what am I?

I am a woman I suppose... but what kind of woman am I?
Am I the kind of woman that men will make romantic gestures too?
... no...
Am I the kind of woman that is worth fighting for?
... no...
am I the kind of woman worth keeping?
... no...

what kind of woman am I?
the convient kind.
the kind to use until you find something better.
the woman that gets left to raise her child bitter and alone.
I'm the kind of woman that was a romantic and reality bashed
all those dreams to smithereans when
I realized there is no such thing as a soul mate

there is no such thing as true love
there is no such thing as love forever
there is no such thing as a happily ever after... for anyone

no one will really ever love me...
no one will ever really care...
no one will ever be there for me... no matter how hard I try
no matter how often I am there for them

the second something or someone better comes along
more upbeat, more positive
more outgoing, more charismatic...
they'll all be gone...

and I'll be left alone...

Damn you life...
Damn you God...
Damn you husband...

for taking all of my dreams and crushing them...
for taking my heart and ripping it apart...
over... and over... and when I think
it's finally healed and all put back together again

you start destroying me all over again.
till there is nothing left of me...
till there is no reason to smile anymore
till there is no light in the world anymore.

Until all I want to do is curl up in mounds of pillows
and comforters and hug them close to me...
the only thing I could use to imagine someone cuddeling up with me
and making me think that some how... some day some one would love me...

just let me lie there and fall asleep...
and sleep...
and sleep...

...

till I never wake up and I can jsut live in my dreams

where I haven't become bitter...
where my heart isn't dead.
where I think that "this" is the best I'll ever get.

I can't even say that my son will love me forever...
I'm not the perfect mother.
I'm not the perfect wife.
I'm not the perfect person.

He'll grow up and realize what I am...
and want nothing to do with me...
he'll leave me as soon as he can...
and never look back...

and there I'll be... alone...
with a husband that's left me.
because I know he will... he's just waiting
for the right woman...

the woman worth fighting for...
the woman worth making a romantic gesture
the woman worth keeping...

Because that woman is not me.

sunny and warm

Today was a nice day. Sunny and warm and content. I woke up at 8:30 after having a long long sleep... as in I went to sleep around 7 or so... But seeing as I'd been up all night the day before with only a small nap until the little one woke up. That was just sleep to make up for the lack of sleep I'd had the night before. I did a few tai chi warm ups... not even the actual tai chi. just warm ups. It made me more determined now than ever to go take tai chi classes again. Either in college, a fitness area, or just purchasing the video's that bring you through each move.

When my son woke up I got him dressed and headed out the door where I ended up talking with one of my neighbors before heading out to the store. After purchasing what I needed I sat down at a subway and got a 6 inch italian bmt and I got Scott a personal veggi pizza. We both shared a little of each others meals. I laughed when a family near by started to chuckle as they watched Scott trying to eat. Yes he is adorable. I had a wonderful time and even though when I left the store and found out I had about 15 minutes before I had to leave for work... I didn't feel rushed. I knew I needed to hurry but I didn't rush.

I wasn't angry at Mike for being asleep all day and being awake all day... or for still not trying to get a job. I woke him up but only so that I could get ready for work while he put Scott to bed and laid back into bed himself. A little tiffed at that but not horribly annoyed... the sad thing in all this... is that I was happier without Mike.

When he's asleep or not involved in my day... I'm happier that he isn't there. I don't have to worry about watching my words or wondering if this was going to be the day that he is going to take insult to everything I say and blow up at me. I can't help but think... out of all the times that I've spent without him involved in my day... that I was happier without him around. If I had a career of my own so I wouldn't have to worry about my income half as much and Mike wasn't involved... I think I would be perfectly happy. how sad is that?

Oh sure there would be days that I would miss having someone in my everyday life... but I would also know what I wouldn't be missing. All those days of being made to feel like the worst thing in the world. Having my every action, every word and my very being be critically analized and critisized. As if nothing I ever do is right or acurate... or having some one there but ignoring me for a video game... having someone not willing to step away from a computer to spend time with you.

As sad as it is... I think it's about time for me to cut the cord and get on with my life. I should have never reopened that wound years ago... married him, and had his child... but Scott is not someone I regret. He is my little chubby monkey. Bringing laughter and smiles and sun shine.

