Sometimes I wish I hadn't sworn to Chad that I wouldn't kill myself... he said he would follow me if I did... just as I had promised him I would follow him if he did... and it still holds true for me. If I found out he had died... it's hard enough living without him. But if he was dead as well? I couldn't do it anymore.
Since I have... really no way to contact him I have no way of knowing... but if I ever found out...
And just for the off chance that he is checking up on me once and a while, watching me from a distance... just on the off chance if he would follow me... I can't give up and end it all... I try to tell myself that he doesn't care about me anymore, that he wouldn't do it, but I can't ever risk doing something like that...
I feel bad that I love someone else more than my husband... and I don't know if that will ever change.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Reflect
As I reflect on my marriage, and on my past experiences... I start to wonder if I was ever really loved... I thought... I thought that when you loved someone you wanted to do everything you could to make them happy, because their laughter, their smile, brought joy to your heart...
But it seems I may have been the only one... All Mike has ever cared about was himself. He knows so little about me beyond what he has in common with me... I can't share my oppinions, my thoughts, the things that I care about or my interest... if it isn't something he likes... he not only does not want to hear about it, doesn't care... but often times he is so adamant against anything that is... me. That I wind up getting yelled and at emotionally... verbally beaten down. It happens still... I don't care if he says it's not who he is anymore... He did it just yesterday... er... thursday... when we drove to thanksgiving dinner.
I had read a book that Jamie had given me, called the Darwin awards, I'd only read two stories so far, and I had wanted to share the amusing stories with him. But all he heard was Darwin Awards... so of course... as I'm driving along he's blown up at me, yelling about how... apparently people will post stories about the Darwin awards online and say that "The world is going to end because of stupid people" ... he didn't even know that to be accepted into the Darwin awards, you have to have taken yourself out of the gene pool... yet he apparently knows so much about it....
He's so heavily opinionated that I can't share any of my opinions with him... When we work on a project, I share an idea with him on how to work on it... and he verbally beats me down telling me my idea is stupid and that he knows what's best.
Everything from magic, to the supernatural, to ghost hunting... to just my own oppinion on things such as bullying... He doesn't just do this with me but with other people as well. He dislikes my friends if they have different oppinions other than himself. He cares only about the people who do nice things for him, or give him things that he wants...
I see more and more of just how selfish he is. He insults my friends, my family, me... and if I face him about it he turns it around as if some how it's my fault... or that he's not really "That bad"
So... I wonder... how much does he even know about me? Or does he just "love me" because of what I do for him... Because I tried to make him happy... So often I've found myself with friends who so quickly toss me aside when I have nothing left to offer them... and when I reflect on it I realize they had never cared about me... my feelings... if I was hurting or if I needed help. So I've kept how I felt locked up, only to be able to write it down since... well, no body fucking cares...
So often Mike accused me of not really loving him but the idea of love... I'll admit some times he accuses me of things and he is actually correct... but in this instance he has never been right. It took a while for me to finally admit to it but when I told him I didn't love him anymore, I didn't hide that fact anymore. and I've tried to love him again... in a small way I have... but a part of me still hates him. For all the times he's hurt me... tore my dreams away telling me they were stupid and not possible... For the many... many times that he had me in tears and he would just keep pushing, putting me down, excusing away his behavior as it some how being my fault... and I just stand there and take it and cry...
a few weeks back... I was angry... Since in my parents house hold when someone is obviously angry, you avoid them until they calm down so you can discuss what ever has angered them calmly... or they deal with the situation and are no longer angry. The most I ever did when someone was angry was come up to them and give them a hug... okay so I would sometimes try to do more but that would usually end up with my head getting chewed off.
And I was angry at Mike... it was really both our faults but at the time logic refused to play any part in it... either way... he began to yell...and I began to cry... I was done, I had to go to work and I wasn't going to deal with it anymore... And he bared the door refusing to let me leave.... that was the only time I raised my voice... to tell him to let me go.
*Sigh* yah... I cried the whole way to work... anti depressants only do so much to make this marriage bearable... The truth is that I will never love Mike the way I used to... I see so many of his flaws... can't ignore or excuse away his actions or the way he treats me anymore...
People use me... and toss me aside... Does anyone even care about how I really feel? Or just that I am an ear to listen? Someone to offer them comfort when they need it... The second I found out Jamie's grandmother had died I picked up the phone and called her.
... and I can't stop loving Chad, or missing him... There's just been this big gaping hole in my heart... this pain in my chest that wont go away... I'll just be... minding my own buisness... taking a bath or something and a thought will flit across my mind "I miss chad..." and suddenly I am in tears, and all the walls I pulled up to try and bear it fall down. And once again I'm broken...
I never want to tell Mike why I'm crying when that happens... how are you supposed to tell them you love someone else... That you gave up your soul mate to make them happy? (I probably shouldn't say that... but dammit that's how I feel!) To try and keep your marriage and your family together... and that I miss him...
Sometimes I lay down to close my eyes I hear his voice in my mind... and he's all I can think of. And I try... God how I try... The book I've been writing has helped a little... some times I can associate chad and my thoughts of him with the character Remy...
But when I wrote about Trish telling Rem, how he was like her sunshine... how she felt like she was cold and numb until he is there, warming her all the way to her heart and soul...
Mike wants me to believe that he just used me... Someone to get his rocks off on, Someone to comfort him and take care of him when his girlfriend left him, and someone to hurt and tear apart just like his girlfriend had done him...
If I listen to my head... he's right... but when I listen to my heart... well there is a reason I constantly have internal debate when it comes to Chad... I don't think I'll ever be able to convince myself that he just tried to hurt me and use me, and then tossed me aside when I wasn't fun anymore...
But I really am an idiot... because I just keep letting people use me and hurt me... over and over again. Until I'm so stuck trying to make everyone else happy that I loose myself, broken inside and crying in silence where no one can find me... And I'm too stubborn to stop...
RinRin has been... in a way helpful... He's such a cuddly and friendly kitten, he is often demanding attention of me, head butting my hand... when I don't give him petties he starts to head butt my head and face... he's a dork. A sweety but a dork. The first time I brought him home, I curled up with him in bed, listening to his purring lull me to sleep...
He's still very young right now and very playful so it's a little difficult to get him to calm down and snuggle with me right now.
Also I drive myself crazy, hoping that he's watching me from a distance... Chad that is. I dreamt about him a while ago... he was a teacher as this school I was going to. He wasn't my teacher but he knew about this subject better than I did... and I couldn't understand the subject from my teacher so I went to him... also secretly hoping just to spend more time with him...
I looked him in the eyes looking at his face, all of him and told him "I like you" not just referring to my feelings for him but that I truly thought he was handsome... Even if others didn't, including himself, I did.
He blushed, but told me that we had to stay away from each other, and I knew the reason why. I knew... but it didn't stop me from being sad... Sometimes when I'm tempted to try and contact him... I remember the email he sent me... telling me that he had moved on, that I should too... and to leave him alone... just thinking about it hurts... but it's the only way I can seem to keep myself from trying to find him... I drive myself crazy wondering if I saw him at Winco... wishing that it was him... that he was some where near by...
Wishing that if I went hiking to the top of dog mountain this spring that some how I would see him there... I've caught myself wishing that I had just left Mike... that I had found a way to get those divorce papers... and kicked him out of the apartment... what is worse... is I'm starting to suspect he is cheating on me... he fought so hard to keep me and now he's cheating... I have no proof... I just... I suspect it.
He's grown distant even though I've stopped getting on Tera, even though I'm trying to spend more time with him. Giving him what he wanted... now he is pulling away. I knew he would...
I wish... I have some horrible wishes sometimes... sometimes horrible dreams... and it all circles around Chad... I have dreams that Mike is killed in a car crash... or a mugging.... or something. or that he leaves me suddenly for some rich beauty, and while I'm trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces... Wow I'm embarrassed to even write it out.
But then I wish for many things... I wish that I will finish my book and get it published... Not on Ebooks, but in actual books. I wish that they would be a hit and that I will write more books... I wish that I could go to Wales, and Scotland and visit all the castles and ruins... touch the stones, and just think on how things had been so very long ago...
sometimes I wish I hadn't made that promise to Chad, Sometimes I hadn't sworn to him that I wouldn't kill myself... Because sometimes... I wish I could just make the pain go away. Sometimes I'm tempted to just do it... thinking... "he said he's over me... he doesn't care... how would he find out anyways?"
I know... it's beyond selfish of me to want to take my life. To force my husband to fend for himself, no longer able to depend on me anymore. but then my son would be alone... my parents wouldn't adopt him. I know they wouldn't... Maybe Jamie would... who really knows?
Some times I feel like I'm already dead inside... why not make it true on the outside... I get so tired of smiling when I'm hurting inside... I'm so tired of trying to hide my tears from people who don't care... I'm so tired of keeping my thoughts, my opinions... all of me... bottled up so that I can please everybody else and no longer be me...
I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations... Being what THEY want me to be... doing what they want me to do... You know one of the big reasons my husband tried so hard to keep me? Because he didn't want our old room mates in Florida to show him up. yah... because of... "appearances" he tried to keep me. Not because he loved me... but because he didn't want to look bad to people he barely even talks to anymore...
