I'm torn... I want to post a link of my blog on my facebook page, I want to repost my post on facebook about crying and the hurtful and painful words from Mike. about how they seem to poison my mind, always at the back of my head telling me how horrible and pathetic I am. He's told me, while I was crying, that I always cry. I was crying because he had been yelling at me, putting me down while he tried to prove a point and be right. It hadn't started as an argument, but he turned it into one...
That's how things have been a lot lately. I wake up and I find myself being yelled at and being put down, I say something to him and he takes it the wrong way and blows up at me. I've come into the bedroom to take care of Scott and he tells me how I'm a horrible mother because I get myself ready to take care of him, which often takes hours, before I take of him which means he cries while I get ready. He yelled at me when my parents were here because I took advice from my mom about raising our son.
He yells at me and makes me feel bad for asking for him to watch Scott so I can take a break. He'll point out that while I spend all day taking care of Scott he helps out by bringing me things. Of course while I'm taking care of Scott he's off watching movies, playing video games, playing WOW and hanging out with his friends online. While I'm abandoned in the back room taking care of Scott. He was at least taking care of Scott while I slept but he doesn't really do that any more either. Every time Scott cried last night he brought Scott up to me and asked me to feed him.
Every time he has an excuse for why he is being so hurtful... there is hardly a kind word between us. He's always on the computer on WOW chatting with his friends with the head phones on, ignoring me. I have to yell or repeat myself constantly to finally get through to him through his head phones. Just tonight I tried to take a bath and I got jolted out of my bath as he bangs angrily on the wall asking me to take care of scott again. I hadn't even washed yet but he urged me to hurry...
The things forfront in his mind is his game, his son and his friends... and then me by proxy because I'm taking care of Scott. God why did I put myself in this situation? Why did I take him back after all the pain and suffering and heartache he had caused when we were just dating. He always had an excuse for what he was doing then too. He's also a very good and convincing lier. you've seen it first hand. How hard is it for him to come up with some lie about why he mistreats you. Just like he had an excuse for why he ignored and hurt you then.
Why did you stupidly marry him? He didn't even propose to you, it was something you just discussed. he doesn't defend you against his family, half the time he doesn't even listen to you especially if it's against what he wants or stubbornly wants to hold on to. Every day he has some kind of put down for you, every day it's one argument or the other over something so small but he doesn't want to let it go, his voice raises and you always end up in tears... and he makes you feel even lower for crying when he hurts you.
He yells at me for asking him for help when I'm taking care of Scott, he yells at me when I don't ask for help. He yells at me when I'm trying to sleep, putting me down once more because I have trouble sleeping when he's making loud ratteling noises and waking me up to feed the baby. Even though I'm sick as well all he focuses on is how sick he is, how he is sicker than me... He's got to be better, bigger, has to make himself feel better by putting me down.
I knew he was verbally abusive... so why did i take him back? Is it because I grew up with it, is it because I'm so used to my mother being verbally abusive that I'll go back to a verbally abusive boyfriend and then end up stupidly marrying him. Now that we have a child it's all the more harder to leave. Also lack of funds makes it pretty hard to get away as well. I may have a car but not enough gas to drive back home. I've been thinking of going to a homeless shelter... but I think they would take Scott away from me because I don't have a home. I don't want to leave Scott here though... not in this house.
The only other escape I can think of... is one that I would hope and pray that god would forgive me for. The sad thing is that even if I ran away the poisonus words would still be there, still hurting me, still putting me down... but at least there wouldn't be any new things for him to hurt me with. When I got pregnant, he yelled at me. Now that Scott is born, he yelled at me some more about me being a horrible mother. He puts me down for wanting a break away with some time to myself.
I want to go over to the bed right now and start hitting him with a pillow and telling him how I hate him for how much he hurts me. How his painful words wont go away, and they keep eating away at me hurting me more and more each day. So much so that I want to kill myself just to get away from him.
