

So what he wants to do is restart Graveyard shift. I'm a bit open to the idea... one I'd need to change the name a little... to something like "Graveyard shift: ZOMBIES" or something like that. It'd be a comedy involving the supernatural... yes that includes zombies. they are prominent in the story. I need to work on my zombie drawing... but I suppose after time and practice it'll get better.

BTW I'm a huge Zombie movie fan. So when Zombie land came out I was Uber ness happy. ^_^ he he. It took zombies in much the same theme I like to take them, comedy.

So I guess... get back to work to rewriting the story... cause I did rush the story a bit and I didn't like that at all. And this time I'll have more help with it... Ness was supposed to help but it's hard when you're on the other side of the country. Okay that's it for now... back to reading QC.

Suprising change of events

Maybe I'm just looking too far ahead but... well let me start. Today while I was looking at Emails I noticed that someone had left me an email from Monster Jobs about a job. I was asked if I had a Class D security License and that if I did to give them a call. I was like ... WOW! several months, and a bazillion job apps and suddenly I get an email about a job! Well of course I call, the person wasn't available at that exact moment but the other person let me leave them a message.

I go take a shower with my cell phone sitting near the tub... I checked the phone a few times excited to get a call... I was about ready to give them a call again if I wasn't called in another half hour. Well after the shower on the way to the room I was given a call. American Security I think it's called? Anyways I was asked a few things over the phone, you know an over the phone interview.

One thing I've learned about security, if they show interest in you as in ask you for an interview VERY good chance they are planning on hiring you unless there is something terribly and horribly wrong. Like you are obviously a klypto... the fact that I already have a security license is a BIG plus on them wanting to hire me. It doesn't hurt that I've had years of security experience.

I'm just hoping and hopping up and down in excitement that I'll have a job as soon as I get home from Washington. How Surreal would that be!? Because then after I get my first check mike and I would most deffenitly be able to look into moving out. He did say that as soon as I got a job we could move out. Hello job! Hello apartment of my own! ^_^ Then... then we can maybe look into a decent one bedroom place specially if I'm making a good deal of money. We'll keep working on saving up money as much as possible.

On a different note, Alicia watching CK obviously out, but that's okay it looks like we should hopefully be able to get Sam to watch her, bribing Rob to let her stay there and paying D to pop his head in once and a while to make sure that CK is okay... Cause if we come home and she's dead I'm going to cry and then I'm going to kill Sam... that or report him to animal cruelty... hell I could have him arrested. Better! But with D checking in on her I feel much better about it.

We'd just stick CK in with Cookie but we don't think either would like each other. Cookie doesn't like other cats and CK doesn't seem too partial to them either. Honestly she's a bully to the male cats here. LOL I don't mind. She keeps them out of our room which I like. Right now she's curled up with me on the bed while I type this... so obviously I have to stop on occasion to give her some pettys. ^_^ he he

not too bad

Well I'm glad I haven't felt the need to hop on here and just start ranting and raving about how annoying the people in this house are. One big nice break is that because of Alicia's thoughtless and cruel comment she pushed Mike beyond his limits and he decreed to both me, his dad, and Alicia that we were both done giving her rides and helping her out. She'd been steadily working her way there... *shrug* I don't know what to say, you don't treat the people that help you out like crap. Nor do you bad talk them behind their backs to people who over exaggerate EVERYTHING like Kenny and Tina.

With not having to take Alicia to work or anywhere else anymore. It's nice that we can just enjoy the day to ourselves instead of wasting hours of our time giving her rides places since K and T like to bail every time they are needed. Also since I don't go out there are much (to give Alicia rides) I don't even run into the A holes all that often anymore. Not so fun being cooped up in a little room but it's better than the stress they cause. *nod nod*

Also I bought this thing called the Sea band. It helps with nausea caused by sea sickness and pregnancy's morning sickness. It's an elastic band with a plastic bead that presses down on an acupressure point on your wrist that fights nausea. The second I put it on I felt instantly better.

Well also knowing that I'll be flying home in a few days is a HUGE step towards an uber happy Michi. I've been happy snuggling up with Mike, since he's been sicky he sleeps more. And heck even in his sleep he tries to get me to snuggle up with him. It's nice on my belly and I just like the human companionship. CK is a wonderful companion too. We're hoping that we can convince his dad to feed her while we're gone. That's really all we need. I mean it'd be nice if he'd clean up her kitty litter box but that's okay. I've been waiting on mike to clean it like he said he would... >.> meh.