Oh and because he doesn't have a job, because he can't afford the apartment by himself... because he would become homeless and have to depend on his family or friends to take care of him... The only reason he even HAS a bloody place is because of me. He always depends on everybody else... not once has he ever had a place of his own, taken care of himself... he takes the shity barely paying enough jobs... and then lives under someone else's roof and gives excuses as to why he can never move into a place of his own.
And then on top of that, he's is so often accusing me of spending money left and right, and yet I watch him make such big purchases... any time I start to buy small things and he brings it up, I find alternative ways that cost much less, so as to save money... But there he is, buying games, and making grocery lists for me to buy things... and then suddenly when the money is nearly gone he attacks me as if some how it is my fault...
Maybe that's it... he doesn't want to ever take responsibility... he wants to do what ever he wants... heck he even goes to me and asks me if he can spend a large amount of money on one thing or another. if I tell him no... some times he will find alternative ways to get what he wants... yah I wish he'd go that far out of his way to... oh I don't know.
Show me some love... I don't know how many times I've asked him for some random flowers... for no reason other than just to cheer me up... He could go out of his way to try and bring a smile to my face... You know what. Then I might actually start to really love him again... but it's Mike. He never goes out of his way for anyone but himself.
But it seems I may have been the only one... All Mike has ever cared about was himself. He knows so little about me beyond what he has in common with me... I can't share my oppinions, my thoughts, the things that I care about or my interest... if it isn't something he likes... he not only does not want to hear about it, doesn't care... but often times he is so adamant against anything that is... me. That I wind up getting yelled and at emotionally... verbally beaten down. It happens still... I don't care if he says it's not who he is anymore... He did it just yesterday... er... thursday... when we drove to thanksgiving dinner.
I had read a book that Jamie had given me, called the Darwin awards, I'd only read two stories so far, and I had wanted to share the amusing stories with him. But all he heard was Darwin Awards... so of course... as I'm driving along he's blown up at me, yelling about how... apparently people will post stories about the Darwin awards online and say that "The world is going to end because of stupid people" ... he didn't even know that to be accepted into the Darwin awards, you have to have taken yourself out of the gene pool... yet he apparently knows so much about it....
He's so heavily opinionated that I can't share any of my opinions with him... When we work on a project, I share an idea with him on how to work on it... and he verbally beats me down telling me my idea is stupid and that he knows what's best.
Everything from magic, to the supernatural, to ghost hunting... to just my own oppinion on things such as bullying... He doesn't just do this with me but with other people as well. He dislikes my friends if they have different oppinions other than himself. He cares only about the people who do nice things for him, or give him things that he wants...
I see more and more of just how selfish he is. He insults my friends, my family, me... and if I face him about it he turns it around as if some how it's my fault... or that he's not really "That bad"
So... I wonder... how much does he even know about me? Or does he just "love me" because of what I do for him... Because I tried to make him happy... So often I've found myself with friends who so quickly toss me aside when I have nothing left to offer them... and when I reflect on it I realize they had never cared about me... my feelings... if I was hurting or if I needed help. So I've kept how I felt locked up, only to be able to write it down since... well, no body fucking cares...
So often Mike accused me of not really loving him but the idea of love... I'll admit some times he accuses me of things and he is actually correct... but in this instance he has never been right. It took a while for me to finally admit to it but when I told him I didn't love him anymore, I didn't hide that fact anymore. and I've tried to love him again... in a small way I have... but a part of me still hates him. For all the times he's hurt me... tore my dreams away telling me they were stupid and not possible... For the many... many times that he had me in tears and he would just keep pushing, putting me down, excusing away his behavior as it some how being my fault... and I just stand there and take it and cry...
a few weeks back... I was angry... Since in my parents house hold when someone is obviously angry, you avoid them until they calm down so you can discuss what ever has angered them calmly... or they deal with the situation and are no longer angry. The most I ever did when someone was angry was come up to them and give them a hug... okay so I would sometimes try to do more but that would usually end up with my head getting chewed off.
And I was angry at Mike... it was really both our faults but at the time logic refused to play any part in it... either way... he began to yell...and I began to cry... I was done, I had to go to work and I wasn't going to deal with it anymore... And he bared the door refusing to let me leave.... that was the only time I raised my voice... to tell him to let me go.
*Sigh* yah... I cried the whole way to work... anti depressants only do so much to make this marriage bearable... The truth is that I will never love Mike the way I used to... I see so many of his flaws... can't ignore or excuse away his actions or the way he treats me anymore...
People use me... and toss me aside... Does anyone even care about how I really feel? Or just that I am an ear to listen? Someone to offer them comfort when they need it... The second I found out Jamie's grandmother had died I picked up the phone and called her.
... and I can't stop loving Chad, or missing him... There's just been this big gaping hole in my heart... this pain in my chest that wont go away... I'll just be... minding my own buisness... taking a bath or something and a thought will flit across my mind "I miss chad..." and suddenly I am in tears, and all the walls I pulled up to try and bear it fall down. And once again I'm broken...
I never want to tell Mike why I'm crying when that happens... how are you supposed to tell them you love someone else... That you gave up your soul mate to make them happy? (I probably shouldn't say that... but dammit that's how I feel!) To try and keep your marriage and your family together... and that I miss him...
Sometimes I lay down to close my eyes I hear his voice in my mind... and he's all I can think of. And I try... God how I try... The book I've been writing has helped a little... some times I can associate chad and my thoughts of him with the character Remy...
But when I wrote about Trish telling Rem, how he was like her sunshine... how she felt like she was cold and numb until he is there, warming her all the way to her heart and soul...
Mike wants me to believe that he just used me... Someone to get his rocks off on, Someone to comfort him and take care of him when his girlfriend left him, and someone to hurt and tear apart just like his girlfriend had done him...
If I listen to my head... he's right... but when I listen to my heart... well there is a reason I constantly have internal debate when it comes to Chad... I don't think I'll ever be able to convince myself that he just tried to hurt me and use me, and then tossed me aside when I wasn't fun anymore...
But I really am an idiot... because I just keep letting people use me and hurt me... over and over again. Until I'm so stuck trying to make everyone else happy that I loose myself, broken inside and crying in silence where no one can find me... And I'm too stubborn to stop...
RinRin has been... in a way helpful... He's such a cuddly and friendly kitten, he is often demanding attention of me, head butting my hand... when I don't give him petties he starts to head butt my head and face... he's a dork. A sweety but a dork. The first time I brought him home, I curled up with him in bed, listening to his purring lull me to sleep...
He's still very young right now and very playful so it's a little difficult to get him to calm down and snuggle with me right now.
Also I drive myself crazy, hoping that he's watching me from a distance... Chad that is. I dreamt about him a while ago... he was a teacher as this school I was going to. He wasn't my teacher but he knew about this subject better than I did... and I couldn't understand the subject from my teacher so I went to him... also secretly hoping just to spend more time with him...
I looked him in the eyes looking at his face, all of him and told him "I like you" not just referring to my feelings for him but that I truly thought he was handsome... Even if others didn't, including himself, I did.
He blushed, but told me that we had to stay away from each other, and I knew the reason why. I knew... but it didn't stop me from being sad... Sometimes when I'm tempted to try and contact him... I remember the email he sent me... telling me that he had moved on, that I should too... and to leave him alone... just thinking about it hurts... but it's the only way I can seem to keep myself from trying to find him... I drive myself crazy wondering if I saw him at Winco... wishing that it was him... that he was some where near by...
Wishing that if I went hiking to the top of dog mountain this spring that some how I would see him there... I've caught myself wishing that I had just left Mike... that I had found a way to get those divorce papers... and kicked him out of the apartment... what is worse... is I'm starting to suspect he is cheating on me... he fought so hard to keep me and now he's cheating... I have no proof... I just... I suspect it.
He's grown distant even though I've stopped getting on Tera, even though I'm trying to spend more time with him. Giving him what he wanted... now he is pulling away. I knew he would...
I wish... I have some horrible wishes sometimes... sometimes horrible dreams... and it all circles around Chad... I have dreams that Mike is killed in a car crash... or a mugging.... or something. or that he leaves me suddenly for some rich beauty, and while I'm trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces... Wow I'm embarrassed to even write it out.
But then I wish for many things... I wish that I will finish my book and get it published... Not on Ebooks, but in actual books. I wish that they would be a hit and that I will write more books... I wish that I could go to Wales, and Scotland and visit all the castles and ruins... touch the stones, and just think on how things had been so very long ago...
sometimes I wish I hadn't made that promise to Chad, Sometimes I hadn't sworn to him that I wouldn't kill myself... Because sometimes... I wish I could just make the pain go away. Sometimes I'm tempted to just do it... thinking... "he said he's over me... he doesn't care... how would he find out anyways?"
I know... it's beyond selfish of me to want to take my life. To force my husband to fend for himself, no longer able to depend on me anymore. but then my son would be alone... my parents wouldn't adopt him. I know they wouldn't... Maybe Jamie would... who really knows?
Some times I feel like I'm already dead inside... why not make it true on the outside... I get so tired of smiling when I'm hurting inside... I'm so tired of trying to hide my tears from people who don't care... I'm so tired of keeping my thoughts, my opinions... all of me... bottled up so that I can please everybody else and no longer be me...
