With how everything has been lately I'm pretty surprised that I haven't wanted to take a gun to my head yet... I don't want to post this up on facebook because... I just don't want anymore pity. How is it that things are already looking a bit dim but possibly survivable when suddenly everything falls apart.
I had medical issues and had to go on maternity leave earlier than expected. I got my last unemployment check which we used to pay off almost all of our bills. We had finally started to catch up and it looked like we would be able to survive on just Michael's income alone. Then he comes home one day fired, he'd worked there for over 2 years and they fired him with no warning, no write up, nothing. at the worst possible moment for him to be fired...
We'd tried to apply for food stamps, but Michael being the procrastinator that he is. Never got around to actually filling out the paperwork until a month after we'd filed for food stamps so obviously it get's rejected. we are trying to survive off of what we have... and we're almost out of money and no money seems to be coming in soon enough. My car's brakes are going, and we don't have the money to fix them AND eat. I'm afraid for the baby because of this, God was I just not supposed to have this baby or something? Why does everything have to not just go wrong but it gets worse and worse?
My prayer's are unheard... Mike isn't even trying to get a job anymore... He just lays around the house all day playing his video games or going over to his friend Dennis's to play video games there. I don't know if he even cares, like he's laying back and just watching everything fall apart. We don't have money to pay car insurance, or the phone bill or bright house. We've been stretching every last penny out to keep ourselves fed. My parents gave us 200$ and as much as I didn't even want to TOUCH it... we've already gone through almost all of it. Going to have to touch the money in our savings too. We didn't have much... just 50$ in the pickle jar.
There are so many things that need to get done... and Mike wont do them. He just sits around, right now... all fucking day long he said he'd get the dishes done after this or after that. Now he is complaining of a headache and laying on the couch probably about to fall asleep. I hurt myself trying to clean the room for when we try to switch rooms tomorrow. I don't know if we're even going to get it done because I don't know if Mike is even going to try.
I don't know why I haven't attempted to kill myself or even wanted to. I just cry when I get moments of weakness like this and other times I try to do what little I can to try and survive. Scott's due date is just a few weeks away and the way things are going he might be a little early. Mike wont help me with anything... I feel so alone in all this... like I'm trying to struggle through all this by myself while Mike just sits back. And I can't even do much because I medically and physically just CAN'T.
The best way to explain how I feel right now... I'm being ripped apart emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm in pain every where and in every possible way and while I'm being tortured this way I watch my world falling apart. All while I'm trying to bring a new life into the world and I don't know how I'm going to keep him alive.
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