Going to do a little plugging real quick... not really sure if anyone ever reads what I write but... I've been recently writing on tumblr... so here is that link http://www.tumblr.com/blog/michisilver
Things are falling apart again... with my job, with my husband... and though I've been trying to stop it... though I noticed the signs and tried to do something about it... I have no control... none... it all goes slipping out of my hands again...
I met a friend, Tony, through another friend, Nova. Her and him... it's complicated but lets just say they're together and make it less complicated that way. a few days ago I brought myself up the courage to tell Tony some of what happened with Chad... with how I had met him and how things were falling apart in my marriage and I had even left. How I fell apart when we stopped talking, when the cord was finally cut... how I would just sit in the tub crying until there was nothing left and just stare... stare at nothing and feel utterly dead inside...
and how much more it kills me... knowing that person... all of it... had been nothing but a lie.
with mike... pushing me away... sleeping on the couch and... finding ways to avoid me... lying to me... blaming me for every problem, every error we make. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get fired and I'm sure he is hating me for it right now. just all the more reason to push me away from him.
and now I feel myself slipping up, my walls that I'd built up to keep what's left of my brokenness away from being hurt again. I have often lain away wondering if I could ever love again... if I could ever trust anyone ever again to touch that part of me ever again.
I already compare myself to others... I don't intend to... but... yah. I know when people get to see who I am on the inside... well they don't like what they see. They want the shallow happy person who doesn't show the pain she tries so hard to keep inside, they See Miu, and Michi... they don't see me... The girl all alone and hurting and wishing to god someone would love her and not lie to her and abandon or hurt her anymore...
every time I hear about Nova from Tony... how much he loves her... what he would do for her... I know... I know he isn't bull shitting. I guess after being lied to so much you start to be able to tell when someone really truly means what they say. I think... why wont anyone love me like that?
and I also compare myself to her... thinking "see, that's why no one will ever do anything for you Michelle. Because you mean nothing. You are a thing to be used and tossed aside. Not treasured or cared for or even loved."
Maybe... I just have to stop wanting it anymore... just accept who everyone keeps proving to me that I am...
nothing