I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations... Being what THEY want me to be... doing what they want me to do... You know one of the big reasons my husband tried so hard to keep me? Because he didn't want our old room mates in Florida to show him up. yah... because of... "appearances" he tried to keep me. Not because he loved me... but because he didn't want to look bad to people he barely even talks to anymore...
Oh and because he doesn't have a job, because he can't afford the apartment by himself... because he would become homeless and have to depend on his family or friends to take care of him... The only reason he even HAS a bloody place is because of me. He always depends on everybody else... not once has he ever had a place of his own, taken care of himself... he takes the shity barely paying enough jobs... and then lives under someone else's roof and gives excuses as to why he can never move into a place of his own.
And then on top of that, he's is so often accusing me of spending money left and right, and yet I watch him make such big purchases... any time I start to buy small things and he brings it up, I find alternative ways that cost much less, so as to save money... But there he is, buying games, and making grocery lists for me to buy things... and then suddenly when the money is nearly gone he attacks me as if some how it is my fault...
Maybe that's it... he doesn't want to ever take responsibility... he wants to do what ever he wants... heck he even goes to me and asks me if he can spend a large amount of money on one thing or another. if I tell him no... some times he will find alternative ways to get what he wants... yah I wish he'd go that far out of his way to... oh I don't know.
Show me some love... I don't know how many times I've asked him for some random flowers... for no reason other than just to cheer me up... He could go out of his way to try and bring a smile to my face... You know what. Then I might actually start to really love him again... but it's Mike. He never goes out of his way for anyone but himself.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
letting go
Why is it so hard to let go? Is it because I don't know? Or is it that I don't want to know the truth until it's staring me right in the eyes... I've been told to go away, never talk to them again. and yet still I find myself looking them up, looking at pictures of them.. Even though I've deleted everything of them and I'm trying to move on...
some part of me still cant let go... and it drives me crazy. To the point that I want to curl up in within myself and just... sob... until my heart either fully breaks or some how magically heals... it's always going to be broken now...
I know... some how without a shadow of a doubt... that there will never be another. My husband and him will be the only two that I have ever loves and that I will ever love. Because no one will ever be him...
I haven't told my husband... and I'm sure he wont even read my story anyways... but my novel I am writing... Remy is based off of him. It helps a little... to take the memories I have of him and to put him into a fictional character...
And who knows... maybe I will make the 50k goal by the end of November. maybe Veroth, he's my toons mate in Tera, (IRL he's a quadriplegic. still wonder what it was about me that made him trust me with that info... since very little people in the guild know about it) will help me edit the story...
Maybe I'll find an agent... and get published... *chuckles* how nice would that be... that in a way... he helped me get published.
I'll admit I do love writing that book... because I love playing a character that gets to touch him... see him... even if he is a dragon. *Grins* I always did think of him as a golden Dragon....
It's a little silly I know but I've thought about getting this gold dragon statue... it's really spendy but absolutly beautiful... and giving it the name "Arimar" ... he'd be my golden dragon reminder...
He's part of the reason why my toons often wear gold... as a sort of reminder to him... Yah... I'm an idiot... I know.
things have gotten much better with my husband and I... not that things are fantastic... but the marriage counselor... learning to better communicate with each other... he was taking some anti depressants... left over pills that my dad had. But it... prolongs orgasm... my dad told me that was why he was thinking about switching... o.0 who creepy is it to have your dad tell you about his sex life...
yah that was... a BIT odd. lol. anyways that is why Mike stopped taking them... truth be told even though it was the meds it did make me wonder if there was something wrong with me... BUT I swear I've gotten even better... erm... *cough* in bed.
been trying different... things... some work, some don't... and I've been loosing weight... a lot of it really... I guess riding a bike at work for patrols has really helped me slim down. I'm now a size 16... were I used to be a size 22. here is hoping that I just keep slimming down until I am a size 8! that'd be... awesome. Smexy Michi! *pose* lol.
even though I'm still the only one working... I've been getting 40 hours a week lately... which has helped finances... and as silly as it sounds.... I really want to have another baby. I really want a little girl. but it isn't possible right now. 1 because I'm on birth control pills... and 2. because we couldn't afford to survive if I got pregnant. even if I worked until the day I went into labor there would still be 3 months in which I couldn't work... we'd loose our apartment and then were would we be? a newborn baby and a mommy out on the streets?
I know... life has been getting better... I'm even holding a game night tom morrow. a bunch of friends will be coming over and we'll play some board games... laugh... chat... maybe watch a movie... it was pretty awesomely fun last time we did it.
and yet despite all this... I can't seem to stop... and just think about him once and a while... think about what an idiot I was... how many mistakes I made... how I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said anything. Maybe then he'd still be my friend... maybe then he wouldn't be avoiding me... blocking me and doing anything he can to make it impossible for me to ever see him again...
....
....
....
I'm such an idiot...
some part of me still cant let go... and it drives me crazy. To the point that I want to curl up in within myself and just... sob... until my heart either fully breaks or some how magically heals... it's always going to be broken now...
I know... some how without a shadow of a doubt... that there will never be another. My husband and him will be the only two that I have ever loves and that I will ever love. Because no one will ever be him...
I haven't told my husband... and I'm sure he wont even read my story anyways... but my novel I am writing... Remy is based off of him. It helps a little... to take the memories I have of him and to put him into a fictional character...
And who knows... maybe I will make the 50k goal by the end of November. maybe Veroth, he's my toons mate in Tera, (IRL he's a quadriplegic. still wonder what it was about me that made him trust me with that info... since very little people in the guild know about it) will help me edit the story...
Maybe I'll find an agent... and get published... *chuckles* how nice would that be... that in a way... he helped me get published.
I'll admit I do love writing that book... because I love playing a character that gets to touch him... see him... even if he is a dragon. *Grins* I always did think of him as a golden Dragon....
It's a little silly I know but I've thought about getting this gold dragon statue... it's really spendy but absolutly beautiful... and giving it the name "Arimar" ... he'd be my golden dragon reminder...
He's part of the reason why my toons often wear gold... as a sort of reminder to him... Yah... I'm an idiot... I know.
things have gotten much better with my husband and I... not that things are fantastic... but the marriage counselor... learning to better communicate with each other... he was taking some anti depressants... left over pills that my dad had. But it... prolongs orgasm... my dad told me that was why he was thinking about switching... o.0 who creepy is it to have your dad tell you about his sex life...
yah that was... a BIT odd. lol. anyways that is why Mike stopped taking them... truth be told even though it was the meds it did make me wonder if there was something wrong with me... BUT I swear I've gotten even better... erm... *cough* in bed.
been trying different... things... some work, some don't... and I've been loosing weight... a lot of it really... I guess riding a bike at work for patrols has really helped me slim down. I'm now a size 16... were I used to be a size 22. here is hoping that I just keep slimming down until I am a size 8! that'd be... awesome. Smexy Michi! *pose* lol.
even though I'm still the only one working... I've been getting 40 hours a week lately... which has helped finances... and as silly as it sounds.... I really want to have another baby. I really want a little girl. but it isn't possible right now. 1 because I'm on birth control pills... and 2. because we couldn't afford to survive if I got pregnant. even if I worked until the day I went into labor there would still be 3 months in which I couldn't work... we'd loose our apartment and then were would we be? a newborn baby and a mommy out on the streets?
I know... life has been getting better... I'm even holding a game night tom morrow. a bunch of friends will be coming over and we'll play some board games... laugh... chat... maybe watch a movie... it was pretty awesomely fun last time we did it.
and yet despite all this... I can't seem to stop... and just think about him once and a while... think about what an idiot I was... how many mistakes I made... how I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said anything. Maybe then he'd still be my friend... maybe then he wouldn't be avoiding me... blocking me and doing anything he can to make it impossible for me to ever see him again...
....
....
....
I'm such an idiot...
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Prayer
God... Please... Give me strength... The strength to either stay or leave my husband. The wisdom to make the right decision and the willpower to follow through. Please god what ever decision is chosen please lead me along the right path. Help me to know what to do or find the right people to ask for help.
Please keep my spirits high and don't let me fall into utter despair. Please give me the strength to wake up each day and to fight the urge to stay there and never leave. Please help me be a better parent to my son and show him that no matter what happens, I still love him.
Thank you for the friends I still have. And the ones I am making. Thank you for my family who will help me no matter what choice I make... God please, give me the humility to be able to ask for that help and to not feel ashamed.
Please lord... Heal my heart of the wounds and scares etched within it. Help me to forgive and forget so that I might be forgiven by other. Help me to forgive myself. Give me the strength to not dwell on the past, the what ifs of how things might have been.
Help me to become a stonger person... A better person... Someone I would not be ashamed to be. Help me to make the right decisions and to not fall into temptation. No matter how lonely I might be...
But most of all God... Help me.
Amen
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Maybe... Maybe
Once again I find myself within a dark room curled up under the covers... With soothing music playing and incense burning... What am I doing in here? I wonder... Why did I feel the need to retreat from the world?
Was it because of this awful day? ... I don't know
Maybe... Maybe I want to... Or should... Just give up. Give up on trying to be a good mother... Give up on being a friend... Or having friends. They don't seem to want me anyways... *sigh*
My marriage is in shambles. My love? ... I don't know... I will hurt... I will cry... If my marriage... Sorry... When my marriage ends. It's already too late to fix it... And I don't want to be around to see it further crumble and die...
