Today was a nice day. Sunny and warm and content. I woke up at 8:30 after having a long long sleep... as in I went to sleep around 7 or so... But seeing as I'd been up all night the day before with only a small nap until the little one woke up. That was just sleep to make up for the lack of sleep I'd had the night before. I did a few tai chi warm ups... not even the actual tai chi. just warm ups. It made me more determined now than ever to go take tai chi classes again. Either in college, a fitness area, or just purchasing the video's that bring you through each move.
When my son woke up I got him dressed and headed out the door where I ended up talking with one of my neighbors before heading out to the store. After purchasing what I needed I sat down at a subway and got a 6 inch italian bmt and I got Scott a personal veggi pizza. We both shared a little of each others meals. I laughed when a family near by started to chuckle as they watched Scott trying to eat. Yes he is adorable. I had a wonderful time and even though when I left the store and found out I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave for work... I didn't feel rushed. I knew I needed to hurry but I didn't rush.
I wasn't angry at Mike for being asleep all day and being awake all day... or for still not trying to get a job. I woke him up but only so that I could get ready for work while he put Scott to bed and laid back into bed himself. A little tiffed at that but not horribly annoyed... the sad thing in all this... is that I was happier without Mike.
When he's asleep or not involved in my day... I'm happier that he isn't there. I don't have to worry about watching my words or wondering if this was going to be the day that he is going to take insult to everything I say and blow up at me. I can't help but think... out of all the times that I've spent without him involved in my day... that I was happier without him around. If I had a career of my own so I wouldn't have to worry about my income half as much and Mike wasn't involved... I think I would be perfectly happy. how sad is that?
Oh sure there would be days that I would miss having someone in my everyday life... but I would also know what I wouldn't be missing. All those days of being made to feel like the worst thing in the world. Having my every action, every word and my very being be critically analized and critisized. As if nothing I ever do is right or acurate... or having some one there but ignoring me for a video game... having someone not willing to step away from a computer to spend time with you.
As sad as it is... I think it's about time for me to cut the cord and get on with my life. I should have never reopened that wound years ago... married him, and had his child... but Scott is not someone I regret. He is my little chubby monkey. Bringing laughter and smiles and sun shine.
I'm not so great about ending things though... and even though I think it's about time we just give up on this farce of a relationship I don't think it's time just yet... it's not so much horribly painful anymore... it's just... that I don't care anymore. I'm more worried about supporting Scott and myself than I am about trying to figure out how to live without Mike. The only thing I'm going to miss right now is him cooking food, and having a free babysitter, and his small bit of extra income. And since pretty soon he's about to loose his unemployment there wont be anything extra in that. I wonder if there are programs out there to help single parents?
Wow even though I was so happy just a moment ago... it does make me sad to addmit that this relationship is dead... there is no saving it. Even though Mike says he's going to try and fix himself, to stop yelling at me so much and critisizing my every move and refusing to change his mind once he's decided he wants something or is going to do something.
Honestly I just wish he's realize the relationship is over and move back to Florida with his friends... maybe his mom would be willing to help him with that. Probably will need to take a plane ride back to Florida... possibly have his computer shipped to his friend D's house. We'll probably stay friends... because even now we're still friends... but friendship isn't going to keep this going much longer. I don't want him to hate me... and both of us ave brought this up... that we're just not working well together.
Maybe I wont ever work well with another... and that's okay. I lived before just fine being single... and I can do it again. and there are things I can do for when ever I need a little extra when Scott's asleep. Scott fills most of my days now and without Mike in my life I wont be stuck in the apartment half as much... since when ever he is awake he spends all of his time and days behind the computer screen playing video games. Right now it's World of Warcraft. tommorrow it might be Diablo 3, or Tera... or any other kinds of video games... There is a chance that Mike will take the 360 with him when he leaves... I don't think so though since his friend D already has one.
But it is a possibility. I've been as paitient as I possibly can be with Mike... with his boughts of depression and anger... with his lack of doing anything around the house and his lackluster attempts at getting a job. I didn't take as much time as he has being unemployed. And part of that was because I was pregnant and unable to work due to the doctors orders... Yes Mike's excuse is because we lived in the middle of nowhere... well we're up to three months at our apartment and he still hasn't gotten a job. He could have walked or driven to a number of different jobs in the area and he hasn't. He hasn't even tried. He's not even worried now claiming that he'll get money from cash assistance and renters assistance... all of that is going to take time... and why isn't he trying to apply for that now instead of waiting until the very last minute?
Actually I should send him a message right now and ask him to look into it and if possible apply for it so that it will be there when he does finally loose his unemployment... and yes... as I said. I am planning on ending it... I just don't know when the right time will be... I've prayed and prayed and prayed... and as much as I hate it... I think... I could be wrong... but it seems like everything is pointing at us to split up... Even my dreams tell me that I'll be happier without him in my life.
How sad is that?
No comments:
Post a Comment