I just finished watching a movie called, "Peggy Sue got married" her husband (Played by Nicholas Cage) had left her for some other girl. She went to the Alumni reunion I'm guessing it was like 25 years? give or take. anyways she wins some school queen or something like that. And has to go on stage after running into her husband (Soon to be ex) and the next thing she knows she feints on stage.
When she wakes up she went back in time and found herself back in high school when she was about 15, almost 16. She could have chosen to marry the poet, or the nerd who she knew would become famous. And she kept trying to dump her boyfriend so she wouldn't end up marrying him. But he keeps trying to win her back, keeps fighting for her and refuses to give up.
So in the end she ends up going back to the future. Marrying her husband again and wakes up to find out that she'd had some kind of stroke on stage. and wakes up in the hospital with her husband there looking like he hadn't slept for days. there are little bits and pieces showing that she HAD actually gone back in time. But still... BLEH! I think she made a mistake.
She takes her husband back, he dumped his GF. and blah blah blah. All is happy. I say POOEY!
She should have either NEVER married. and gotten somewhere with her life. or married one of the other guys. she should have kept pushing that jerk away until he finally got a clue and never came back. *sigh*
If I had a chance to go back in time and redo things... I think I would try to change my decisions. Worked harder to do running start. Never bothered to date. Heck I would have run into my college friends earlier and would have come fully out of my shell earlier. Heck maybe I would have even gotten my bachelors degree like my sister did. Maybe I would actually work towards getting my dream full filled and go to japan! I might not have had as good a job with money then but I have better experience now. I would have saved up money. Maybe work on my books more instead of RPing. And have GOTTEN some where with my life instead of being in the shit hole I'm in now... *sigh*
Too bad you can't do that... *grumble* maybe I would have run into Jamie sooner... ^_^ ahhh that would have been awesome. bleh bleh bleh. All the time I see these movies with people going back in time and making the same decision they had made before. and every time I think they made the wrong one.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
late night contemplation
at the moment I've been curled up on the bed crying, trying to read this book I bought, but having trouble paying attention as thoughts keep bombarding my thoughts. The way mike has made me feel, blowing up at me for every tiny thing. Starting arguments over the most ridiculous thing and making me feel like an idiot... or dumb... or... just... worthless.
then I think on our... "love life" when was the last time we had a proper date? one that didn't involve his friends tagging along, and him spending on his money on them... while I just tag along feeling even more alone. our sex life consists of him getting really aroused and trying to fuck me without doing anything for me... no kissing, or petting or... anything. he says it's cause it hurts, in his arousal so... it's not uncommon for him to shove himself in when I'm not even ready and... I just feel used. just something for him to slake his lust on... because he doesn't even try anymore.
the only other thing that happens is I have to play with myself, so I'm actually ready, then play with him and then he'll 'mount' me... that's about the only way I really get much pleasure. I do all the prep work and he fucks me for a few minutes and is done... it hurts really thinking about how sad things have become... and it's not even a year.
he jumps on me yelling or putting me down so quickly... I have any complaint and he's there to tell me to shut up... I can't even voice my opinions without them somehow 'running roughshod' over his. he wont even listen to me and then yells at me that I'm not listening to him.
God I wish I'd never moved down here, wish I'd never started dating Mike again. I wish I had stayed home where I would have gotten somewhere with my life. at least my own apartment without anyone else there. all that money I had saved up would have gone into savings instead of into mikes hands where he throws it around willy nilly and then yells at me saying I've get a spending problem. and... I do a little... the funny thing is I always look to him first to see if it's okay and he says yes and then yells at me afterwords... he's so two faced.
I wish I'd never gotten married... and if some how I get free of this relationship I hope to god I never get married again. or date again. I'm so done with men. I feel more ALONE in a relationship then I did when I was single, I had friends... I had family... here Mike just abandons me for more fun things while I curl up in a ball and cry... I have no one here.