What is there to even live for? ... A game isn't going to bring me any joy... Everything good in my life leaves me eventually... Leaves or rotts or crumbles to dust...
And once again... I'm alone...
In this dark room...
Never moving forward...
Never moving back.
Forever perpetually stuck in this dark room alone and trying to sooth my own tears... Because no one will comfort me. I try... I scream and crawl and tear at the ground till I'm bloody and tear stained and yet... I'm still here... Stuck forever in place while everyone else abandons me.
How funny that my biggest fear is to be alone and yet... I'm always alone? I live my own personal nightmare.
I can't be what they want me to be... I'm tired of fighting to change... To grow... To be better... When it never does anything... I'm no better person for my trials... For my experiences and my strougles? I'm not a better person... A stronger person... All I am is scared... Bleeding... And realizing even more than before that I'm still alone...
Friday, March 30, 2012
what am I?
I am a woman I suppose... but what kind of woman am I?
Am I the kind of woman that men will make romantic gestures too?
... no...
Am I the kind of woman that is worth fighting for?
... no...
am I the kind of woman worth keeping?
... no...
what kind of woman am I?
the convient kind.
the kind to use until you find something better.
the woman that gets left to raise her child bitter and alone.
I'm the kind of woman that was a romantic and reality bashed
all those dreams to smithereans when
I realized there is no such thing as a soul mate
there is no such thing as true love
there is no such thing as love forever
there is no such thing as a happily ever after... for anyone
no one will really ever love me...
no one will ever really care...
no one will ever be there for me... no matter how hard I try
no matter how often I am there for them
the second something or someone better comes along
more upbeat, more positive
more outgoing, more charismatic...
they'll all be gone...
and I'll be left alone...
Damn you life...
Damn you God...
Damn you husband...
for taking all of my dreams and crushing them...
for taking my heart and ripping it apart...
over... and over... and when I think
it's finally healed and all put back together again
you start destroying me all over again.
till there is nothing left of me...
till there is no reason to smile anymore
till there is no light in the world anymore.
Until all I want to do is curl up in mounds of pillows
and comforters and hug them close to me...
the only thing I could use to imagine someone cuddeling up with me
and making me think that some how... some day some one would love me...
just let me lie there and fall asleep...
and sleep...
and sleep...
...
till I never wake up and I can jsut live in my dreams
where I haven't become bitter...
where my heart isn't dead.
where I think that "this" is the best I'll ever get.
I can't even say that my son will love me forever...
I'm not the perfect mother.
I'm not the perfect wife.
I'm not the perfect person.
He'll grow up and realize what I am...
and want nothing to do with me...
he'll leave me as soon as he can...
and never look back...
and there I'll be... alone...
with a husband that's left me.
because I know he will... he's just waiting
for the right woman...
the woman worth fighting for...
the woman worth making a romantic gesture
the woman worth keeping...
Because that woman is not me.
Am I the kind of woman that men will make romantic gestures too?
... no...
Am I the kind of woman that is worth fighting for?
... no...
am I the kind of woman worth keeping?
... no...
what kind of woman am I?
the convient kind.
the kind to use until you find something better.
the woman that gets left to raise her child bitter and alone.
I'm the kind of woman that was a romantic and reality bashed
all those dreams to smithereans when
I realized there is no such thing as a soul mate
there is no such thing as true love
there is no such thing as love forever
there is no such thing as a happily ever after... for anyone
no one will really ever love me...
no one will ever really care...
no one will ever be there for me... no matter how hard I try
no matter how often I am there for them
the second something or someone better comes along
more upbeat, more positive
more outgoing, more charismatic...
they'll all be gone...
and I'll be left alone...
Damn you life...
Damn you God...
Damn you husband...
for taking all of my dreams and crushing them...
for taking my heart and ripping it apart...
over... and over... and when I think
it's finally healed and all put back together again
you start destroying me all over again.
till there is nothing left of me...
till there is no reason to smile anymore
till there is no light in the world anymore.
Until all I want to do is curl up in mounds of pillows
and comforters and hug them close to me...
the only thing I could use to imagine someone cuddeling up with me
and making me think that some how... some day some one would love me...
just let me lie there and fall asleep...
and sleep...
and sleep...
...
till I never wake up and I can jsut live in my dreams
where I haven't become bitter...
where my heart isn't dead.
where I think that "this" is the best I'll ever get.
I can't even say that my son will love me forever...
I'm not the perfect mother.
I'm not the perfect wife.
I'm not the perfect person.
He'll grow up and realize what I am...
and want nothing to do with me...
he'll leave me as soon as he can...
and never look back...
and there I'll be... alone...
with a husband that's left me.
because I know he will... he's just waiting
for the right woman...
the woman worth fighting for...
the woman worth making a romantic gesture
the woman worth keeping...
Because that woman is not me.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
sunny and warm
Today was a nice day. Sunny and warm and content. I woke up at 8:30 after having a long long sleep... as in I went to sleep around 7 or so... But seeing as I'd been up all night the day before with only a small nap until the little one woke up. That was just sleep to make up for the lack of sleep I'd had the night before. I did a few tai chi warm ups... not even the actual tai chi. just warm ups. It made me more determined now than ever to go take tai chi classes again. Either in college, a fitness area, or just purchasing the video's that bring you through each move.
When my son woke up I got him dressed and headed out the door where I ended up talking with one of my neighbors before heading out to the store. After purchasing what I needed I sat down at a subway and got a 6 inch italian bmt and I got Scott a personal veggi pizza. We both shared a little of each others meals. I laughed when a family near by started to chuckle as they watched Scott trying to eat. Yes he is adorable. I had a wonderful time and even though when I left the store and found out I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave for work... I didn't feel rushed. I knew I needed to hurry but I didn't rush.
I wasn't angry at Mike for being asleep all day and being awake all day... or for still not trying to get a job. I woke him up but only so that I could get ready for work while he put Scott to bed and laid back into bed himself. A little tiffed at that but not horribly annoyed... the sad thing in all this... is that I was happier without Mike.
When he's asleep or not involved in my day... I'm happier that he isn't there. I don't have to worry about watching my words or wondering if this was going to be the day that he is going to take insult to everything I say and blow up at me. I can't help but think... out of all the times that I've spent without him involved in my day... that I was happier without him around. If I had a career of my own so I wouldn't have to worry about my income half as much and Mike wasn't involved... I think I would be perfectly happy. how sad is that?
Oh sure there would be days that I would miss having someone in my everyday life... but I would also know what I wouldn't be missing. All those days of being made to feel like the worst thing in the world. Having my every action, every word and my very being be critically analized and critisized. As if nothing I ever do is right or acurate... or having some one there but ignoring me for a video game... having someone not willing to step away from a computer to spend time with you.
As sad as it is... I think it's about time for me to cut the cord and get on with my life. I should have never reopened that wound years ago... married him, and had his child... but Scott is not someone I regret. He is my little chubby monkey. Bringing laughter and smiles and sun shine.
I'm not so great about ending things though... and even though I think it's about time we just give up on this farce of a relationship I don't think it's time just yet... it's not so much horribly painful anymore... it's just... that I don't care anymore. I'm more worried about supporting Scott and myself than I am about trying to figure out how to live without Mike. The only thing I'm going to miss right now is him cooking food, and having a free babysitter, and his small bit of extra income. And since pretty soon he's about to loose his unemployment there wont be anything extra in that. I wonder if there are programs out there to help single parents?
Wow even though I was so happy just a moment ago... it does make me sad to addmit that this relationship is dead... there is no saving it. Even though Mike says he's going to try and fix himself, to stop yelling at me so much and critisizing my every move and refusing to change his mind once he's decided he wants something or is going to do something.
Honestly I just wish he's realize the relationship is over and move back to Florida with his friends... maybe his mom would be willing to help him with that. Probably will need to take a plane ride back to Florida... possibly have his computer shipped to his friend D's house. We'll probably stay friends... because even now we're still friends... but friendship isn't going to keep this going much longer. I don't want him to hate me... and both of us ave brought this up... that we're just not working well together.
Maybe I wont ever work well with another... and that's okay. I lived before just fine being single... and I can do it again. and there are things I can do for when ever I need a little extra when Scott's asleep. Scott fills most of my days now and without Mike in my life I wont be stuck in the apartment half as much... since when ever he is awake he spends all of his time and days behind the computer screen playing video games. Right now it's World of Warcraft. tommorrow it might be Diablo 3, or Tera... or any other kinds of video games... There is a chance that Mike will take the 360 with him when he leaves... I don't think so though since his friend D already has one.
But it is a possibility. I've been as paitient as I possibly can be with Mike... with his boughts of depression and anger... with his lack of doing anything around the house and his lackluster attempts at getting a job. I didn't take as much time as he has being unemployed. And part of that was because I was pregnant and unable to work due to the doctors orders... Yes Mike's excuse is because we lived in the middle of nowhere... well we're up to three months at our apartment and he still hasn't gotten a job. He could have walked or driven to a number of different jobs in the area and he hasn't. He hasn't even tried. He's not even worried now claiming that he'll get money from cash assistance and renters assistance... all of that is going to take time... and why isn't he trying to apply for that now instead of waiting until the very last minute?
