something funny in saddness

Last night I wrote a text to my husband and sent a copy of it to my friend Ness. I was seriously depressed and Mike and I had a big fight. Well more so he was yelling at me, seeing an argument were there was none. It got to the point were I pulled over, got out of the car and walked away. I couldn't take the yelling anymore and I was tired of crying. Even though he calmed down and picked me up in the car afterwords. Things were still pretty strained.

SO I wrote this text... here I'll write down the post and then my friend Ness's response.

"I'm just a huge failure. I'm a horrible daughter, I fail as a friend, I suck as a wife and I'm disastrous as a mother. I can't say or do anything right, people only barely tolerate me. I completely fail in social situations. I either don't talk enough or talk too much. Talk too quietly or talk too loudly. I'm either too distant or too smothering. Too much detail or not enough. I can't get a decent job, I'm too depressed. I feel sorry for myself and can't get passed curling up and crying instead of doing something. I'm too crazy, too normal. I can't say things right, I start arguments without trying. I suck at sex because I want to enjoy it, and it takes too much work to get me to enjoy it. Any idea how that makes me feel? I don't get to enjoy sex unless I do all the work for both people or I can just lay there and try to get some enjoyment out of it. It turns me against sex, what's the point if no one is willing to try and make me happy?"

This was my friend Ness's response.

"I can't help but remark on the fact that a litany about how 'worthless' you supposedly are is nevertheless written with nearly perfect spelling and grammar, thus proving in itself that there's at least one thing you're good at. You may wish, as you assure the world that you have no talent or value, to meditate on the fact that you objectively possess a skill found in all too short a supply in modern days: you are highly literate."

It just made me laugh because I believe he was right and his comment threw me for a loop, cheering me up.

good and bad

I know I normally post on here when I'm in a bad mood, but I'm really not in all that bad of a mood right now... in fact... I want to pull out my journal from the closet and start writing... been a long while since I last did that.

So... no post here after all. Off to write in my soul spounge!

is this supposed to happen?

Is this supposed to happen? Am I meant to be here... in this situation? Living in a verbally abusive relationship? Am I supposed to eventually get divorced, become a counselor, and help other women in the same situation as me?

... I don't mean to be selfish... but I don't want that. I don't want to loose my marriage, I don't want it to be abusive anymore. If need be I will leave if things get too bad and despite all attempts he will not stop his actions. I don't want to be here... at all. I don't even want to have a kid right now! *sigh*

I wanted one eventually... but... from the get go things haven't been so good. I had been unemployed for a few months before I got pregnant, and the second I told Mike started yelling at me, he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose... I wanted to jump off the nearest tallest cliff. He's been less than understanding, and now that he's lost his job he isn't even trying to get a job... not right now anyways.

He keeps talking about possibly getting a job working for the sheriff's department working in the prisons, because it's good pay. But he is purposefully putting that off, with one excuse after the other. And he'll admit to it too.

I tried to get us set up for some marriage counseling, but when I called Family support and Resource center I was given one number after the other after the other. Finally the last number they gave me didn't even work... I finally just gave up. I'll try again later when I'm less tired... I've been tired every day the past few days. I haven't gotten any decent sleep for some time now.

... scott's hungry...

is this it?

Is this the best that I'm ever going to get? A roof over my head, food in my belly, no income and ever constant grief and depression. Every day it's a struggle not to cry and scream at the unfairness of the world. Even knowing that there are others out there worse off than me... even though I know that it will only make me better and stronger in the long run. I hate it... I hate the tears, I hate the grief. Today was the second time I was tempted to steal from the store. I walked away from the items that were tempting me but still... the temptation was there. I even though of a way to do it...

But I'm not going to give into that temptation. I'm not going to risk my life, my family's life, just because of some electronic item that I don't actually need. It's not going to make my life any easier, there is no reason to even want to steal it. *sigh* I guess... since Mike and I have been stolen from so much lately, I felt a little... I don't know... I can save up my spending to buy the item that I thought about stealing. I can wait, or I can just go without...

Maybe I thought, if I got caught stealing I could go to jail and that would be one way of running away... I didn't want this... I didn't want to live with no income, with too much responsibility and no way to fulfill them. Being left on my own to raise my child because my husband is too caught up in his stupid World of Warcraft game... again. I haven't gotten any unbroken sleep for quite some time now. Not since he got sick with a cold and has been using every excuse he can think of to not help me. And then blaming me while he's at it.

When I'm not just... kind of numb... or fighting off tears, I think about running away. Or about how my marriage is falling apart. I hate being in the situation that I am in, I hate that we are so bloody poor. That we have no home... no place safe. I just want to go home...