I need a job... or money in savings... I need to just get out of here. that's what I need to do. I need to take a plane ride home... sleep on the streets if I have to while I look for a job. I could borrow my parents shower to clean myself up, and wash my clothes... God does it sound so tempting...
Mike argues with me that he doesn't want me to leave... but I don't see it... I see him being happy he's finally rid of me... the only thing that would hurt is he wouldn't be making as much money so he couldn't live the lifestyle he is living now. I WANT to lessen our lifestyle but he wont let me. we HAVE to have this we HAVE to help Dennis with his phone. we HAVE to have internet, we HAVE to have cable... I have to have this game I have to get this. you can only spend this much and I HAVEN"T spent anything... he always says that yet I just saw him go through 40 or 50 bucks the past week buying fast food and snacks alone. but he yells at me... it's all my fault. or it's Florida's fault... he never wants to take the blame for anything and will blame ANYTHING else he can think of... *sigh*
I just want to go home... I know it's mean to say but right now... but I don't want this baby. it's like the baby is trapping me into this marriage even further... I'm being shackled to a verbally abusive relationship... and I hate myself for going back to it when I knew this would happen all over again...
I'm so stupid... I guess... I got the life I deserved... sleeping on the floor in some overcrowded dirty douplex in the closet of my father in law. cockroach infested, with A holes who try to run all over me, trying to run me, my life and the house like the own everything while they try to blow pot and cig smoke into my face. They ARE ass holes but i still try to be nice... so it's more than a little painful when I hear them saying hurtful things about me behind my back. Complaining over stupid things that don't mean anything.
Much like Mike does to me in my face... sadly enough. I have yet to find ANY reason that I should have moved down here. Everyone's like "Well you met your husband" and I'm thinking... yah... not really that good of a reason... it would hurt mike to read this... but... I don't see our relationship as being something worth all this pain and trouble for.
let me list off why. I feel more alone now than ever
I'm being put down and shutten up more times than I care to count
I've been talked down to like I'm an idiot
my hard fought self image is shot to hell
I'm 'used' for sex than I am a participant.
there is no partnership in this relationship... I'm supposed to follow and say 'yes sir'
what ever happened to trying to make each other feel good and loved...?
I've tried to drag him out of the house onto dates and he just takes my DS along and ignores me while he plays games.
He's become addicted to WOW again and wont give me the time of day anymore.
He yells at me for not getting a job yet every night he keeps me up later and later and then yells at me for not waking up early enough to put in job applications.
*sigh* If I had stayed home, I would have still had my OWN room. I would have been staying with my family who loved me and made me feel welcomed even if I wasn't always part of the group because of work or something along those lines.
I would have a LOT of money saved up, I would have moved into my own place... maybe even the townhouses that Mike and Zack moved into... those are nice looking and decent priced.
I'd still have a job. I'd still have my friends, I'd still be able to visit them and go to their parties, I could have gone back to college and worked on my bachelors and gotten myself a better paying job.
I would be living in a hovel having gone from bad to worse each time we went to a different living place. I wouldn't have had to deal with mean abusive and bullying room mates who made me want to hide in my room and curl up crying. I wouldn't have gone to work at river view where I was physically assaulted and then bullied and harassed my whole time there until I was finally fired for stupid reasons.
I wouldn't be sitting here jobless, pregnant, unemployed and being made to feel like crap every day... I can never truly thank god for a good day. the only good days I had was when I was home. I wouldn't be sitting here struggling to sleep wishing I could just die. what kind of life could I offer my child anyways... I've got nothing... just sadness... tears... no angel is going to show up trying to convince me other wise... why? because I'm not worth it...
I NEVER WAS!
why do you think my whole life has been tear filled... you'd think that someday something would happen to make up for it all.. you know? That you go through all this hardship and there would be a long time of happiness and bliss. but it's not there... not for me. I loose my brother at a young age, my mother goes crazy and starts to beat on me... once physically and every other time emotionally she would put me down... I was always alone...