I'm not so great about ending things though... and even though I think it's about time we just give up on this farce of a relationship I don't think it's time just yet... it's not so much horribly painful anymore... it's just... that I don't care anymore. I'm more worried about supporting Scott and myself than I am about trying to figure out how to live without Mike. The only thing I'm going to miss right now is him cooking food, and having a free babysitter, and his small bit of extra income. And since pretty soon he's about to loose his unemployment there wont be anything extra in that. I wonder if there are programs out there to help single parents?

Wow even though I was so happy just a moment ago... it does make me sad to addmit that this relationship is dead... there is no saving it. Even though Mike says he's going to try and fix himself, to stop yelling at me so much and critisizing my every move and refusing to change his mind once he's decided he wants something or is going to do something.

Honestly I just wish he's realize the relationship is over and move back to Florida with his friends... maybe his mom would be willing to help him with that. Probably will need to take a plane ride back to Florida... possibly have his computer shipped to his friend D's house. We'll probably stay friends... because even now we're still friends... but friendship isn't going to keep this going much longer. I don't want him to hate me... and both of us ave brought this up... that we're just not working well together.

Maybe I wont ever work well with another... and that's okay. I lived before just fine being single... and I can do it again. and there are things I can do for when ever I need a little extra when Scott's asleep. Scott fills most of my days now and without Mike in my life I wont be stuck in the apartment half as much... since when ever he is awake he spends all of his time and days behind the computer screen playing video games. Right now it's World of Warcraft. tommorrow it might be Diablo 3, or Tera... or any other kinds of video games... There is a chance that Mike will take the 360 with him when he leaves... I don't think so though since his friend D already has one.

But it is a possibility. I've been as paitient as I possibly can be with Mike... with his boughts of depression and anger... with his lack of doing anything around the house and his lackluster attempts at getting a job. I didn't take as much time as he has being unemployed. And part of that was because I was pregnant and unable to work due to the doctors orders... Yes Mike's excuse is because we lived in the middle of nowhere... well we're up to three months at our apartment and he still hasn't gotten a job. He could have walked or driven to a number of different jobs in the area and he hasn't. He hasn't even tried. He's not even worried now claiming that he'll get money from cash assistance and renters assistance... all of that is going to take time... and why isn't he trying to apply for that now instead of waiting until the very last minute?

Actually I should send him a message right now and ask him to look into it and if possible apply for it so that it will be there when he does finally loose his unemployment... and yes... as I said. I am planning on ending it... I just don't know when the right time will be... I've prayed and prayed and prayed... and as much as I hate it... I think... I could be wrong... but it seems like everything is pointing at us to split up... Even my dreams tell me that I'll be happier without him in my life.

How sad is that?

failed suicide attempts are expensive

Starting out this post with a bit of confusion (yay!) my husband's friend D, who still lives in Florida, has a girlfriend named Sammy. I've been getting to know her via World of Warcraft. The poor girl has a 5 year old son whom she lost when she went through her first bought of cancer. Because of all the drugs she had to go through for her Cancer treatments they labeled her an unfit parent and took her son away from her. she's had to fight cancer twice now.

She's very devoted to her boyfriend and he seems to be agrivated with her. I know where she is coming with as my husband and D are very similar in some regards. She's currently in a lot of pain and add to that her stressful situation with her boyfriend and living situation and I understand the depression she is going through. and I told her as much on facebook. but... her current issue's brought to the fore memories of when I lived in Florida... in that backroom of my father in law's douplex... little better than a closet... our matress on the floor barely fit in the room. and we were forced to share the room with these giant peices of furniture that were completly useless to us. and thanks to the pot heads that lived in the living room on the sleeper couch (Which they almost always had out and took up almost the entire living room with.) They played music and watched tv with the sound turned up all the way at all times of the day and night. I would ask them to turn it down and instead they would turn it up even more. Then I'm allergic to ciggerette smoke... I have coughing attacks and get dizzy and light headed when I have to inhale the stuff. They would NEVER smoke it outside or leave a bloody window or door open.