Mike is really trying to get me back into drawing my web comic. I think he's got stars in his eyes, I can't blame him I used to think that way when I used to read web comics a lot. Used to think I'd get real popular and stuff. Nah not really. Heh. I guess I can stay positive though right? Think, get lots of advertisement, stay positive, stick with it. I just need to get myself back into drawing the comic. I'm having a little trouble with the first page though... once I get that done I think I'd just start rolling with it. Not sure if I should write down a kinda story for it or not. I had a small group of fans for Graveyard Shift but the problem with it was that there were TOO many web comics with that name. So unless you have your own web server (Not using the free web comic ones) you might be a little ahead of the pack. I'm not going to like having to do HTML all over again though. Bleh bleh.

saddening

It's truly sad when you meet people who can't see past their own needs and wants. When there are nice people out there who help them and are nice to them they can't find it in themselves to return the favor. Instead they are only ever kind when they need something... Well sometimes even then they wont be exactly kind. Take Alicia for instance.

This morning on the way to taking her to work I had mentioned to her that the baby was okay and that I'd been off by a week. 7 weeks not 6. She told me something that gave me the impression that Mikes dad and everyone else in the house felt the same way as her as she told me there was no space in the house for Mike and I AND a baby and that we should get the fuck out. Not in those words exactly but... basically that's what she said. That was pretty painful... didn't say much for most of the ride to work... and all I could think was... wow... and ow... the people in the house hated me so much that even when it came to having a new baby family member they didn't care. In fact they wanted nothing to do with it.

Alicia certainly didn't give a damn. She'd already been lying about me behind my back to Kenny and Tina and kept making her lies bigger and bigger. Trying to cause problems. Well today when Mike and I were talking with his dad, he asked me she had passed on his message to me. HIS message had been that cats were a leading cause of problems for newborns. and here I had a gut wrenching feeling that he was telling mike that he wanted us out of there since a baby was on the way. When mike came back over to me (Yah he left the room to talk to his dad. I was in my PJ's at the time) I told him what Alicia had told me... I told him it wasn't THOSE words exactly, to get the fuck out. But that was basically the meaning behind it.(What I felt she was saying was: You and your baby are nothing but a hassle so go the fuck away. )

Mike was so angry at what Alicia had said he went and talked to his dad about what she'd said to me. He told his dad that we were done giving her rides or being if she couldn't be decent towards us saying these lies behind our backs and then saying things like this to our faces. He said she was no longer his sister. I felt pretty bad that I was part of the reason for this but.. to be honest she has been a pretty big bitch lately.

bleh... well at least the good news now. The secret is out. I made an announcement on Facebook so now just about everyone knows. If they care that is. Meh. and in a week I will be flying up to Washington, a nice B day present to myself to see my family again. ^_^ happy

scared and crying

I've looked all over the net and it's a mixed answer. before I went and took a bath I noticed as I was going to the bathroom that I was spotting brown blood. freaked me out a bit but then I started getting cramps... and it's getting worse and worse and worse. Now I'm crying afraid that I'm loosing the baby, like a part of me just knows that it's going to be lost and there is nothing I can do. I curled up in bed with mike sleeping in his cold medicine drugged state, he noticed me crying in his sleep and had me curl up with him while I cried... then I went looking on the net for some help.

Everyone says to go to the doctor... but the thing is... I can't! No health insurance, hell we need to take out a 150$ pay day advance just to pay our bills! (Because my Unemployment is paying me a week late.) I can't tell just now but I think I'm bleeding into my panties now... the pain is just getting so bad and so painful... owe.... maybe I should just run back out to the toilet...

curled up

I probably already mentioned this but Mike is horribly sick... and... ugh I don't... game didn't go the way I hoped... but then with the gaming group I'm with I shouldn't be all that surprised... First I thought we'd already had the game system set up. but then when I show up with a finished character sheet I find out that Rob and Sam don't want to play Besm... lo and behold... *sigh*

So then there is the LONG and rediculusly stupid argument over what system to go with. NO body wanted to agree with any system. It was obvious that Vampire old world, was the only system anyone was willing to play together but NOOOOO they had to play the game system that THEEEY wanted... ugh.... fucking baby's

then Dennis didn't want to play so now NO BODY is interested in playing... Finally they all decide they want to change the genre to make Dennis interested in the game. All the while D is in his room while they are talking about changing it. I say to them "Shouldn't we ask D if he's even interested in this? Maybe get his idea on things?" no body bothers to get up and tell him. So fine I'll do... and I get snapped at by D about how he JUST DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY, and we shouldn't change the genre just to make him interested.