Actually I should send him a message right now and ask him to look into it and if possible apply for it so that it will be there when he does finally loose his unemployment... and yes... as I said. I am planning on ending it... I just don't know when the right time will be... I've prayed and prayed and prayed... and as much as I hate it... I think... I could be wrong... but it seems like everything is pointing at us to split up... Even my dreams tell me that I'll be happier without him in my life.
How sad is that?
When my son woke up I got him dressed and headed out the door where I ended up talking with one of my neighbors before heading out to the store. After purchasing what I needed I sat down at a subway and got a 6 inch italian bmt and I got Scott a personal veggi pizza. We both shared a little of each others meals. I laughed when a family near by started to chuckle as they watched Scott trying to eat. Yes he is adorable. I had a wonderful time and even though when I left the store and found out I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave for work... I didn't feel rushed. I knew I needed to hurry but I didn't rush.
I wasn't angry at Mike for being asleep all day and being awake all day... or for still not trying to get a job. I woke him up but only so that I could get ready for work while he put Scott to bed and laid back into bed himself. A little tiffed at that but not horribly annoyed... the sad thing in all this... is that I was happier without Mike.
When he's asleep or not involved in my day... I'm happier that he isn't there. I don't have to worry about watching my words or wondering if this was going to be the day that he is going to take insult to everything I say and blow up at me. I can't help but think... out of all the times that I've spent without him involved in my day... that I was happier without him around. If I had a career of my own so I wouldn't have to worry about my income half as much and Mike wasn't involved... I think I would be perfectly happy. how sad is that?
Oh sure there would be days that I would miss having someone in my everyday life... but I would also know what I wouldn't be missing. All those days of being made to feel like the worst thing in the world. Having my every action, every word and my very being be critically analized and critisized. As if nothing I ever do is right or acurate... or having some one there but ignoring me for a video game... having someone not willing to step away from a computer to spend time with you.
As sad as it is... I think it's about time for me to cut the cord and get on with my life. I should have never reopened that wound years ago... married him, and had his child... but Scott is not someone I regret. He is my little chubby monkey. Bringing laughter and smiles and sun shine.
I'm not so great about ending things though... and even though I think it's about time we just give up on this farce of a relationship I don't think it's time just yet... it's not so much horribly painful anymore... it's just... that I don't care anymore. I'm more worried about supporting Scott and myself than I am about trying to figure out how to live without Mike. The only thing I'm going to miss right now is him cooking food, and having a free babysitter, and his small bit of extra income. And since pretty soon he's about to loose his unemployment there wont be anything extra in that. I wonder if there are programs out there to help single parents?
Wow even though I was so happy just a moment ago... it does make me sad to addmit that this relationship is dead... there is no saving it. Even though Mike says he's going to try and fix himself, to stop yelling at me so much and critisizing my every move and refusing to change his mind once he's decided he wants something or is going to do something.
Honestly I just wish he's realize the relationship is over and move back to Florida with his friends... maybe his mom would be willing to help him with that. Probably will need to take a plane ride back to Florida... possibly have his computer shipped to his friend D's house. We'll probably stay friends... because even now we're still friends... but friendship isn't going to keep this going much longer. I don't want him to hate me... and both of us ave brought this up... that we're just not working well together.
Maybe I wont ever work well with another... and that's okay. I lived before just fine being single... and I can do it again. and there are things I can do for when ever I need a little extra when Scott's asleep. Scott fills most of my days now and without Mike in my life I wont be stuck in the apartment half as much... since when ever he is awake he spends all of his time and days behind the computer screen playing video games. Right now it's World of Warcraft. tommorrow it might be Diablo 3, or Tera... or any other kinds of video games... There is a chance that Mike will take the 360 with him when he leaves... I don't think so though since his friend D already has one.
But it is a possibility. I've been as paitient as I possibly can be with Mike... with his boughts of depression and anger... with his lack of doing anything around the house and his lackluster attempts at getting a job. I didn't take as much time as he has being unemployed. And part of that was because I was pregnant and unable to work due to the doctors orders... Yes Mike's excuse is because we lived in the middle of nowhere... well we're up to three months at our apartment and he still hasn't gotten a job. He could have walked or driven to a number of different jobs in the area and he hasn't. He hasn't even tried. He's not even worried now claiming that he'll get money from cash assistance and renters assistance... all of that is going to take time... and why isn't he trying to apply for that now instead of waiting until the very last minute?
Actually I should send him a message right now and ask him to look into it and if possible apply for it so that it will be there when he does finally loose his unemployment... and yes... as I said. I am planning on ending it... I just don't know when the right time will be... I've prayed and prayed and prayed... and as much as I hate it... I think... I could be wrong... but it seems like everything is pointing at us to split up... Even my dreams tell me that I'll be happier without him in my life.
How sad is that?
Thursday, March 22, 2012
failed suicide attempts are expensive
Starting out this post with a bit of confusion (yay!) my husband's friend D, who still lives in Florida, has a girlfriend named Sammy. I've been getting to know her via World of Warcraft. The poor girl has a 5 year old son whom she lost when she went through her first bought of cancer. Because of all the drugs she had to go through for her Cancer treatments they labeled her an unfit parent and took her son away from her. she's had to fight cancer twice now.
She's very devoted to her boyfriend and he seems to be agrivated with her. I know where she is coming with as my husband and D are very similar in some regards. She's currently in a lot of pain and add to that her stressful situation with her boyfriend and living situation and I understand the depression she is going through. and I told her as much on facebook. but... her current issue's brought to the fore memories of when I lived in Florida... in that backroom of my father in law's douplex... little better than a closet... our matress on the floor barely fit in the room. and we were forced to share the room with these giant peices of furniture that were completly useless to us. and thanks to the pot heads that lived in the living room on the sleeper couch (Which they almost always had out and took up almost the entire living room with.) They played music and watched tv with the sound turned up all the way at all times of the day and night. I would ask them to turn it down and instead they would turn it up even more. Then I'm allergic to ciggerette smoke... I have coughing attacks and get dizzy and light headed when I have to inhale the stuff. They would NEVER smoke it outside or leave a bloody window or door open.
*deep breath* then there was also Art... he at least smoked outside... but that was about it. He stole from us. used our shit all the time as if it was his. left half finished plates of food out littered all over the place for the roaches to get to. he would never take care of my father in laws dog... oh right... and the dog. I can't STAND living with dogs! ... maybe it's only because I have yet to live in a house with an actually BEHAVED dog. one with training and obedience... and the knowledge to not poop or pee inside the house. I don't like dogs. sorry... I just... DON'T. they want more attention than I can give them. It's why I prefer cats. They need less attention and they are so much better behaved when it comes to peeing or pooping in a kitty litter box.
anyways... getting off subject.
I know I'm in a bad place when I wish that I hadn't failed at committing suicide. Also that's the reason there is a hole in the backroom where I'd used to live. When Mike woke up realizing there was something wrong and I wasn't telling him he got so angry that he punched a hole in the wall... that scared me into telling him what I'd done. Taken a bottle of sleeping pills (I still wish I'd taken the entire bottle sometimes.) when he took me to the hospital he and the people there tried to keep me awake as they tested my blood to see if I'd be okay... saddly I hadn't taken enough pills to kill myself. (God damn it!) they constantly asked me if I'd tried to kill myself... I was so embaresed I didn't want to admit that I had... but I had... I'd taken them with full intention of falling asleep and never waking up again...
At the time I'd slept more than 12 hours a day... and when I was awake I just stared at the ceiling wishing I'd die... and other times I would wish that I could cut Kenny and Tina's throats while they slept... because then I wouldn't be harrassed by them anymore and wouldn't be in that stressfull living situation... of course then my mind would remind me that I would get found out and go to jail and that would be a MUCH more stressful living situation. I would think through everything before I decided to do anything... it's why as a child I never ran away from home though I'd wanted to on several occasions. I would think about all the possible scenario's and how it wouldn't be a good idea and so I would nix that idea.
Well I had also thought fully into suicide... falling asleep and never waking up would be painless and I wouldn't go through constant strougle and fight for life anymore... this pointless strougle to live... there isn't even almost enough reasons to strougle to live... *sigh* I still think that now sometimes... with my husband still not having a job... and his unemployment running out at the end of the month. There really aren't very many people who would miss my passing. If I could make it look like an accident and not suicide my parents would get money from my life insurance. they'd give some to my husband. and... well everyone would be better off if I was dead. It might be that my son would get taken into child protective services if I died because my husband has no job and no where to keep Scott.
If it got to that point I know that Jamie and my parents would try to find a way for one of them to become Scott's legal guardians so that he wouldn't get taken away from their lives entirely. Getting pregnant was part of the reason I had tried to stop killing myself because I wasn't going to murder my child even if it meant getting me out of my own personal hell.
I guess I'm seriously messed up... I was diagnosed by a physician once... some one had been worried about me and florida state services sent by a professional with his assistant and they sat down outside and talked with me about how I'd been feeling... if I'd been wanting to kill anyone else... my son... or myself... and at the end they told me that I wasn't a danger to anyone else so they couldn't force me to go to the physce ward but they highly suggested that I go in... I'd be there for at least 3 days... I still regret not going... because maybe they could have helped... but I didn't want to leave my husband home alone with our newborn son while I went to the hospital to seek help...
