Good lord I just need a good cursing time here... yes... now that I think about it there really needs to be a word 10 times better than fuck... but for now... let me just say... FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
God FUCKING DAMNIT TO HELL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! *deep breath*
damn... helpful and not helpful all at the same time... Oh well at least it was something I guess. *sigh*
to coin a phrase from my facebook post "ever feel like your heart is breaking? It seems so much worse than having your heart broken. Becuase the worst part is over and you just need to pick up the peices. But during the process it can be dragged out months ... even years! It's like having a bandaid be pulled off very very slowly or having someone cut your arm off with a dull blade... and all of which dragged out to make the pain all that much worse.
Why can't my heart be broken already so I can work on fixing it?" not word for word what I posted because I dumbed it down for family on fb who read my posts. Not many I'll grant you but there are a few.
Truth be told... the overall... happyness... in my life is never going to get better. My sister still pretty much wants nothing to do with me for reasons unknown. My husband every days shows me how much he just doesn't give a fuck about me. I'm not worth his thoughts, or consideration or worth spending money on... I'm just someone he can use. a tool to use... chattel.
I remembered back when we had our argument about valentines and Mike out right didn't want to get me ANYTHING and he argued vehmently against getting me anything for valentines day and fed me some bull shit about not doing it because it's a hallmark started holliday. he eventually did get me something but he made it such a huge deal... of course now he doesn't want to admit to being such a douche.
conversation on guild chat brought that painful memory up. well the day just continued to go to hell as the day went on... one of the worst moments was when we had gotten back from the store and I was trying to help him put groceries away... he yelled at me telling me that I was making everything worse and to go away. I defended myself by getting angry... but now that the anger has faded it's just trembling pain... he told me I had to cook dinner while he went out to get the soda's that we had forgotten.
He came back with the soda's and nothing else. I told him that he'd had the perfect oppertunity to get me something to make up for his actions. He gave me some bullshit excuse about the store being busy so he didn't want to spend a lot of time there... God... I feel so stupid... when I heard him come home I tried not to look thinking he'd have gotten me flowers or chocolates to help cheer me up and I wanted to be angry at him just a little longer... but as I turned around I found that he had nothing... just the soda's... My heart drooped... my head drooped... I felt like such an idiot and felt so... unloved...
When will I stop caring? When will the hurtful things he does no longer break my heart? it's like every day he rips my heart apart a little more... I don't know if I'll ever be able to put it back together a second time... let along ever trust another man with my heart... I know my son is going to break my heart once he gets old enough as well... and some day he'll leave me and forget about me and I can go walk into traffic and finally die...
Stupid game WOW has just been giving me something to focus my attention on... something to take my mind off of Mike and this crappy marriage. this god awful peice of shit thing we call a relationship... I've decided... that it doesn't matter what I look like. "I" can NOT have a relationship... I can't have good close friendships... I can't have a good healthy marriage. and I'll probably suck as a mother as well... *sigh* but at least in the mean time I am enjoying all the love and attention I am getting from my son. It's more than I ever get from my husband.
and even now... to this day... he gives me excuses for why he's being a dick... "I forgot" or "I wasn't thinking" ... you know what that says to me when you "forget" or "don't think" when it comes to decisions that involve me? It's you telling me that I didn't warrent your attention or thought process.
Hell I'm still angry about tuesday night when I had TOLD him that after we quit dragon soul 10 men raid that I wanted to take a shower, eat some soup and go to bed... instead he bully's me into doing some runs of hour of the twilight... when I told him I didn't want to do it he started bitching about me to everyone on mumble until I gave in and said yes to make him shut up. later on when I told him how angry I was at him for bullying me into doing that against my will he says "I didn't know. I didn't hear you" of course you didn't HEAR me say NO when you started to bitch me out in front of our friends on guild chat? NOoooo you didn't hear jack SHIT! GOD!
I keep wanting to think that things are going to get better... but honestly... how?
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