They say God doesn't give you something you can't handle... God I can't handle this... I can't keep doing this alone being hurt every day while I sit alone taking care of a baby in the back room ignored by every one except when they want to see the baby...
Can't I go free? I feel like Scott, money, and distance have chained me to the wall and from there I am tortured, whiped and poisoned. Mocked for my pain and tortured more until I'm nothing but a sad pathetic heap crying in the corner. Too afraid to reach out, ashamed to admit I stupidly married a man who hurts me so.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
as the deer
I know what a weird title for this blog post but that is the song running on Pandora right now and for some reason that was all I could think of for the title. Mike's dad has been causing turmoil once more, this morning he just started a fight yelling at mike that the cat was going to attack the baby and a bunch of other bull shit. Saying that the cat needed to be put down and that they are useless. *sigh* it's sad and annoying that he seems to be trying to drive us out. If he didn't want us here he could just say so... but I guess then he would have to face the fact he is being a dick when if he drives us out he can say it was our fault.
Not that I wanted Kenny and Tina to live here, and Alicia had taken their side so she wasn't much of a room mate either. But I can see how Mike's dad drove them out, angered them to the point that they said they were done dealing with his shit and moved out. If we had the money I would be getting us moved out of here right away. But sadly with no income there is no way we could afford a place of our own let alone have a room mate. No one really wants to room with a married couple and their newborn baby. Baby's cry, it's just a baby thing.
*sigh* what's funny is that Mike's dad shows absolutely NO interest in Scott what so ever and yet he's saying all this BS about the cat and the baby. He is just using the baby as another excuse why we should get rid of the cat. And then he yells saying we never asked his permission to bring the cat in. I'm sorry I just assumed when EVERYONE ELSE had a Freaking cat or dog that we could bring in a pet of our own.
And if he wanted to go into what animal would cause the most damage to the baby, then I would tell him that it would be his dog. Not only would the dog try and jump up on Scott thinking to play with the baby and thus scratching, and crushing the baby. But also the dogs piss and shit laying around the house the fumes from that cause baby's asphyxiation. So maybe what he should do is start taking better care of his dog. Who he doesn't even have sleep in the same bed with him half the time anymore.
If you are going to have a pet then you need to take the responsibility for it and take care of it. But from the looks of it he had everyone else raise his kids just like he has everyone else take care of his dog. he's a selfish grumpy mean old man. The thing is he doesn't even realize he's selfish, he seems to think that he is a wonderful guy. I'm sorry bringing in people who need a place to sleep and then letting them use up all your hot water, sit around the house fiddling their thumbs and not even TRYING to get a job while listening to awful music is not being kind. It's just plain dumb. Not to mention treating complete strangers better than your own family is also cruel.
Art gets to stay here rent free, while we still some how have to come up with the money for the cable and internet. If we hadn't paid that bill than we would still have phone service right now! and mike is still planing on giving his dad 200$ when he gets paid his unemployment check. 100$ for this month and 100$ for last month. Neither of which month were we able to pay rent. I think we should just keep it and throw it aside for money we will save up to move out of this awful place. Mike is already depressed enough without his dad yelling at him trying to cause fights.
I think since Kenny and Tina moved out he's turned all his meanness towards us. The both of us try to stay back, trying to not cause problems and yet he has to find and nit pick at every little thing we do. we clean up the house despite the fact neither him nor his couch crasher clean up the place. He yells at us to clean up and doesn't say a word to Art (couch crasher) who does most of the dirtying around the house and just sits around on Mike and I's computer playing around.
He's a lot like my mom in the fact that despite all the bull shit he pulls and the fights he tries to cause, he never apologizes for it because some how in his mind he thinks he is in the right. *sigh* I honestly am considering that when we finally move out that we are not talking to his dad again. Not like his dad really cares anyways, he doesn't seem to really give a shit about mike. He only lets us stay here because 1. we help pay rent. 2. we pay for the cable and internet. 3. we let him use our computer. and 4. because he had no problem letting people stay at his home. He does that for complete strangers and he's kinder to them than to his own family.
if we moved out I doubt we would hear from him, he only called us before because he wanted us to help him play pool. But we just couldn't stand giving up so many of our days just to play pool. so anyways I doubt we will hear from him which is fine, he doesn't really care about his son or his grandson so it doesn't matter. He does care more about his daughters but I couldn't really tell you how much more he cares about them than he does for Mike. He's an ass hole, a terrible father, a terrible room mate. A horrible and irresponsible pet honer let alone man.
