Fever induced dreams

Apparently when I am tossing and turning in the middle of the night fighting a fever I have dreams of Chad because that is exactly what happened. The first one was me remembering a picture he had sent of himself so very very long ago. He had lost his shirt after getting pushed into the lake, and he told me that his knee had gotten bashed on the rocks underneath when it happened.

Remembering that picture I soon found my hands cupping his cheeks as I looked up into his eyes, and I remembered his voice... I remembered him telling me that he loved me... the little bits of peices of his voice that I can still remember I hold onto very tightly. Somedays I'll just be going about my everyday life and suddenly I'll remember his voice and I'll just want to cling to it and curl up in on myself hoping to never let it fade away from my memory.

... anyways as I was staring up into his eyes I found myself lost for words. His eyes had me mesmerized and I felt like a deer staring at a tiger that was poised and ready to pounce. Suddenly I found myself backing away from him... how do I explain how I felt... I was short of breath... my heart was beating a mile a minute and I knew that he could tear me to peices, eat me alive... anything he wanted to do to me.

I kept backing up until my back hit a wall behind me and he still kept coming, corning me against the wall. I tried to speak "I..." but that was all I could get out my voice lost in his possessive and preditory gaze. And then his lips were on mine and my arms wrapped around his shoulders, suddenly I found my legs wrapped around his waist as he devoured my lips. and I whispered against his lips how much I loved him. He could tear me apart, but instead he held me close... treasured me...

*cough* anyways... afterwords we began to talk about how we should probably hurry up as people were probably waiting on us. And I realized we were on a pleasure cruise... that's when I came out of my dream thinking "I've never even been on a pleasure boat..." but then I remembered many many years ago one of my second cousins had gotten married, and their reception had been held on a cruise ship, which was were I learned how to do the Macarena...

*sigh* then I just wondered why I tortured myself with these dreams, of things that would never happen and just hurt my heart... but I can't control my dreams... especially not feverish dreams. It will never get easier... I just have to accept that I will never stop loving him, never stop missing him... But... I'm not... I'm not a person worth fighting for. He moved on... too bad I can never do the same.

Space Station

I had such a crazy dream last night… and the majority of the last part of it evolved around Chad. I was on a space station, where the majority of everyone had become turned into green moaning zombies. A small group of us were fine, part of that saved to a brother and sister (I think) who had access to magic. The guy had been playing the violin which had somehow created a magical barrier between whatever it was that was turning people into zombies. 

It didn’t take long for us to easily take out the Zombies, and this small group of us found ourselves in control of this huge space station. There had been two people that we found that the siblings were more than willing to bring back to life with little to no issue. We all had participated in the ceremony to bring the people back to life. 

It wasn’t until our station was invaded by the son or nephew of this rich guy… I think perhaps he owned the station, before it had been hit with the zombie curse. So this hot handsome guy, dressed all in black with two swords, and one smaller one, plus a dagger came bursting in. I was supposed to kill this guy but I had no weapons of any kind.

Right off the bat he sliced me up really good. Cutting his swords into my chest and down along my side, while I managed to get a dagger. He suddenly stopped trying to hurt me as if he had realized something, and in that moment as he paused I stabbed him in the gut with his dagger. I watched as he fell back and it was then that I realized who I had just stabbed… and suddenly all the cuts and wounds I had just sustained meant absolutely nothing to me.  I watched as my stab slowly killed Chad before my very eyes… 

I couldn’t realize what I had done… and while my friends congratulated me for killing him I turned to them and begged them to bring him back to life. They were very uncertain about doing such a thing, that was until they pulled his swords off of him and realized his two swords were tipped with so much blood… and discovered that I had been horribly wounded as well. I refused to let them heal me or patch me up until Chad had been brought back to life.

They still dragged their feet about it but I think worry about my own health is what finally convinced them to do it… It was then that I discovered that the siblings gave up a small part of their soul to bring people back to life and even then it wasn’t completely certain that it would work. I told them I would give up part of my soul for his life instead. 

I realized then that I would give up everything for him… my life, my happiness, my very soul… I know it sounds stupid… especially for a man who wants nothing to do with me anymore… but it doesn’t matter. I love him and I will give up everything for him if he needed it of me.

