Once again I find myself within a dark room curled up under the covers... With soothing music playing and incense burning... What am I doing in here? I wonder... Why did I feel the need to retreat from the world?
Was it because of this awful day? ... I don't know
Maybe... Maybe I want to... Or should... Just give up. Give up on trying to be a good mother... Give up on being a friend... Or having friends. They don't seem to want me anyways... *sigh*
My marriage is in shambles. My love? ... I don't know... I will hurt... I will cry... If my marriage... Sorry... When my marriage ends. It's already too late to fix it... And I don't want to be around to see it further crumble and die...
What is there to even live for? ... A game isn't going to bring me any joy... Everything good in my life leaves me eventually... Leaves or rotts or crumbles to dust...
And once again... I'm alone...
In this dark room...
Never moving forward...
Never moving back.
Forever perpetually stuck in this dark room alone and trying to sooth my own tears... Because no one will comfort me. I try... I scream and crawl and tear at the ground till I'm bloody and tear stained and yet... I'm still here... Stuck forever in place while everyone else abandons me.
How funny that my biggest fear is to be alone and yet... I'm always alone? I live my own personal nightmare.
I can't be what they want me to be... I'm tired of fighting to change... To grow... To be better... When it never does anything... I'm no better person for my trials... For my experiences and my strougles? I'm not a better person... A stronger person... All I am is scared... Bleeding... And realizing even more than before that I'm still alone...