*Deep breath and sigh* Okay... I guess I'm feeling a little better about it now. I wanted to make my opinion's known this morning when his dad was doing this shit but it was already angering and depressing him so much that he demanded I drop it. So I did, though begrudgingly. It's not remotely fair that he can bitch about things all he wants and when I want to put my two cents in I need to shut up.
Which reminds me, Mike is still not back... He left around, I think, 2:30 and it's now 7:45, he's been gone almost 5 and a half hours. Makes me a little worried that something happened, a car accident, they got mugged... I don't know. I wish our phones were working so I could call him and see what was up...
If he has died though... and my car is totaled, I am taking what I can pack and I am begging my parents for money for a plane trip home. Because there is no WAY in hell I am living here with that man without Mike here. I'm sure he'd let me stay here while of course being a total dick. but I don't want to put up with his bull shit without Mike around to block most of it...
*sigh* ... God can I please just go home? I don't even mean Washington I just mean can I go to a place that is our own, were we don't have infestations, were we don't have room mates who make living here a nightmare.
Not that I wanted Kenny and Tina to live here, and Alicia had taken their side so she wasn't much of a room mate either. But I can see how Mike's dad drove them out, angered them to the point that they said they were done dealing with his shit and moved out. If we had the money I would be getting us moved out of here right away. But sadly with no income there is no way we could afford a place of our own let alone have a room mate. No one really wants to room with a married couple and their newborn baby. Baby's cry, it's just a baby thing.
*sigh* what's funny is that Mike's dad shows absolutely NO interest in Scott what so ever and yet he's saying all this BS about the cat and the baby. He is just using the baby as another excuse why we should get rid of the cat. And then he yells saying we never asked his permission to bring the cat in. I'm sorry I just assumed when EVERYONE ELSE had a Freaking cat or dog that we could bring in a pet of our own.
And if he wanted to go into what animal would cause the most damage to the baby, then I would tell him that it would be his dog. Not only would the dog try and jump up on Scott thinking to play with the baby and thus scratching, and crushing the baby. But also the dogs piss and shit laying around the house the fumes from that cause baby's asphyxiation. So maybe what he should do is start taking better care of his dog. Who he doesn't even have sleep in the same bed with him half the time anymore.
If you are going to have a pet then you need to take the responsibility for it and take care of it. But from the looks of it he had everyone else raise his kids just like he has everyone else take care of his dog. he's a selfish grumpy mean old man. The thing is he doesn't even realize he's selfish, he seems to think that he is a wonderful guy. I'm sorry bringing in people who need a place to sleep and then letting them use up all your hot water, sit around the house fiddling their thumbs and not even TRYING to get a job while listening to awful music is not being kind. It's just plain dumb. Not to mention treating complete strangers better than your own family is also cruel.
Art gets to stay here rent free, while we still some how have to come up with the money for the cable and internet. If we hadn't paid that bill than we would still have phone service right now! and mike is still planing on giving his dad 200$ when he gets paid his unemployment check. 100$ for this month and 100$ for last month. Neither of which month were we able to pay rent. I think we should just keep it and throw it aside for money we will save up to move out of this awful place. Mike is already depressed enough without his dad yelling at him trying to cause fights.
I think since Kenny and Tina moved out he's turned all his meanness towards us. The both of us try to stay back, trying to not cause problems and yet he has to find and nit pick at every little thing we do. we clean up the house despite the fact neither him nor his couch crasher clean up the place. He yells at us to clean up and doesn't say a word to Art (couch crasher) who does most of the dirtying around the house and just sits around on Mike and I's computer playing around.
