what am I?

I am a woman I suppose... but what kind of woman am I?
Am I the kind of woman that men will make romantic gestures too?
... no...
Am I the kind of woman that is worth fighting for?
... no...
am I the kind of woman worth keeping?
... no...

what kind of woman am I?
the convient kind.
the kind to use until you find something better.
the woman that gets left to raise her child bitter and alone.
I'm the kind of woman that was a romantic and reality bashed
all those dreams to smithereans when
I realized there is no such thing as a soul mate

there is no such thing as true love
there is no such thing as love forever
there is no such thing as a happily ever after... for anyone

no one will really ever love me...
no one will ever really care...
no one will ever be there for me... no matter how hard I try
no matter how often I am there for them

the second something or someone better comes along
more upbeat, more positive
more outgoing, more charismatic...
they'll all be gone...

and I'll be left alone...

Damn you life...
Damn you God...
Damn you husband...

for taking all of my dreams and crushing them...
for taking my heart and ripping it apart...
over... and over... and when I think
it's finally healed and all put back together again

you start destroying me all over again.
till there is nothing left of me...
till there is no reason to smile anymore
till there is no light in the world anymore.

Until all I want to do is curl up in mounds of pillows
and comforters and hug them close to me...
the only thing I could use to imagine someone cuddeling up with me
and making me think that some how... some day some one would love me...

just let me lie there and fall asleep...
and sleep...
and sleep...

...

till I never wake up and I can jsut live in my dreams

where I haven't become bitter...
where my heart isn't dead.
where I think that "this" is the best I'll ever get.

I can't even say that my son will love me forever...
I'm not the perfect mother.
I'm not the perfect wife.
I'm not the perfect person.

He'll grow up and realize what I am...
and want nothing to do with me...
he'll leave me as soon as he can...
and never look back...

and there I'll be... alone...
with a husband that's left me.
because I know he will... he's just waiting
for the right woman...

the woman worth fighting for...
the woman worth making a romantic gesture
the woman worth keeping...

Because that woman is not me.