During the ritual to bring him back to life I focused everything I had to bring him back to life, closing my eyes as I willed everything of me to bring him back… I could feel tears on my cheeks hoping and praying that it would work… when suddenly I passed out…

Perhaps the loss of blood had finally gotten to me… or perhaps giving up part of my soul for the first time was just too much for me to handle… But either way… I woke up then. I don’t know if it worked… I wish I knew.

 I also have something that seem to be filling my thoughts often as of late… It’s crazy too because… I don’t WANT to loose everything. I do love my husband even if he will never be or love me the way I think I deserve… to be honest when I met him I thought that the way he treated me was the kind of love I deserved… it’s only taken many years later for me to realize that I deserve so much more than I give myself credit for. 

I DO deserve the man of my dreams, my soul mate… I deserve a man who surprises me with small romantic gestures all the time. Who opens the door for me, who buys me flowers for no damned reason other than to make me smile. I deserve a man who would fight for me, who would lay his life on the line for mine. Who would drop everything to hold me when I cried, who wouldn’t tell me that my hurts were stupid or none important.

I deserve a man, a love, that would put me above himself just like I would for him. I deserve a man that I can trust, who I know will keep his promises. I deserve a man who makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world to him, more important than anything else in his life.

… and that isn’t Mike. It’s just not who he is… His father never showed him that kind of love and in fact he doesn’t even believe that such a person could even exist. He’s told me time and time again that the kind of love I think I deserve is the thing of legends and fairy tales. But I know he is wrong… why? Because that is the kind of love that my dad gave my mother… and he still does even today. My dad shows up out of nowhere for no reason what so ever to give her a bouquet of flowers.

But even with that example I began to believe that a person like that just didn’t exist… because he kept telling me over and over again that it wasn’t possible… *sigh*

Anyways… getting back on track here. My dream… is that I lose everything… My job, my home, my husband… I don’t know how exactly. Death, divorce, something that has me never see him again. And I lose my son to child services because I have no home and no way to buy him food and keep him safe and warm.

Which just isn’t fair… you know? How can it possibly be YOUR fault that life hands you such a horrible hand… It’s not as if it’s neglect on your end… and yet they will take your child away from you for just about any reason they can think of…

*sigh* anyways… I have lost everything… my life has fallen apart. I have a book in the process of being published but no idea how well that will go over or if I will even make anything from it. And I just fall apart as I try to figure out what I am going to do… I don’t know where I was because… well I was probably so upset and at a loss that anyone else around me would fade away as I felt so alone.

But then I hear Chad’s voice behind me saying “I’ll help” Everything goes numb and I stand there in shock, sure that I was dreaming or imagining things. It’s Chad? It can’t be chad… he… he told me he never wanted to see me again… I’m never going to see him again… I’ve forced myself to accept that fate as difficult as it has been to accept all these years.

But I have to know… just like every time I think I might see him around the corner… I have to know I have to look… I’d probably just have my heart sink again when I see that it isn’t Chad. Slowly I turn around, my eyes widening… I had only seen one or two pictures of him but I knew without a doubt that it was Chad…

That small tenuous hold I had on myself and on my emotions completely fall away and tears start falling freely, wetting my cheek as I see him in person for the first time ever, “Ch… Chad?” I asked him as tears and soft sobs shook my voice.

He didn’t say a word just wrapped his long strong arms around me and held me close to him my head resting against his chest as I wet his shirt with my tears. I clung to his shirt still shocked to find that I wasn’t dreaming and yet… it was so surreal that I still had trouble believing it. I lifted my head to look up at him, my eyes filled with tears and the first words to come from my lips, “Do you still want me?” I asked softly sniffling.

His arms tightened around me for a moment before he lets go of me and goes down to his knees in front of me. I’m utterly shocked as suddenly the most beautiful blue diamond I have ever seen appears before me as he tells me that he has never stopped loving me and staying away had been slowly eating away at his heart and his soul and that he would be the happiest man in the world if I would agree to marry him.