He's a lot like my mom in the fact that despite all the bull shit he pulls and the fights he tries to cause, he never apologizes for it because some how in his mind he thinks he is in the right. *sigh* I honestly am considering that when we finally move out that we are not talking to his dad again. Not like his dad really cares anyways, he doesn't seem to really give a shit about mike. He only lets us stay here because 1. we help pay rent. 2. we pay for the cable and internet. 3. we let him use our computer. and 4. because he had no problem letting people stay at his home. He does that for complete strangers and he's kinder to them than to his own family.
if we moved out I doubt we would hear from him, he only called us before because he wanted us to help him play pool. But we just couldn't stand giving up so many of our days just to play pool. so anyways I doubt we will hear from him which is fine, he doesn't really care about his son or his grandson so it doesn't matter. He does care more about his daughters but I couldn't really tell you how much more he cares about them than he does for Mike. He's an ass hole, a terrible father, a terrible room mate. A horrible and irresponsible pet honer let alone man.
*Deep breath and sigh* Okay... I guess I'm feeling a little better about it now. I wanted to make my opinion's known this morning when his dad was doing this shit but it was already angering and depressing him so much that he demanded I drop it. So I did, though begrudgingly. It's not remotely fair that he can bitch about things all he wants and when I want to put my two cents in I need to shut up.
Which reminds me, Mike is still not back... He left around, I think, 2:30 and it's now 7:45, he's been gone almost 5 and a half hours. Makes me a little worried that something happened, a car accident, they got mugged... I don't know. I wish our phones were working so I could call him and see what was up...
If he has died though... and my car is totaled, I am taking what I can pack and I am begging my parents for money for a plane trip home. Because there is no WAY in hell I am living here with that man without Mike here. I'm sure he'd let me stay here while of course being a total dick. but I don't want to put up with his bull shit without Mike around to block most of it...
*sigh* ... God can I please just go home? I don't even mean Washington I just mean can I go to a place that is our own, were we don't have infestations, were we don't have room mates who make living here a nightmare.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
did I make a mistake?
I'm sorry to burden you with this but I'm not sure who else to talk to about it. two years ago when I decided to move down to Florida I honestly thought that God was telling me to move here. Now I'm not so sure if it was my own fool hardy desire to run away from the home I knew because it was becoming boring. I had a desire to run away, to get away from under my parents hold, to run away.
But the minute I moved here... actually within the hour I even left Vancouver things went wrong. Maybe when I hit that block of black ice, hitting the center partition and did a 360 to the point that when we finally stopped I was facing traffic, facing home. Even now I can't call Washington, Washington. I call it home. I don't even do it intentionally I have to watch my words to make sure I don't say it.
I hate myself for saying it but I want to run away. I want to go back in time and tell myself not to move to Florida, not to take Mike back. That he is wrong for me, that I can find someone better, that he doesn't deserve a second chance. And when I say run away I mean entirely run away. From Mike, from Scott, leave everything behind but what clothes and things I can stuff in a suitcase and fly back home.
I always have to watch my words when it comes to Mike, I can't say I dislike something or he'll start yelling at me saying that I'm always negative. In fact just today I had mentioned I didn't like the kind of song Art, our couch crasher, was listening too. Next thing I know he's saying I'm negative and that all I say is that I hate something or don't like something and that every word I say is negative. Then he tried to say that he was only referring to me being negative right that very minute when I pointed out to him that he's called me negative on multiple occasions and that he has been the ONLY one in my entire life to call me negative. He calls me racist too, which is beyond me. I don't judge people because of their skin, I never have. Because strangers make me uncomfortable what ever the skin color, I'm suddenly racist? Again he is the only one to have ever accused me of such a thing.