*deep breath* then there was also Art... he at least smoked outside... but that was about it. He stole from us. used our shit all the time as if it was his. left half finished plates of food out littered all over the place for the roaches to get to. he would never take care of my father in laws dog... oh right... and the dog. I can't STAND living with dogs! ... maybe it's only because I have yet to live in a house with an actually BEHAVED dog. one with training and obedience... and the knowledge to not poop or pee inside the house. I don't like dogs. sorry... I just... DON'T. they want more attention than I can give them. It's why I prefer cats. They need less attention and they are so much better behaved when it comes to peeing or pooping in a kitty litter box.

anyways... getting off subject.

I know I'm in a bad place when I wish that I hadn't failed at committing suicide. Also that's the reason there is a hole in the backroom where I'd used to live. When Mike woke up realizing there was something wrong and I wasn't telling him he got so angry that he punched a hole in the wall... that scared me into telling him what I'd done. Taken a bottle of sleeping pills (I still wish I'd taken the entire bottle sometimes.) when he took me to the hospital he and the people there tried to keep me awake as they tested my blood to see if I'd be okay... saddly I hadn't taken enough pills to kill myself. (God damn it!) they constantly asked me if I'd tried to kill myself... I was so embaresed I didn't want to admit that I had... but I had... I'd taken them with full intention of falling asleep and never waking up again...

At the time I'd slept more than 12 hours a day... and when I was awake I just stared at the ceiling wishing I'd die... and other times I would wish that I could cut Kenny and Tina's throats while they slept... because then I wouldn't be harrassed by them anymore and wouldn't be in that stressfull living situation... of course then my mind would remind me that I would get found out and go to jail and that would be a MUCH more stressful living situation. I would think through everything before I decided to do anything... it's why as a child I never ran away from home though I'd wanted to on several occasions. I would think about all the possible scenario's and how it wouldn't be a good idea and so I would nix that idea.

Well I had also thought fully into suicide... falling asleep and never waking up would be painless and I wouldn't go through constant strougle and fight for life anymore... this pointless strougle to live... there isn't even almost enough reasons to strougle to live... *sigh* I still think that now sometimes... with my husband still not having a job... and his unemployment running out at the end of the month. There really aren't very many people who would miss my passing. If I could make it look like an accident and not suicide my parents would get money from my life insurance. they'd give some to my husband. and... well everyone would be better off if I was dead. It might be that my son would get taken into child protective services if I died because my husband has no job and no where to keep Scott.

If it got to that point I know that Jamie and my parents would try to find a way for one of them to become Scott's legal guardians so that he wouldn't get taken away from their lives entirely. Getting pregnant was part of the reason I had tried to stop killing myself because I wasn't going to murder my child even if it meant getting me out of my own personal hell.

I guess I'm seriously messed up... I was diagnosed by a physician once... some one had been worried about me and florida state services sent by a professional with his assistant and they sat down outside and talked with me about how I'd been feeling... if I'd been wanting to kill anyone else... my son... or myself... and at the end they told me that I wasn't a danger to anyone else so they couldn't force me to go to the physce ward but they highly suggested that I go in... I'd be there for at least 3 days... I still regret not going... because maybe they could have helped... but I didn't want to leave my husband home alone with our newborn son while I went to the hospital to seek help...

Maybe when Mike gets a job... I should go into the hospital and check myself in... *deep sigh* ... I still really need help... because... I really wish I was dead. I'm not so far along that I want to actually kill myself... but last night I thought about how funny it would be that after my sister went through Intercranial hypertension... (She still does it's incurable) that I would have a brain tumor and die of it... part of the reason I don't really try very hard to get myself to see a doctor is because... I don't care if I die. I don't care if I have a brain tumor and die... in fact I WISH I DID have a brain tumor... or some other incurable disease...

My husband is desperatly afraid of death... so he never likes hearing me talk to him about my depression or wish for death... he doesn't understand it or how to help me with it... he just wants to ignore it and pretend that it'll go away... sadly it doesn't go away... at times it calms down but it's still always there...