Maybe when Mike gets a job... I should go into the hospital and check myself in... *deep sigh* ... I still really need help... because... I really wish I was dead. I'm not so far along that I want to actually kill myself... but last night I thought about how funny it would be that after my sister went through Intercranial hypertension... (She still does it's incurable) that I would have a brain tumor and die of it... part of the reason I don't really try very hard to get myself to see a doctor is because... I don't care if I die. I don't care if I have a brain tumor and die... in fact I WISH I DID have a brain tumor... or some other incurable disease...
My husband is desperatly afraid of death... so he never likes hearing me talk to him about my depression or wish for death... he doesn't understand it or how to help me with it... he just wants to ignore it and pretend that it'll go away... sadly it doesn't go away... at times it calms down but it's still always there...
*sigh* ... yes... I still wish I was dead... sometimes my wish is stronger than others... and some nights I pray to god and beg him to kill me... or that I was never alive... because honestly... I see no reason for why I am alive. I don't see how I am remotely important or how me being alive is helpful... there are so many people out there that want to be alive and want to live... why can't I some how give up my life to give them their wish and they could give me mine...
it just isn't fair.
She's very devoted to her boyfriend and he seems to be agrivated with her. I know where she is coming with as my husband and D are very similar in some regards. She's currently in a lot of pain and add to that her stressful situation with her boyfriend and living situation and I understand the depression she is going through. and I told her as much on facebook. but... her current issue's brought to the fore memories of when I lived in Florida... in that backroom of my father in law's douplex... little better than a closet... our matress on the floor barely fit in the room. and we were forced to share the room with these giant peices of furniture that were completly useless to us. and thanks to the pot heads that lived in the living room on the sleeper couch (Which they almost always had out and took up almost the entire living room with.) They played music and watched tv with the sound turned up all the way at all times of the day and night. I would ask them to turn it down and instead they would turn it up even more. Then I'm allergic to ciggerette smoke... I have coughing attacks and get dizzy and light headed when I have to inhale the stuff. They would NEVER smoke it outside or leave a bloody window or door open.
*deep breath* then there was also Art... he at least smoked outside... but that was about it. He stole from us. used our shit all the time as if it was his. left half finished plates of food out littered all over the place for the roaches to get to. he would never take care of my father in laws dog... oh right... and the dog. I can't STAND living with dogs! ... maybe it's only because I have yet to live in a house with an actually BEHAVED dog. one with training and obedience... and the knowledge to not poop or pee inside the house. I don't like dogs. sorry... I just... DON'T. they want more attention than I can give them. It's why I prefer cats. They need less attention and they are so much better behaved when it comes to peeing or pooping in a kitty litter box.
anyways... getting off subject.
I know I'm in a bad place when I wish that I hadn't failed at committing suicide. Also that's the reason there is a hole in the backroom where I'd used to live. When Mike woke up realizing there was something wrong and I wasn't telling him he got so angry that he punched a hole in the wall... that scared me into telling him what I'd done. Taken a bottle of sleeping pills (I still wish I'd taken the entire bottle sometimes.) when he took me to the hospital he and the people there tried to keep me awake as they tested my blood to see if I'd be okay... saddly I hadn't taken enough pills to kill myself. (God damn it!) they constantly asked me if I'd tried to kill myself... I was so embaresed I didn't want to admit that I had... but I had... I'd taken them with full intention of falling asleep and never waking up again...
At the time I'd slept more than 12 hours a day... and when I was awake I just stared at the ceiling wishing I'd die... and other times I would wish that I could cut Kenny and Tina's throats while they slept... because then I wouldn't be harrassed by them anymore and wouldn't be in that stressfull living situation... of course then my mind would remind me that I would get found out and go to jail and that would be a MUCH more stressful living situation. I would think through everything before I decided to do anything... it's why as a child I never ran away from home though I'd wanted to on several occasions. I would think about all the possible scenario's and how it wouldn't be a good idea and so I would nix that idea.
Well I had also thought fully into suicide... falling asleep and never waking up would be painless and I wouldn't go through constant strougle and fight for life anymore... this pointless strougle to live... there isn't even almost enough reasons to strougle to live... *sigh* I still think that now sometimes... with my husband still not having a job... and his unemployment running out at the end of the month. There really aren't very many people who would miss my passing. If I could make it look like an accident and not suicide my parents would get money from my life insurance. they'd give some to my husband. and... well everyone would be better off if I was dead. It might be that my son would get taken into child protective services if I died because my husband has no job and no where to keep Scott.
If it got to that point I know that Jamie and my parents would try to find a way for one of them to become Scott's legal guardians so that he wouldn't get taken away from their lives entirely. Getting pregnant was part of the reason I had tried to stop killing myself because I wasn't going to murder my child even if it meant getting me out of my own personal hell.
I guess I'm seriously messed up... I was diagnosed by a physician once... some one had been worried about me and florida state services sent by a professional with his assistant and they sat down outside and talked with me about how I'd been feeling... if I'd been wanting to kill anyone else... my son... or myself... and at the end they told me that I wasn't a danger to anyone else so they couldn't force me to go to the physce ward but they highly suggested that I go in... I'd be there for at least 3 days... I still regret not going... because maybe they could have helped... but I didn't want to leave my husband home alone with our newborn son while I went to the hospital to seek help...
Maybe when Mike gets a job... I should go into the hospital and check myself in... *deep sigh* ... I still really need help... because... I really wish I was dead. I'm not so far along that I want to actually kill myself... but last night I thought about how funny it would be that after my sister went through Intercranial hypertension... (She still does it's incurable) that I would have a brain tumor and die of it... part of the reason I don't really try very hard to get myself to see a doctor is because... I don't care if I die. I don't care if I have a brain tumor and die... in fact I WISH I DID have a brain tumor... or some other incurable disease...
My husband is desperatly afraid of death... so he never likes hearing me talk to him about my depression or wish for death... he doesn't understand it or how to help me with it... he just wants to ignore it and pretend that it'll go away... sadly it doesn't go away... at times it calms down but it's still always there...
*sigh* ... yes... I still wish I was dead... sometimes my wish is stronger than others... and some nights I pray to god and beg him to kill me... or that I was never alive... because honestly... I see no reason for why I am alive. I don't see how I am remotely important or how me being alive is helpful... there are so many people out there that want to be alive and want to live... why can't I some how give up my life to give them their wish and they could give me mine...
it just isn't fair.
Venting thrusters GO!
Good lord I just need a good cursing time here... yes... now that I think about it there really needs to be a word 10 times better than fuck... but for now... let me just say... FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
God FUCKING DAMNIT TO HELL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! *deep breath*
damn... helpful and not helpful all at the same time... Oh well at least it was something I guess. *sigh*
to coin a phrase from my facebook post "ever feel like your heart is breaking? It seems so much worse than having your heart broken. Becuase the worst part is over and you just need to pick up the peices. But during the process it can be dragged out months ... even years! It's like having a bandaid be pulled off very very slowly or having someone cut your arm off with a dull blade... and all of which dragged out to make the pain all that much worse.
Why can't my heart be broken already so I can work on fixing it?" not word for word what I posted because I dumbed it down for family on fb who read my posts. Not many I'll grant you but there are a few.
Truth be told... the overall... happyness... in my life is never going to get better. My sister still pretty much wants nothing to do with me for reasons unknown. My husband every days shows me how much he just doesn't give a fuck about me. I'm not worth his thoughts, or consideration or worth spending money on... I'm just someone he can use. a tool to use... chattel.
I remembered back when we had our argument about valentines and Mike out right didn't want to get me ANYTHING and he argued vehmently against getting me anything for valentines day and fed me some bull shit about not doing it because it's a hallmark started holliday. he eventually did get me something but he made it such a huge deal... of course now he doesn't want to admit to being such a douche.
conversation on guild chat brought that painful memory up. well the day just continued to go to hell as the day went on... one of the worst moments was when we had gotten back from the store and I was trying to help him put groceries away... he yelled at me telling me that I was making everything worse and to go away. I defended myself by getting angry... but now that the anger has faded it's just trembling pain... he told me I had to cook dinner while he went out to get the soda's that we had forgotten.
He came back with the soda's and nothing else. I told him that he'd had the perfect oppertunity to get me something to make up for his actions. He gave me some bullshit excuse about the store being busy so he didn't want to spend a lot of time there... God... I feel so stupid... when I heard him come home I tried not to look thinking he'd have gotten me flowers or chocolates to help cheer me up and I wanted to be angry at him just a little longer... but as I turned around I found that he had nothing... just the soda's... My heart drooped... my head drooped... I felt like such an idiot and felt so... unloved...
When will I stop caring? When will the hurtful things he does no longer break my heart? it's like every day he rips my heart apart a little more... I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it back together a second time... let along ever trust another man with my heart... I know my son is going to break my heart once he gets old enough as well... and some day he'll leave me and forget about me and I can go walk into traffic and finally die...
Stupid game WOW has just been giving me something to focus my attention on... something to take my mind off of Mike and this crappy marriage. this god awful peice of shit thing we call a relationship... I've decided... that it doesn't matter what I look like. "I" can NOT have a relationship... I can't have good close friendships... I can't have a good healthy marriage. and I'll probably suck as a mother as well... *sigh* but at least in the mean time I am enjoying all the love and attention I am getting from my son. It's more than I ever get from my husband.
and even now... to this day... he gives me excuses for why he's being a dick... "I forgot" or "I wasn't thinking" ... you know what that says to me when you "forget" or "don't think" when it comes to decisions that involve me? It's you telling me that I didn't warrent your attention or thought process.