He never almost never defends me, or takes my side when it comes to anyone. Our room mates are always right, his dad is always right. Hell when his ex friend (who stole his laptop and multiple other things) started sending me sexually abusive texts (talking about the things he wanted to do to me despite my constant asking of him to stop) Mike didn't do anything about it, nothing. that was part of the reason why I broke up with him in the first place. His dad says all this shit about me, about me being lazy or a horrible mother and tries to tell us how to raise our son. Mike doesn't say anything. When Kenny and Tina were making my life miserable, harassing me, at one point physically assaulting me, and smoking in the house when I was pregnant. He didn't do anything.
I think back on all the things that have happened over the years I have lived here in Florida and I see all these signs that I didn't pay attention to. I should have listened, I should have stayed in Washington. Should have kept my job and kept working on putting money into savings. I could have used some of the money I saved up for the trip to Florida, on Sakuracon. An anime convention I've been wanting to go to for years. I should have even used some of it on a plane trip to New orleans for the Dark Hunter Convention, a con for one of my favorite Authers. I should have stayed with my friends, with my family... I should have realized when I grew sick with missing them that I should have gone back. two years later and I'm still home sick.
I'd already had proof during the year that Mike and I were apart that I was appealing to guys, I had plenty of guys lining up to date me. I don't know if I was following gods orders when I came down here or my own. and if I was following my own then I only have myself to blame for the situation I find myself in. Married to a guy without a job, who only works minimum wage jobs, who doesn't put forth the work required to get himself a better job. and weighted down with a kid, which only makes life more difficult, as if it wasn't hard enough already.
If I hadn't married Mike I wouldn't have gotten fired. If I hadn't moved to Florida I wouldn't have gone so long unemployed I would still have my job and I would probably have bought myself a foreclosed house or townhouse by now. My car wouldn't be so beat up, the list can go on with all the positive things that would have happened if I hadn't moved to Florida.
And here I am complaining about Mike not defending me and snapping at me over so many things, when right now he's in the kitchen heating me up some turkey pot pie. And he's been helping me out a hell of a lot better and a lot more than his father cares for. The grouchy bastard.
I do love my son, and if some one verbally attacks my father in law I will defend him. though I doubt I'll get the same curtsy from him. Mike 'is' depressed from his lack of a job and the fact that he feels like less of a father because he can't provide for his son, just like his father and step father didn't provide for their kids. I feel like they are just excuses but I understand that I would snap too under those situations. I am a bit snappy too because of our situation in life, because both of us are not working right now.
I'm not exactly a princess not am I easy to live with either. I have my faults, even now I fear that I'll become the kind of mom that my mother was... not a good one. I don't want my son growing up thinking that I hate him, or that I blame things that go wrong on him. and I certainly don't want to ever throw him into a closet, or make him feel even worse when he was already upset from being bullied at school. My mother made what the bullies at school did seem tame.
Truth be told I think I need to see a counselor. get some help. Find out why I want to keep running away, maybe help me settle things with myself over how I feel about my mother. Still... I wish God would let me know some how that I did the right thing. That I'm on the right path. I know parables mention how the easy path is the wrong one, the path of sin and all that. And the hard path is the rightouse one. But honestly I think the only way I would be taking the easy path is by running away.
I don't know if going to Florida was the right thing, and still... I want to run away. And when Mike hurts me... really badly. I am more than ready to pack my bags and leave...
I hate that things are strained so badly like that right now.
...
*Sigh*
But the minute I moved here... actually within the hour I even left Vancouver things went wrong. Maybe when I hit that block of black ice, hitting the center partition and did a 360 to the point that when we finally stopped I was facing traffic, facing home. Even now I can't call Washington, Washington. I call it home. I don't even do it intentionally I have to watch my words to make sure I don't say it.
I hate myself for saying it but I want to run away. I want to go back in time and tell myself not to move to Florida, not to take Mike back. That he is wrong for me, that I can find someone better, that he doesn't deserve a second chance. And when I say run away I mean entirely run away. From Mike, from Scott, leave everything behind but what clothes and things I can stuff in a suitcase and fly back home.