*sigh* ... yes... I still wish I was dead... sometimes my wish is stronger than others... and some nights I pray to god and beg him to kill me... or that I was never alive... because honestly... I see no reason for why I am alive. I don't see how I am remotely important or how me being alive is helpful... there are so many people out there that want to be alive and want to live... why can't I some how give up my life to give them their wish and they could give me mine...

it just isn't fair.

Venting thrusters GO!

Good lord I just need a good cursing time here... yes... now that I think about it there really needs to be a word 10 times better than fuck... but for now... let me just say... FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
God FUCKING DAMNIT TO HELL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! *deep breath*
damn... helpful and not helpful all at the same time... Oh well at least it was something I guess. *sigh*

to coin a phrase from my facebook post "ever feel like your heart is breaking? It seems so much worse than having your heart broken. Becuase the worst part is over and you just need to pick up the peices. But during the process it can be dragged out months ... even years! It's like having a bandaid be pulled off very very slowly or having someone cut your arm off with a dull blade... and all of which dragged out to make the pain all that much worse.

Why can't my heart be broken already so I can work on fixing it?" not word for word what I posted because I dumbed it down for family on fb who read my posts. Not many I'll grant you but there are a few.

Truth be told... the overall... happyness... in my life is never going to get better. My sister still pretty much wants nothing to do with me for reasons unknown. My husband every days shows me how much he just doesn't give a fuck about me. I'm not worth his thoughts, or consideration or worth spending money on... I'm just someone he can use. a tool to use... chattel.

I remembered back when we had our argument about valentines and Mike out right didn't want to get me ANYTHING and he argued vehmently against getting me anything for valentines day and fed me some bull shit about not doing it because it's a hallmark started holliday. he eventually did get me something but he made it such a huge deal... of course now he doesn't want to admit to being such a douche.

conversation on guild chat brought that painful memory up. well the day just continued to go to hell as the day went on... one of the worst moments was when we had gotten back from the store and I was trying to help him put groceries away... he yelled at me telling me that I was making everything worse and to go away. I defended myself by getting angry... but now that the anger has faded it's just trembling pain... he told me I had to cook dinner while he went out to get the soda's that we had forgotten.

He came back with the soda's and nothing else. I told him that he'd had the perfect oppertunity to get me something to make up for his actions. He gave me some bullshit excuse about the store being busy so he didn't want to spend a lot of time there... God... I feel so stupid... when I heard him come home I tried not to look thinking he'd have gotten me flowers or chocolates to help cheer me up and I wanted to be angry at him just a little longer... but as I turned around I found that he had nothing... just the soda's... My heart drooped... my head drooped... I felt like such an idiot and felt so... unloved...

When will I stop caring? When will the hurtful things he does no longer break my heart? it's like every day he rips my heart apart a little more... I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it back together a second time... let along ever trust another man with my heart... I know my son is going to break my heart once he gets old enough as well... and some day he'll leave me and forget about me and I can go walk into traffic and finally die...

Stupid game WOW has just been giving me something to focus my attention on... something to take my mind off of Mike and this crappy marriage. this god awful peice of shit thing we call a relationship... I've decided... that it doesn't matter what I look like. "I" can NOT have a relationship... I can't have good close friendships... I can't have a good healthy marriage. and I'll probably suck as a mother as well... *sigh* but at least in the mean time I am enjoying all the love and attention I am getting from my son. It's more than I ever get from my husband.

and even now... to this day... he gives me excuses for why he's being a dick... "I forgot" or "I wasn't thinking" ... you know what that says to me when you "forget" or "don't think" when it comes to decisions that involve me? It's you telling me that I didn't warrent your attention or thought process.

Hell I'm still angry about tuesday night when I had TOLD him that after we quit dragon soul 10 men raid that I wanted to take a shower, eat some soup and go to bed... instead he bully's me into doing some runs of hour of the twilight... when I told him I didn't want to do it he started bitching about me to everyone on mumble until I gave in and said yes to make him shut up. later on when I told him how angry I was at him for bullying me into doing that against my will he says "I didn't know. I didn't hear you" of course you didn't HEAR me say NO when you started to bitch me out in front of our friends on guild chat? NOoooo you didn't hear jack SHIT! GOD!

I keep wanting to think that things are going to get better... but honestly... how?