Hell I'm still angry about tuesday night when I had TOLD him that after we quit dragon soul 10 men raid that I wanted to take a shower, eat some soup and go to bed... instead he bully's me into doing some runs of hour of the twilight... when I told him I didn't want to do it he started bitching about me to everyone on mumble until I gave in and said yes to make him shut up. later on when I told him how angry I was at him for bullying me into doing that against my will he says "I didn't know. I didn't hear you" of course you didn't HEAR me say NO when you started to bitch me out in front of our friends on guild chat? NOoooo you didn't hear jack SHIT! GOD!
I keep wanting to think that things are going to get better... but honestly... how?
God FUCKING DAMNIT TO HELL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! *deep breath*
damn... helpful and not helpful all at the same time... Oh well at least it was something I guess. *sigh*
to coin a phrase from my facebook post "ever feel like your heart is breaking? It seems so much worse than having your heart broken. Becuase the worst part is over and you just need to pick up the peices. But during the process it can be dragged out months ... even years! It's like having a bandaid be pulled off very very slowly or having someone cut your arm off with a dull blade... and all of which dragged out to make the pain all that much worse.
Why can't my heart be broken already so I can work on fixing it?" not word for word what I posted because I dumbed it down for family on fb who read my posts. Not many I'll grant you but there are a few.
Truth be told... the overall... happyness... in my life is never going to get better. My sister still pretty much wants nothing to do with me for reasons unknown. My husband every days shows me how much he just doesn't give a fuck about me. I'm not worth his thoughts, or consideration or worth spending money on... I'm just someone he can use. a tool to use... chattel.
I remembered back when we had our argument about valentines and Mike out right didn't want to get me ANYTHING and he argued vehmently against getting me anything for valentines day and fed me some bull shit about not doing it because it's a hallmark started holliday. he eventually did get me something but he made it such a huge deal... of course now he doesn't want to admit to being such a douche.
conversation on guild chat brought that painful memory up. well the day just continued to go to hell as the day went on... one of the worst moments was when we had gotten back from the store and I was trying to help him put groceries away... he yelled at me telling me that I was making everything worse and to go away. I defended myself by getting angry... but now that the anger has faded it's just trembling pain... he told me I had to cook dinner while he went out to get the soda's that we had forgotten.
He came back with the soda's and nothing else. I told him that he'd had the perfect oppertunity to get me something to make up for his actions. He gave me some bullshit excuse about the store being busy so he didn't want to spend a lot of time there... God... I feel so stupid... when I heard him come home I tried not to look thinking he'd have gotten me flowers or chocolates to help cheer me up and I wanted to be angry at him just a little longer... but as I turned around I found that he had nothing... just the soda's... My heart drooped... my head drooped... I felt like such an idiot and felt so... unloved...
When will I stop caring? When will the hurtful things he does no longer break my heart? it's like every day he rips my heart apart a little more... I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it back together a second time... let along ever trust another man with my heart... I know my son is going to break my heart once he gets old enough as well... and some day he'll leave me and forget about me and I can go walk into traffic and finally die...
Stupid game WOW has just been giving me something to focus my attention on... something to take my mind off of Mike and this crappy marriage. this god awful peice of shit thing we call a relationship... I've decided... that it doesn't matter what I look like. "I" can NOT have a relationship... I can't have good close friendships... I can't have a good healthy marriage. and I'll probably suck as a mother as well... *sigh* but at least in the mean time I am enjoying all the love and attention I am getting from my son. It's more than I ever get from my husband.
and even now... to this day... he gives me excuses for why he's being a dick... "I forgot" or "I wasn't thinking" ... you know what that says to me when you "forget" or "don't think" when it comes to decisions that involve me? It's you telling me that I didn't warrent your attention or thought process.
Hell I'm still angry about tuesday night when I had TOLD him that after we quit dragon soul 10 men raid that I wanted to take a shower, eat some soup and go to bed... instead he bully's me into doing some runs of hour of the twilight... when I told him I didn't want to do it he started bitching about me to everyone on mumble until I gave in and said yes to make him shut up. later on when I told him how angry I was at him for bullying me into doing that against my will he says "I didn't know. I didn't hear you" of course you didn't HEAR me say NO when you started to bitch me out in front of our friends on guild chat? NOoooo you didn't hear jack SHIT! GOD!
I keep wanting to think that things are going to get better... but honestly... how?
Friday, February 24, 2012
need to vent
Thanks to... god I don't know what. I can't complain about my husbands actions on facebook for everyone to see... well I think they SHOULD! He's been nothing but an outright bully! He feels like he is a looser (check!) but you want to know why he is a loser? Because all he does is whine and complain and feel sorry for himself while punishing me for some stupid insignificant slight because he is feeling bad for himself.
Yesterday I was on wow talking to my friend and I had mentioned that I had to practically beg mike to get the baby gate with the latching gate in it so that I would stop tripping and falling on my face because I'm so short. I had to give up 20$ of my spending to convince him to let us buy it... the dick. And some how things spiraled... until I got to the point were I decided to talk about something else... I couldn't talk about mike and the things he's been doing to me without crying... but since I couldn't get myself to stop thinking about it I got offline. I was sad but not crying until he got home... and I couldn't help it when I started crying. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to say... for numerous reasons. I didn't want to make him feel bad... it would have made me cry harder... when I'm crying it's hard to speak.
Finally I thought maybe we can do a small impromptu romantic desert to help things along a little. So I went out and get the soy sauce and banana's he'd forgotten plus three whisks to whisk the chocolate fondue and I bought him some gorgeous roses...
Non of which he was remotly thankful for... his response to the roses was "oh that's nice... but you know I'm not big on roses." I guess it's my same response when he gives me a potted plant... it's like here are some flowers "but you got to work on em because I wont ever take care of them jut like I never take care of you" ...
Any ways when I finally finish making the fondue mike is super busy playing a raid... yes a raid... he knew I was making the fondue but he thought "hey I've got time. lets do this 25 man raid!" which of course took a half hour to finish after I had finished making everything... I swear he did that to be cruel and insensitive on purpose...
anyways we get to the fondue and all he does is complain about this and that. I'd rather have the cheese fondue. this chocolate fondue isn't that great. You know I don't care for chocolate that much. (Actually NO I DIDN'T!!! you fucking ass hole!) of course your really don't care for much of anything I try to do for you... Like cooking all the meals the past two days. I almost always cook the breakfast... partly because he sleeps in until 2 in the afternoon...
anyways he's complaining about the movie I chose so I was like fine "click" turned it off... and I couldn't help but mention that he had been complaining about everything... and he's like "no I'm not. You're the one being nothing but negative." o.O the hell? he says he has dreams and he only just realized that he'll never be able to achieve them. and of course he blames everyone else for the fact that he never got off his fat ass and tried to go to college... nope. some how it's my fault (even though he didn't know me then) and his fathers fault. oh and hell it's his mom's fault for not being around at the time even though she couldn't find him.
I told him that I had dreams too and he shot me down instantly with "oh but you can do your dreams" and I pointed out that those weren't all of my dreams. I gave up my dream of going to japan when I met Mike and then I had also discovered you had to be within a certain weight and size to even live there so that made things even easier to let go. and he said my waist was just fine and I told him no. "I was fat fat fat." and he slammed his fist onto the table (before this I had just been down because he was complaining about everything but at this point I went from shock to tears as he started to lay into me) he started yelling at me that I hadn't worked out once since the day we had moved into the apartment (bullshit by the way) and... you know I don't remember much after that as it was just him yelling and screaming at me and I was lost in a sea of tears.
I got up and got some tissue's to blow my nose... and all this time he is still yelling and screaming at me... and all I did was cry and sob. I thought... there is no way we are going to have a "date" night if it is going to be anything like this was... finally I couldn't take standing there and taking more of his crap so I went to the bedroom to sob... and with my developing cold/bug (which is in full effect now) my sobs were fixed with wracks of coughing... after a LONG period of time he came in to rub my back... and I told him that if tonight was any indicator that we shouldn't have the date night. Because at this point our marriage is basically broken to pieces...
He refuses to be wrong... he has to find excuses for everything... he can't just admit that he was in the wrong and appologize... instead to blamed everything that was happening on me. "I" was being too negative! "I" had done the desert against what HE wanted. so OF COURSE I should be yelled at and made to be the beat up doll. he yelled at me some more when I told him about the date... driving me out of the room until I finally made it to the bathroom vomiting in the toilet because I was coughing and sobbing so much... and it was there that I found myself trapped in the corner were he continued to yell at me... I just stood there and sobbed... does he not see how much of a FUCKING BULLY he is?!
GOD! there is no fixing this! I've tried SO HARD to put up with this. to forgive him to try and make things work. To try and love him again... but at every turn he makes all my attempts mute because he just doesn't want to make it work anymore.