I burst into even more tears as I nodded my head enthusiastically. It’s crazy isn’t it… to imagine seeing Chad in real life for the first time and agreeing to marry him right then and there… but for him… I would. I’ve told my friends that when I fall in love with someone it is forever… and there are only two men that I have ever loved. One is my husband and the other is Chad… and I will never stop loving him. Even if he never loves me again, even if I never see him again… I will do anything I can for him with what little I have… I care if I never get anything back but that kind of sacrifice is worth it for him… Just to make him laugh would be a thrill for me.

I started crying last night though… as I drove home the radio began to play “God bless the broken road” and all I could see was me in a white dress and him in a tux, playing his guitar and singing this song to me… as I struggled not to cry with joy and happiness in front of everyone. And then later as I’m embarrassed at everyone’s eyes turned towards me, he cups my cheek lovingly and tells me to just focus on him and then his brown eyes are all I can focus on and the rest of the world disappears as I loose myself in his eyes and the love I see there…

God… why do I torment myself with THIS!? These dreams… these fantasy’s… they break my heart… I want them to happen so badly… and knowing that they never will… That I’ll never see him again or hear his voice or his laughter… or hear him with pain in his voice as he struggled not to cry… Hearing him tell me that he would never love again…

sob* This is never going to get easy is it… it’s almost been a year since I last spoke to him and it hurts just as bad now as it did then… I’ve just gotten more used to the fucking pain… but sometimes it’s still too much for me to not cry…

new years

Okay before I begin I have a secret I have to admit to... urm... how do I put it... I keep looking around trying to find Chad... as if some how he is near by and I keep looking at people wondering if maybe he's there just around the corner, that person over there... that person over here... I hate the fact that we had to part ways... but even now I have to admit that if we had kept talking the temptation would have been too much. I loved him too much to just be his friend.

and... I sometimes wonder if it was really just on my end... that is I know how most men think... wetting their wick and what not... There are more than a few men out there that enjoy playing with women, saying what ever needs to be said to get women to do what they want... but my heart never believes it. I can tell it a million times that the heart can be deceived but it doesn't listen... and I've given up on arguing with my heart.

so instead I just tell it "You'll never see or hear from him again" ... I mean hello! he said he wanted nothing to do with you anymore... *bows head and wipes at eyes* erm... anyways yah... I don't know... maybe I'll never stop loving him... it's gotten easier over time to live with it... but it doesn't make it hurt any less... it's... how do I explain it...

You know when you have this pain... all the time... in your chest... or leg... or where ever. For a while it hurts all the time and you focus on it which of course makes it hurt more... but after a while the pain just becomes a normal part of life... if the pain ever left you would notice the pain gone... and sometimes you'll think about it and "yup pain is still there" but... you learn to live with it.

That's pretty much what this is... I can go most of the day without thinking about it, thinking about him... and then I catch myself looking over my shoulder thinking... hoping for a moment that I saw him. I do it unconsciously, not even realizing what I'm doing until I realize I'm searching for him again.

... I can't say that my marriage is perfect... but my home is filled with a lot of love and laughter... and that is a wonderfully soothing balm on the wound. Just yesterday having Scott curl up on my chest and fall asleep in my arms... the warmth and happiness that came with that was so wonderful. The kitties are great, and Mike is great with Scott.

He frustrates me though... He accused me of not spending enough time with him or going out of my way to spend time with him... when just that very same day at work I suggested a movie for us to curl up on the couch to watch together. The problem is that his life evolves around his computer... I come home and sit down on the couch and he remains in the computer chair... what does he want me to do? Sit on his lap? he wants me to spend time with him... is spending time with him involve me being ignored by him while he plays on the computer? Because I'm sorry but that isn't it...

He never suggest snuggling on the bed or on the couch... I DO. he never suggests watching a movie together or having a nice dinner at home since we can't afford to eat out. No. That is me. He's been terribly depressed and has admitted himself that he has been doing nothing around the house the past two weeks. which was why both times I had a day off was spent picking up and cleaning the house.

