I'm sorry to burden you with this but I'm not sure who else to talk to about it. two years ago when I decided to move down to Florida I honestly thought that God was telling me to move here. Now I'm not so sure if it was my own fool hardy desire to run away from the home I knew because it was becoming boring. I had a desire to run away, to get away from under my parents hold, to run away.
But the minute I moved here... actually within the hour I even left Vancouver things went wrong. Maybe when I hit that block of black ice, hitting the center partition and did a 360 to the point that when we finally stopped I was facing traffic, facing home. Even now I can't call Washington, Washington. I call it home. I don't even do it intentionally I have to watch my words to make sure I don't say it.
I hate myself for saying it but I want to run away. I want to go back in time and tell myself not to move to Florida, not to take Mike back. That he is wrong for me, that I can find someone better, that he doesn't deserve a second chance. And when I say run away I mean entirely run away. From Mike, from Scott, leave everything behind but what clothes and things I can stuff in a suitcase and fly back home.
I always have to watch my words when it comes to Mike, I can't say I dislike something or he'll start yelling at me saying that I'm always negative. In fact just today I had mentioned I didn't like the kind of song Art, our couch crasher, was listening too. Next thing I know he's saying I'm negative and that all I say is that I hate something or don't like something and that every word I say is negative. Then he tried to say that he was only referring to me being negative right that very minute when I pointed out to him that he's called me negative on multiple occasions and that he has been the ONLY one in my entire life to call me negative. He calls me racist too, which is beyond me. I don't judge people because of their skin, I never have. Because strangers make me uncomfortable what ever the skin color, I'm suddenly racist? Again he is the only one to have ever accused me of such a thing.
He never almost never defends me, or takes my side when it comes to anyone. Our room mates are always right, his dad is always right. Hell when his ex friend (who stole his laptop and multiple other things) started sending me sexually abusive texts (talking about the things he wanted to do to me despite my constant asking of him to stop) Mike didn't do anything about it, nothing. that was part of the reason why I broke up with him in the first place. His dad says all this shit about me, about me being lazy or a horrible mother and tries to tell us how to raise our son. Mike doesn't say anything. When Kenny and Tina were making my life miserable, harassing me, at one point physically assaulting me, and smoking in the house when I was pregnant. He didn't do anything.
I think back on all the things that have happened over the years I have lived here in Florida and I see all these signs that I didn't pay attention to. I should have listened, I should have stayed in Washington. Should have kept my job and kept working on putting money into savings. I could have used some of the money I saved up for the trip to Florida, on Sakuracon. An anime convention I've been wanting to go to for years. I should have even used some of it on a plane trip to New orleans for the Dark Hunter Convention, a con for one of my favorite Authers. I should have stayed with my friends, with my family... I should have realized when I grew sick with missing them that I should have gone back. two years later and I'm still home sick.
I'd already had proof during the year that Mike and I were apart that I was appealing to guys, I had plenty of guys lining up to date me. I don't know if I was following gods orders when I came down here or my own. and if I was following my own then I only have myself to blame for the situation I find myself in. Married to a guy without a job, who only works minimum wage jobs, who doesn't put forth the work required to get himself a better job. and weighted down with a kid, which only makes life more difficult, as if it wasn't hard enough already.
If I hadn't married Mike I wouldn't have gotten fired. If I hadn't moved to Florida I wouldn't have gone so long unemployed I would still have my job and I would probably have bought myself a foreclosed house or townhouse by now. My car wouldn't be so beat up, the list can go on with all the positive things that would have happened if I hadn't moved to Florida.
And here I am complaining about Mike not defending me and snapping at me over so many things, when right now he's in the kitchen heating me up some turkey pot pie. And he's been helping me out a hell of a lot better and a lot more than his father cares for. The grouchy bastard.
I do love my son, and if some one verbally attacks my father in law I will defend him. though I doubt I'll get the same curtsy from him. Mike 'is' depressed from his lack of a job and the fact that he feels like less of a father because he can't provide for his son, just like his father and step father didn't provide for their kids. I feel like they are just excuses but I understand that I would snap too under those situations. I am a bit snappy too because of our situation in life, because both of us are not working right now.
I'm not exactly a princess not am I easy to live with either. I have my faults, even now I fear that I'll become the kind of mom that my mother was... not a good one. I don't want my son growing up thinking that I hate him, or that I blame things that go wrong on him. and I certainly don't want to ever throw him into a closet, or make him feel even worse when he was already upset from being bullied at school. My mother made what the bullies at school did seem tame.
Truth be told I think I need to see a counselor. get some help. Find out why I want to keep running away, maybe help me settle things with myself over how I feel about my mother. Still... I wish God would let me know some how that I did the right thing. That I'm on the right path. I know parables mention how the easy path is the wrong one, the path of sin and all that. And the hard path is the rightouse one. But honestly I think the only way I would be taking the easy path is by running away.
I don't know if going to Florida was the right thing, and still... I want to run away. And when Mike hurts me... really badly. I am more than ready to pack my bags and leave...
I hate that things are strained so badly like that right now.
...
*Sigh*
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