And now here I am... sick as balls stuck in bed with a cold a fever a wracking cough that comes from my lungs... and the only thing he did to help me... was to bring the humidifyer in... even though I was about to do it myself so "BIG HELP THERE DICK!" He is currently taking a nap on the couch... I am about ready to go out and get myself some day and night cold medicine and some soup and cook myself up some food... because I'm obviously not going to get any help from my "husband" ...
don't know how much longer that will be... I gave myself a time period... that he doesn't know about... that if I don't see an obvious difference in his attitude and treatment of me... that I am going to kick him out. I think it was the end of April... there is no point telling him about the date... because a week before he will try to make an obvious change but as soon as the date comes and goes he will be back to his verbally abusive ways...
God... please give me strength... to do what I have to do... I prayed for this marriage to work... to be fixed and I have tried to fix it... tried to be more understanding and forgiving... tried to give him the things he wanted... all of which not enough... and in all of this I am still miserable and crying and hurt and alone... I don't know what to do... I don't even know how we are going to go about getting this done... I want a divorce and I want to pretend I had never married this horrible abusive man... maybe with any luck his son will be NOTHING like him!
Yesterday I was on wow talking to my friend and I had mentioned that I had to practically beg mike to get the baby gate with the latching gate in it so that I would stop tripping and falling on my face because I'm so short. I had to give up 20$ of my spending to convince him to let us buy it... the dick. And some how things spiraled... until I got to the point were I decided to talk about something else... I couldn't talk about mike and the things he's been doing to me without crying... but since I couldn't get myself to stop thinking about it I got offline. I was sad but not crying until he got home... and I couldn't help it when I started crying. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to say... for numerous reasons. I didn't want to make him feel bad... it would have made me cry harder... when I'm crying it's hard to speak.
Finally I thought maybe we can do a small impromptu romantic desert to help things along a little. So I went out and get the soy sauce and banana's he'd forgotten plus three whisks to whisk the chocolate fondue and I bought him some gorgeous roses...
Non of which he was remotly thankful for... his response to the roses was "oh that's nice... but you know I'm not big on roses." I guess it's my same response when he gives me a potted plant... it's like here are some flowers "but you got to work on em because I wont ever take care of them jut like I never take care of you" ...
Any ways when I finally finish making the fondue mike is super busy playing a raid... yes a raid... he knew I was making the fondue but he thought "hey I've got time. lets do this 25 man raid!" which of course took a half hour to finish after I had finished making everything... I swear he did that to be cruel and insensitive on purpose...
anyways we get to the fondue and all he does is complain about this and that. I'd rather have the cheese fondue. this chocolate fondue isn't that great. You know I don't care for chocolate that much. (Actually NO I DIDN'T!!! you fucking ass hole!) of course your really don't care for much of anything I try to do for you... Like cooking all the meals the past two days. I almost always cook the breakfast... partly because he sleeps in until 2 in the afternoon...
anyways he's complaining about the movie I chose so I was like fine "click" turned it off... and I couldn't help but mention that he had been complaining about everything... and he's like "no I'm not. You're the one being nothing but negative." o.O the hell? he says he has dreams and he only just realized that he'll never be able to achieve them. and of course he blames everyone else for the fact that he never got off his fat ass and tried to go to college... nope. some how it's my fault (even though he didn't know me then) and his fathers fault. oh and hell it's his mom's fault for not being around at the time even though she couldn't find him.
I told him that I had dreams too and he shot me down instantly with "oh but you can do your dreams" and I pointed out that those weren't all of my dreams. I gave up my dream of going to japan when I met Mike and then I had also discovered you had to be within a certain weight and size to even live there so that made things even easier to let go. and he said my waist was just fine and I told him no. "I was fat fat fat." and he slammed his fist onto the table (before this I had just been down because he was complaining about everything but at this point I went from shock to tears as he started to lay into me) he started yelling at me that I hadn't worked out once since the day we had moved into the apartment (bullshit by the way) and... you know I don't remember much after that as it was just him yelling and screaming at me and I was lost in a sea of tears.
I got up and got some tissue's to blow my nose... and all this time he is still yelling and screaming at me... and all I did was cry and sob. I thought... there is no way we are going to have a "date" night if it is going to be anything like this was... finally I couldn't take standing there and taking more of his crap so I went to the bedroom to sob... and with my developing cold/bug (which is in full effect now) my sobs were fixed with wracks of coughing... after a LONG period of time he came in to rub my back... and I told him that if tonight was any indicator that we shouldn't have the date night. Because at this point our marriage is basically broken to pieces...
He refuses to be wrong... he has to find excuses for everything... he can't just admit that he was in the wrong and appologize... instead to blamed everything that was happening on me. "I" was being too negative! "I" had done the desert against what HE wanted. so OF COURSE I should be yelled at and made to be the beat up doll. he yelled at me some more when I told him about the date... driving me out of the room until I finally made it to the bathroom vomiting in the toilet because I was coughing and sobbing so much... and it was there that I found myself trapped in the corner were he continued to yell at me... I just stood there and sobbed... does he not see how much of a FUCKING BULLY he is?!
GOD! there is no fixing this! I've tried SO HARD to put up with this. to forgive him to try and make things work. To try and love him again... but at every turn he makes all my attempts mute because he just doesn't want to make it work anymore.
And now here I am... sick as balls stuck in bed with a cold a fever a wracking cough that comes from my lungs... and the only thing he did to help me... was to bring the humidifyer in... even though I was about to do it myself so "BIG HELP THERE DICK!" He is currently taking a nap on the couch... I am about ready to go out and get myself some day and night cold medicine and some soup and cook myself up some food... because I'm obviously not going to get any help from my "husband" ...
don't know how much longer that will be... I gave myself a time period... that he doesn't know about... that if I don't see an obvious difference in his attitude and treatment of me... that I am going to kick him out. I think it was the end of April... there is no point telling him about the date... because a week before he will try to make an obvious change but as soon as the date comes and goes he will be back to his verbally abusive ways...
God... please give me strength... to do what I have to do... I prayed for this marriage to work... to be fixed and I have tried to fix it... tried to be more understanding and forgiving... tried to give him the things he wanted... all of which not enough... and in all of this I am still miserable and crying and hurt and alone... I don't know what to do... I don't even know how we are going to go about getting this done... I want a divorce and I want to pretend I had never married this horrible abusive man... maybe with any luck his son will be NOTHING like him!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
lost
my heart aches... and I am filled with feelings of sadness and hopelessness...
What do I do? ... I'm so lost and confused.
My husband has left me... and in his place is replaced with a child.
With all the selfishness of a child, uncaring for those he hurts and only concerned in there here and now.
Wanting only what will make him happy while leaving excuses for the things he does.
Everything will be normal when...
I'm this way because of this...
instead of doing he talks and whines and complains and explains that he is the way he is because... Sometimes he claims it's something I did but when I ask for specifics he tells me he can't remember.
What do I do with this child that I had thought a man?
Was he really ever an adult or did he just trick me with his acting and lies.
Even now I can't fully trust him...
He still seeks to fullfill himself with games and toys while he ignores the rest of the world.
Like a child he points at his small acomplishments and demands praise
while he sits lazilly back in his toys and complains that the world is not fair
and that is why he can't be the man I need him to be.
Maybe that is why I wake up so often to not find him near.
Maybe that is why during the day he is absent and lost in his bed.
I don't know why he lashes out in bursts of anger and then claims to know my heart
he is not blameless but still he blames me for his troubles.
What happened to the man I married years ago?
is there any trace of him left? or is he pushing me away like he did years ago?
why did he break my heart only to mend it and break it all over again...
everyday my heart dies a little more and inside I try not to care while
I cry myself to sleep or go day by day holding back my tears...
my friends they try to understand and offer advice... saddly nothing works
I've done everything I can think of and I wait and I try to be understandig...
and I try...
and I try...
I try...
god dammit.
I don't want my marriage to end... but it already has...
we just haven't admitted it yet.
sleeping in different beds, at odds more than in harmony
there is no partnership but rather two room mates living in the same house.
What do I do? ... I'm so lost and confused.
My husband has left me... and in his place is replaced with a child.
With all the selfishness of a child, uncaring for those he hurts and only concerned in there here and now.
Wanting only what will make him happy while leaving excuses for the things he does.
Everything will be normal when...
I'm this way because of this...
instead of doing he talks and whines and complains and explains that he is the way he is because... Sometimes he claims it's something I did but when I ask for specifics he tells me he can't remember.
What do I do with this child that I had thought a man?
Was he really ever an adult or did he just trick me with his acting and lies.
Even now I can't fully trust him...
He still seeks to fullfill himself with games and toys while he ignores the rest of the world.
Like a child he points at his small acomplishments and demands praise
while he sits lazilly back in his toys and complains that the world is not fair
and that is why he can't be the man I need him to be.
Maybe that is why I wake up so often to not find him near.
Maybe that is why during the day he is absent and lost in his bed.
I don't know why he lashes out in bursts of anger and then claims to know my heart
he is not blameless but still he blames me for his troubles.
What happened to the man I married years ago?
is there any trace of him left? or is he pushing me away like he did years ago?
why did he break my heart only to mend it and break it all over again...
everyday my heart dies a little more and inside I try not to care while
I cry myself to sleep or go day by day holding back my tears...
my friends they try to understand and offer advice... saddly nothing works
I've done everything I can think of and I wait and I try to be understandig...
and I try...
and I try...
I try...
god dammit.
I don't want my marriage to end... but it already has...
we just haven't admitted it yet.
sleeping in different beds, at odds more than in harmony
there is no partnership but rather two room mates living in the same house.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)