So I back out and tell everyone that. finally Jimmy goes in there to talk to D, and D comes out to yell at everyone to stop being whiny baby's and just play the game and stop trying to change shit just so he can play. To grow up and to stop threatening to stop playing because he's not interested in playing. Then after I finish my character sheet AGAIN, I wait several MORE hours while everyone is dragging their feet about making character sheets. It was a fight to keep anyone interested in the game for very long.

Even with Jimmy Sting trying to keep Rob off the computer and off the video games... *deep sigh* ... then mike instead of going home from work decides to drive to robs apartment and sleep in the car so that I can go out and get something to drink so no one was willing to take me. The whole reason John was going to pick me up was to go to walmart to get food for the gerbils. It's been a freaking long ass day...

I just wish I had my own home so I wouldn't have to deal with the shit of sneaking past EVERYONE to get to my fucking room. everybody is asleep... no chance of taking a bath since the tub can't even drain out properly... so fun. ~_~ *Cry*

16 hundreds and swashbuckling

I probably never mentioned this but thanks to a VERY wonderful history teacher in college I found myself falling in love with history. I've always been interested in medieval times and regency times in England and around the world. More recent history isn't as interesting to me as history before the 1900's. Anything after that is just... well a little boring to me. It's too recent.

So just think how much a gamer girl like me (Did I forget to mention that?) rolls around in bliss when I'm getting ready to play a table top game that takes place in the late 16 hundreds early 17 hundreds. I'm like a kitten rolling in a large batch of cat nip! ^_^ he he. last night to get away from the house for a while I went over to the TA were a friend of mine, John works. He works at he truck station, where trucks take a ticket and park. They have so many hours they can park but if they don't buy enough gas or items at the TA they need to pay 25$ on the way out. Normally not really an issue. So for the most part he does just about nothing and sits around watching TV. For a while there he had an xbox 360 set up and he was playing games at work.

Since his Aunt is his boss it's not really like he's worried about loosing it. heh. Anyways, out of all the guys in the gamer group I get along with john the best. D, known as Dennis, is mikes BFF from highschool... possibly sooner? so they think of each other as bro's. So me sitting there is kinda like I'm an impostor so sometimes I like to just kinda leave them to their ... what ever.

This weekend we have a friend of John's coming over from Spring hill, he's planning on ST'ing (That's Story Teller to those that don't know) the table top game. We're playing BESM 3rd ed (Known as Big eyes small mouth. It's an anime type of gaming system) since it's pretty easy to use it for just about ANY type of game and we're all a little bit more familiar with it. Last night around 11:40 ish which is just minutes before John got off work, I showed up.

Since he didn't have any big plans that he HAD to do we stepped off over to this picnic table that was sort of off to he side after his work. We talked for a bit but then he had to clock out. So while he did that I went pee, parked the car in the normal parking lot and met back up with him there. Jimmy called him and then both him and Jimmy got the idea to put him on speaker phone and so we started to talk more about the game. Where it was taking place, talking about history... you know what not.

Hell it was fun! I think we talked that way for about 45 minutes? had to stop before John's phone died... speaker phone takes a lotta power out of cell phones.

My character is this French aristocrat, the daughter of a Duke. She was stolen from her home by gypsy's when just a babe and when she got older, 10 or so, she was found by her father and taken back in. Normally this doesn't happen with rich aristocrat family but considering she was his only child and something had happened *Cough firing accident* that prevented him from ever fathering children again. From her experience as a gypsy she learned sword fighting, tumbling, and gypsy magic.