As if I'm not already carrying us financially I now also have to carry us with the house work as well? *sigh* I have been loosing sizes left and right... Mike doesn't really cook anymore either... which is weird that he trys to use that as something he does around the house. He cooks food for himself... but usually when I'm home I have to fend for myself or starve... which means sometimes I don't eat at all.

in the past several months I have gone down from a size 22 to a size 16, and I seem to be getting small for my size 16 clothing now as well. Well part of that is probably because of the flue I was sick with since the 1st. I ended up loosing my voice for about 5 days or so and even now it isn't completly back yet... there were a few times all I could get out was some sad wheezing squeeking sound.... I swear I sounded like some dying animal. It was terrible... even more terrible that I had to work through a lot of that... but we couldn't afford for me not too... Still I did have two sick days... rare for me since I hadn't had a sick day in over a year.

I told mike that I was sad that he wasn't taking care of me at all while I was sick... when I was so weary and aching and doped up on night time cold medicine that I could barely keep my eyes open let alone stand up... I got maybe one meal a day on those days... because mike couldn't be bothered to take care of his sick wife.

I've already gotten Mike his valentines day card... actually I got him two and already gave him the first one... and I bought him a gift as well. I don't know why I bother... I know come valentines day he'll have nothing for me... and tell me that we can't afford it and blah blah blah... while he turns around and buys himself a new video game with the money he said he didn't have to get me anything.

Or... he'll claim that he had something in mind but because I "Said something" he wont do it now or some such bullshit. *sighs and bangs head against the wall slowly* okay no things are not great... I've tried to have conversations to help strengthen our relationship and instead they turn into arguments.

I tell him that one way to keep relationships strong is that each partner lets the other know how much they appreciate each other and everything there is to appreciate in each other... I told him I appreciated all the work he did around the house, taking care of Scott and such...

and he turns around and says "You have nothing for me to appreciate." ... and um... YAH I started crying cause... GOD that hurt. I compliment you... tell you that I appreciate you and everything you do and you turn around and tell me I'm a piece of shit? and then to add insult to injury as I walked around to shut myself in the room he follows me with the comment "Should I thank you for breathing? I don't know what you want me to thank you for."

The only thing he seems to be good at is a better father than his own... at least right now... because as a husband he is terrible. He never thinks about me, or is considerate of my feelings... But he himself said I am always thoughtful and considerate and getting him thoughtful small gifts here and there... and then I tell him "Nudge nudge wink wink" I'd really appreciate it if you would do things like that for me. "Well stop spending money on me so I CAN do that" he says... HA! every time... EVERY time he has gotten money to spend... he spends it on himself.

He thinks everything I do I am "Obligated" to do and so there is nothing to be thankful for... That alone makes me want to leave. *sighs*

Why is it that he listens to the counselor more than he does to me? The counselor literally repeats what I asked to Mike and THEN mike actually listens to it... I've proven time and time again that I listen to mike, that I hear what he is saying... but he has never proven that he listens to me. Did I mention that he didn't get me anything for Christmas? While I bought him several gifts? I pointed out several ideas to him, but instead he sells a game and buys a game for himself... and I'm left with nothing...

I think my husband treats me worse than he treats other people! WHY do I put up with this?

I mean Dammit I'm getting better in bed, I'm learning new things... and FUCK! I gave him a random strip tease dance for no fucking reason, gave him a lap dance. hell even had sex on the table... >.> okay yah that was fun. *giggles* There is just something to be said with your butt sitting on the end of a table, back arched, and legs wrapped around a mans hips as he thrusts into you that is... so... so sexy.

Anyways I go out of my way for him and yet in return... I get ignored... I get nothing... It hurts... It hurts a lot. I try to help cheer him up... I do so many things with him to try and help him feel better... but he does nothing and thinks of nothing but himself... and it hurts... it hurts a lot... Where was this husband that promised to make things work...

As soon as he felt confident that he didn't need to work to keep me anymore he just went back to ignoring me again...

... I try not to focus on it though... I try to focus on the love and comfort I feel at home... did I mention I sleep alone in my bed every night? It gets lonely in there at night... yes I know Mike snores really loud... but I don't like sleeping alone in my bed... and yet even after saying that... he still sleeps on the couch.

I do wonder sometimes if he's cheating on me... *sighs and shrugs* fine... he can cheat on me and eventually leave me... or not even admit to it and eventually leave me... I'll figure out what to do... even if it means depending on others for help.