need to vent

Thanks to... god I don't know what. I can't complain about my husbands actions on facebook for everyone to see... well I think they SHOULD! He's been nothing but an outright bully! He feels like he is a looser (check!) but you want to know why he is a loser? Because all he does is whine and complain and feel sorry for himself while punishing me for some stupid insignificant slight because he is feeling bad for himself.

Yesterday I was on wow talking to my friend and I had mentioned that I had to practically beg mike to get the baby gate with the latching gate in it so that I would stop tripping and falling on my face because I'm so short. I had to give up 20$ of my spending to convince him to let us buy it... the dick. And some how things spiraled... until I got to the point were I decided to talk about something else... I couldn't talk about mike and the things he's been doing to me without crying... but since I couldn't get myself to stop thinking about it I got offline. I was sad but not crying until he got home... and I couldn't help it when I started crying. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to say... for numerous reasons. I didn't want to make him feel bad... it would have made me cry harder... when I'm crying it's hard to speak.

Finally I thought maybe we can do a small impromptu romantic desert to help things along a little. So I went out and get the soy sauce and banana's he'd forgotten plus three whisks to whisk the chocolate fondue and I bought him some gorgeous roses...

Non of which he was remotly thankful for... his response to the roses was "oh that's nice... but you know I'm not big on roses." I guess it's my same response when he gives me a potted plant... it's like here are some flowers "but you got to work on em because I wont ever take care of them jut like I never take care of you" ...

Any ways when I finally finish making the fondue mike is super busy playing a raid... yes a raid... he knew I was making the fondue but he thought "hey I've got time. lets do this 25 man raid!" which of course took a half hour to finish after I had finished making everything... I swear he did that to be cruel and insensitive on purpose...

anyways we get to the fondue and all he does is complain about this and that. I'd rather have the cheese fondue. this chocolate fondue isn't that great. You know I don't care for chocolate that much. (Actually NO I DIDN'T!!! you fucking ass hole!) of course your really don't care for much of anything I try to do for you... Like cooking all the meals the past two days. I almost always cook the breakfast... partly because he sleeps in until 2 in the afternoon...

anyways he's complaining about the movie I chose so I was like fine "click" turned it off... and I couldn't help but mention that he had been complaining about everything... and he's like "no I'm not. You're the one being nothing but negative." o.O the hell? he says he has dreams and he only just realized that he'll never be able to achieve them. and of course he blames everyone else for the fact that he never got off his fat ass and tried to go to college... nope. some how it's my fault (even though he didn't know me then) and his fathers fault. oh and hell it's his mom's fault for not being around at the time even though she couldn't find him.

I told him that I had dreams too and he shot me down instantly with "oh but you can do your dreams" and I pointed out that those weren't all of my dreams. I gave up my dream of going to japan when I met Mike and then I had also discovered you had to be within a certain weight and size to even live there so that made things even easier to let go. and he said my waist was just fine and I told him no. "I was fat fat fat." and he slammed his fist onto the table (before this I had just been down because he was complaining about everything but at this point I went from shock to tears as he started to lay into me) he started yelling at me that I hadn't worked out once since the day we had moved into the apartment (bullshit by the way) and... you know I don't remember much after that as it was just him yelling and screaming at me and I was lost in a sea of tears.

I got up and got some tissue's to blow my nose... and all this time he is still yelling and screaming at me... and all I did was cry and sob. I thought... there is no way we are going to have a "date" night if it is going to be anything like this was... finally I couldn't take standing there and taking more of his crap so I went to the bedroom to sob... and with my developing cold/bug (which is in full effect now) my sobs were fixed with wracks of coughing... after a LONG period of time he came in to rub my back... and I told him that if tonight was any indicator that we shouldn't have the date night. Because at this point our marriage is basically broken to pieces...

He refuses to be wrong... he has to find excuses for everything... he can't just admit that he was in the wrong and appologize... instead to blamed everything that was happening on me. "I" was being too negative! "I" had done the desert against what HE wanted. so OF COURSE I should be yelled at and made to be the beat up doll. he yelled at me some more when I told him about the date... driving me out of the room until I finally made it to the bathroom vomiting in the toilet because I was coughing and sobbing so much... and it was there that I found myself trapped in the corner were he continued to yell at me... I just stood there and sobbed... does he not see how much of a FUCKING BULLY he is?!

GOD! there is no fixing this! I've tried SO HARD to put up with this. to forgive him to try and make things work. To try and love him again... but at every turn he makes all my attempts mute because he just doesn't want to make it work anymore.

And now here I am... sick as balls stuck in bed with a cold a fever a wracking cough that comes from my lungs... and the only thing he did to help me... was to bring the humidifyer in... even though I was about to do it myself so "BIG HELP THERE DICK!" He is currently taking a nap on the couch... I am about ready to go out and get myself some day and night cold medicine and some soup and cook myself up some food... because I'm obviously not going to get any help from my "husband" ...

don't know how much longer that will be... I gave myself a time period... that he doesn't know about... that if I don't see an obvious difference in his attitude and treatment of me... that I am going to kick him out. I think it was the end of April... there is no point telling him about the date... because a week before he will try to make an obvious change but as soon as the date comes and goes he will be back to his verbally abusive ways...

God... please give me strength... to do what I have to do... I prayed for this marriage to work... to be fixed and I have tried to fix it... tried to be more understanding and forgiving... tried to give him the things he wanted... all of which not enough... and in all of this I am still miserable and crying and hurt and alone... I don't know what to do... I don't even know how we are going to go about getting this done... I want a divorce and I want to pretend I had never married this horrible abusive man... maybe with any luck his son will be NOTHING like him!

lost

my heart aches... and I am filled with feelings of sadness and hopelessness...
What do I do? ... I'm so lost and confused.
My husband has left me... and in his place is replaced with a child.
With all the selfishness of a child, uncaring for those he hurts and only concerned in there here and now.
Wanting only what will make him happy while leaving excuses for the things he does.

Everything will be normal when...
I'm this way because of this...
instead of doing he talks and whines and complains and explains that he is the way he is because... Sometimes he claims it's something I did but when I ask for specifics he tells me he can't remember.

What do I do with this child that I had thought a man?
Was he really ever an adult or did he just trick me with his acting and lies.
Even now I can't fully trust him...
He still seeks to fullfill himself with games and toys while he ignores the rest of the world.

Like a child he points at his small acomplishments and demands praise
while he sits lazilly back in his toys and complains that the world is not fair
and that is why he can't be the man I need him to be.

Maybe that is why I wake up so often to not find him near.
Maybe that is why during the day he is absent and lost in his bed.
I don't know why he lashes out in bursts of anger and then claims to know my heart
he is not blameless but still he blames me for his troubles.

What happened to the man I married years ago?
is there any trace of him left? or is he pushing me away like he did years ago?
why did he break my heart only to mend it and break it all over again...

everyday my heart dies a little more and inside I try not to care while
I cry myself to sleep or go day by day holding back my tears...
my friends they try to understand and offer advice... saddly nothing works
I've done everything I can think of and I wait and I try to be understandig...

and I try...
and I try...
I try...
god dammit.

I don't want my marriage to end... but it already has...
we just haven't admitted it yet.
sleeping in different beds, at odds more than in harmony
there is no partnership but rather two room mates living in the same house.