I always have to watch my words when it comes to Mike, I can't say I dislike something or he'll start yelling at me saying that I'm always negative. In fact just today I had mentioned I didn't like the kind of song Art, our couch crasher, was listening too. Next thing I know he's saying I'm negative and that all I say is that I hate something or don't like something and that every word I say is negative. Then he tried to say that he was only referring to me being negative right that very minute when I pointed out to him that he's called me negative on multiple occasions and that he has been the ONLY one in my entire life to call me negative. He calls me racist too, which is beyond me. I don't judge people because of their skin, I never have. Because strangers make me uncomfortable what ever the skin color, I'm suddenly racist? Again he is the only one to have ever accused me of such a thing.
He never almost never defends me, or takes my side when it comes to anyone. Our room mates are always right, his dad is always right. Hell when his ex friend (who stole his laptop and multiple other things) started sending me sexually abusive texts (talking about the things he wanted to do to me despite my constant asking of him to stop) Mike didn't do anything about it, nothing. that was part of the reason why I broke up with him in the first place. His dad says all this shit about me, about me being lazy or a horrible mother and tries to tell us how to raise our son. Mike doesn't say anything. When Kenny and Tina were making my life miserable, harassing me, at one point physically assaulting me, and smoking in the house when I was pregnant. He didn't do anything.
I think back on all the things that have happened over the years I have lived here in Florida and I see all these signs that I didn't pay attention to. I should have listened, I should have stayed in Washington. Should have kept my job and kept working on putting money into savings. I could have used some of the money I saved up for the trip to Florida, on Sakuracon. An anime convention I've been wanting to go to for years. I should have even used some of it on a plane trip to New orleans for the Dark Hunter Convention, a con for one of my favorite Authers. I should have stayed with my friends, with my family... I should have realized when I grew sick with missing them that I should have gone back. two years later and I'm still home sick.
I'd already had proof during the year that Mike and I were apart that I was appealing to guys, I had plenty of guys lining up to date me. I don't know if I was following gods orders when I came down here or my own. and if I was following my own then I only have myself to blame for the situation I find myself in. Married to a guy without a job, who only works minimum wage jobs, who doesn't put forth the work required to get himself a better job. and weighted down with a kid, which only makes life more difficult, as if it wasn't hard enough already.
If I hadn't married Mike I wouldn't have gotten fired. If I hadn't moved to Florida I wouldn't have gone so long unemployed I would still have my job and I would probably have bought myself a foreclosed house or townhouse by now. My car wouldn't be so beat up, the list can go on with all the positive things that would have happened if I hadn't moved to Florida.
And here I am complaining about Mike not defending me and snapping at me over so many things, when right now he's in the kitchen heating me up some turkey pot pie. And he's been helping me out a hell of a lot better and a lot more than his father cares for. The grouchy bastard.
I do love my son, and if some one verbally attacks my father in law I will defend him. though I doubt I'll get the same curtsy from him. Mike 'is' depressed from his lack of a job and the fact that he feels like less of a father because he can't provide for his son, just like his father and step father didn't provide for their kids. I feel like they are just excuses but I understand that I would snap too under those situations. I am a bit snappy too because of our situation in life, because both of us are not working right now.
I'm not exactly a princess not am I easy to live with either. I have my faults, even now I fear that I'll become the kind of mom that my mother was... not a good one. I don't want my son growing up thinking that I hate him, or that I blame things that go wrong on him. and I certainly don't want to ever throw him into a closet, or make him feel even worse when he was already upset from being bullied at school. My mother made what the bullies at school did seem tame.
Truth be told I think I need to see a counselor. get some help. Find out why I want to keep running away, maybe help me settle things with myself over how I feel about my mother. Still... I wish God would let me know some how that I did the right thing. That I'm on the right path. I know parables mention how the easy path is the wrong one, the path of sin and all that. And the hard path is the rightouse one. But honestly I think the only way I would be taking the easy path is by running away.
I don't know if going to Florida was the right thing, and still... I want to run away. And when Mike hurts me... really badly. I am more than ready to pack my bags and leave...
I hate that things are strained so badly like that right now.
...
*Sigh*
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