I wanted to think that at least god cared, that at least he was there... I held onto that belief... I tried to pray to him the first chance I got, every night, every time things got tuff. When I had no friends, when others bullied me and I just kept shut. I didn't fight back. my mother would make me feel worse than them... As a child and in junior high I truly felt that my mother hated me... that she wished she had never had me. In a way I still think she does... that they both do. My mother and father. I'm the embarrassment, the one that never went far. I'm fat, and ugly and stupid... all I'm good at is art. what good does that do me? No one cares... I'm not even all that good at it anyways.
my little sister is smart, she's got her bachelors degree and working on her graduates... I just have my associates. I was never smart enough or good enough to get a scholarship. When things got tuff, I let things just happen. I let things just go bad and loose out on everything. When things got tuff for Danielle, her condition, her shunt... the head aches. she still tufed it out...
she shouldn't be the one with her condition... I should. I'm the useless one. I'm the one that should have never been born... I'm the one who should have the condition... why? so I could just accept my fate and let it kill me. Disappear and die painfully the way I deserve to die. Because I'm such a failure... to everyone.
To God, to my Parents, to my Sister, to my Family, to my Husband... and to my child on the way. I know I'll fail her too... I'll probably put her down the same way my mother did me. make her feel that I hate her... with me... who knows... maybe I will hate her. I don't know... this is me we're talking about...
Why do you think God doesn't care about me... no amount of book reading or anything anyone tells me makes me believe it... I cry when some one says it because I want it to be true. if he'd cared he would have put me out of my misery by now. if he ever carried me he's probably dumped me in the sand and washed his hands of me a long time ago...
I'm not going to the Budd office tomorrow... I can't... not the way I am now... with so little sleep....
I might as well try... not like anyone is going to try and stop me... I think the only thing I have available to me is the wire and a knife... I guess I could wrap it around my throat and then just keep tightening it up until I start to suffocate that way when I go unconscious from lack of air it wont unravel... mike wouldn't even notice that I was dead... he'd just get over me and go to work in the morning...
... ugh I don't like the concept of my dead body just sitting here... CK would probably start trying to eat me... I suppose I would eventually start to stink and Mike would shake me trying to wake me up... and eventually would notice the wire wrapped around my throat. Maybe he'd notice sooner... my face would probably be a bit blue from lack of oxygen. dang it... why can't I ever go through with killing myself... I keep thinking about what someone would be left behind with...
why can't I just NOT think about others for once and just end it... end my own misery... weather I go to hell or heaven... I don't know... I wonder anymore if it wouldn't be easier anyways. maybe then I could finally have some peace... I wonder if god and angels are just sitting around waiting for me to finally get on with it and kill myself... heh... ultimate way of knowing that EVERYONE... hates you...
just speaks to who I am as a person... I'm pathetic. too cowardly to kill myself... to much of a wimp to ever stand up for myself... just letting myself just dragged around by one person or the other... *sigh* ...
good night...
then I think on our... "love life" when was the last time we had a proper date? one that didn't involve his friends tagging along, and him spending on his money on them... while I just tag along feeling even more alone. our sex life consists of him getting really aroused and trying to fuck me without doing anything for me... no kissing, or petting or... anything. he says it's cause it hurts, in his arousal so... it's not uncommon for him to shove himself in when I'm not even ready and... I just feel used. just something for him to slake his lust on... because he doesn't even try anymore.
the only other thing that happens is I have to play with myself, so I'm actually ready, then play with him and then he'll 'mount' me... that's about the only way I really get much pleasure. I do all the prep work and he fucks me for a few minutes and is done... it hurts really thinking about how sad things have become... and it's not even a year.
he jumps on me yelling or putting me down so quickly... I have any complaint and he's there to tell me to shut up... I can't even voice my opinions without them somehow 'running roughshod' over his. he wont even listen to me and then yells at me that I'm not listening to him.