Secretly angry at her father for taking her away from her free gypsy lifestyle she continued to learn sword play and practice gypsy magic under her fathers nose. As the servants liked her they tended to keep this information from the Duke. Finally at the age of 16 she was married into a marriage of political interest for her father. Her husband not really caring about having a child for a wife and having only married for the convenience of it. Was more than happy to give his wife a stipend (Basically an allowance) and let her travel where ever while he enjoyed what he really wanted... which was to enjoy his mistress's.

Okay for those that don't know. It was all the rage (popular) for men to have a mistress and show her off and all, but it was considered outlandish and outright rude, to show off your mistress to your wife. especially in a political marriage it insulted your wife's family as well, which was a big no no. Since duels were more so permitted back then you might find yourself challenged to a duel and killed. They were highly frowned upon in the late 18 hundreds but some aristocrats still did it.

... anyways bleh. >.> ... so yah. Mike is too sick to go to game tonight. he doesn't want to get everyone sick like I did a few weeks back. (Still feel bad about that) so instead he's just going to work and after work he is going home. John is gonna stop by sometime and pick me up for game. take me to the store so we can get some pet food for the girls (Gerbils; Saffron and Celest.) They're all out and right now I'm just letting them nibble on the log. I didn't notice it but they'd been knocking their food bowl against he glass letting us know they were hungry and out of food. 0.0 gerbils are smart? who knew!?

I'm just glad that CK, our 7 month old kitten, isn't interested in going after them. She just watches them sometimes like a cat does looking at a bird outside the window. it makes them dream and they are happy. CK is a sweet kitty. ^-^ *purr purr*

Okay I should get ready to go now. *wave*

Can't say much

Yah I can't really say much. I should have expected it, that the minute they came home they'd start doing what ever they could to be dicks... Here I'll explain a little. The Breeze, which is my father in laws car (both my husband and myself are on the insurance) was left here at the house while K and T were out for a few days. Alicia was taking forever in the bathroom taking a shower and I really needed to go pee. Mike was at work with the car, and since mikes dad was asleep I took the car down to Martin Luther King Jr. drive where the Walmart is. Not even a quarter of a mile away.

I figured borrow the car and while I'm there buy some triscuts. Since I'm preggers and salty crackers are good for your tummy. I pored out the pickle jar and counted enough change to buy it. By the time I got the change counted out, Alicia was out of the bath. So I went to the bathroom and borrowed the breeze to go to the store, got my triscuts and then came back. Alicia had noticed and txted Mike asking where I was going, so I told him. Walmart. no big deal right?

Well when K and T come home it has to be a HUGE issue... here let me quote their txt to me. "Just to let u know when u take the liberty upon urself to use other people gas in cars that don't belong to u maybe u should be courteous and replace the gas. As it is either u or anthony owe me 10$ for the gas that was used. I don't care who or when but I need that money asap"

... seriously? NOT THERE FUCKING CAR! And like driving less than a quarter of a mile is THAT BIG OF A PROBLEM...

Now remember when Alicia came to me early today complaining about how K and T had promised to take her to work and they never showed up? So I, being the nice sister in law that I am took her to work. Well now she is claiming to K and T that I drove all over the place when I borrowed the car to Walmart. I wasn't there at this time but... seriously? Mike told her what I had told him, and she says in a whiny voice "how would you know, you were at work" mike's response was "Because Michelle doesn't lie about were she's going"

That's it... seriously. I'm done being nice to those prics. I'm done giving Alicia a ride to anywhere. She can fucking figure it out herself. Maybe the brother she LOVES SO MUCH that treats her like shit, can take her everywhere. I'm going to have to talk it over with Mike and his dad but I'm going to tell her as much. If she can't stop talking shit about me behind my back, I'm not taking her anywhere anymore.

I'm done hoping that those prics will finally start acting decent BACK towards me because I'm treating them decently. But... that's it. I'm done.

Oh and the funny thing is. The only person that drove the car around IS THE FUCKING OWNER OF THE CAR! you freaking douche bags. the only person that it matters that I drove the car at all is the owner of the car. And my father in law doesn't give a rats ass.

*sigh* So... now I'm just pissed and upset... want to get away but... hell where the fuck do I go hmm? Ugh. I'm a little jealous of people I know that have so many friends that reply to their posts... When they are sad or upset or something... and they get posts... I don't get anything... ~_~ Lonely little unwanted girl.