God I wish I'd never moved down here, wish I'd never started dating Mike again. I wish I had stayed home where I would have gotten somewhere with my life. at least my own apartment without anyone else there. all that money I had saved up would have gone into savings instead of into mikes hands where he throws it around willy nilly and then yells at me saying I've get a spending problem. and... I do a little... the funny thing is I always look to him first to see if it's okay and he says yes and then yells at me afterwords... he's so two faced.
I wish I'd never gotten married... and if some how I get free of this relationship I hope to god I never get married again. or date again. I'm so done with men. I feel more ALONE in a relationship then I did when I was single, I had friends... I had family... here Mike just abandons me for more fun things while I curl up in a ball and cry... I have no one here.
I need a job... or money in savings... I need to just get out of here. that's what I need to do. I need to take a plane ride home... sleep on the streets if I have to while I look for a job. I could borrow my parents shower to clean myself up, and wash my clothes... God does it sound so tempting...
Mike argues with me that he doesn't want me to leave... but I don't see it... I see him being happy he's finally rid of me... the only thing that would hurt is he wouldn't be making as much money so he couldn't live the lifestyle he is living now. I WANT to lessen our lifestyle but he wont let me. we HAVE to have this we HAVE to help Dennis with his phone. we HAVE to have internet, we HAVE to have cable... I have to have this game I have to get this. you can only spend this much and I HAVEN"T spent anything... he always says that yet I just saw him go through 40 or 50 bucks the past week buying fast food and snacks alone. but he yells at me... it's all my fault. or it's Florida's fault... he never wants to take the blame for anything and will blame ANYTHING else he can think of... *sigh*
I just want to go home... I know it's mean to say but right now... but I don't want this baby. it's like the baby is trapping me into this marriage even further... I'm being shackled to a verbally abusive relationship... and I hate myself for going back to it when I knew this would happen all over again...
I'm so stupid... I guess... I got the life I deserved... sleeping on the floor in some overcrowded dirty douplex in the closet of my father in law. cockroach infested, with A holes who try to run all over me, trying to run me, my life and the house like the own everything while they try to blow pot and cig smoke into my face. They ARE ass holes but i still try to be nice... so it's more than a little painful when I hear them saying hurtful things about me behind my back. Complaining over stupid things that don't mean anything.
Much like Mike does to me in my face... sadly enough. I have yet to find ANY reason that I should have moved down here. Everyone's like "Well you met your husband" and I'm thinking... yah... not really that good of a reason... it would hurt mike to read this... but... I don't see our relationship as being something worth all this pain and trouble for.
let me list off why. I feel more alone now than ever
I'm being put down and shutten up more times than I care to count
I've been talked down to like I'm an idiot
my hard fought self image is shot to hell
I'm 'used' for sex than I am a participant.
there is no partnership in this relationship... I'm supposed to follow and say 'yes sir'
what ever happened to trying to make each other feel good and loved...?
I've tried to drag him out of the house onto dates and he just takes my DS along and ignores me while he plays games.
He's become addicted to WOW again and wont give me the time of day anymore.
He yells at me for not getting a job yet every night he keeps me up later and later and then yells at me for not waking up early enough to put in job applications.
*sigh* If I had stayed home, I would have still had my OWN room. I would have been staying with my family who loved me and made me feel welcomed even if I wasn't always part of the group because of work or something along those lines.
I would have a LOT of money saved up, I would have moved into my own place... maybe even the townhouses that Mike and Zack moved into... those are nice looking and decent priced.
I'd still have a job. I'd still have my friends, I'd still be able to visit them and go to their parties, I could have gone back to college and worked on my bachelors and gotten myself a better paying job.
I would be living in a hovel having gone from bad to worse each time we went to a different living place. I wouldn't have had to deal with mean abusive and bullying room mates who made me want to hide in my room and curl up crying. I wouldn't have gone to work at river view where I was physically assaulted and then bullied and harassed my whole time there until I was finally fired for stupid reasons.
I wouldn't be sitting here jobless, pregnant, unemployed and being made to feel like crap every day... I can never truly thank god for a good day. the only good days I had was when I was home. I wouldn't be sitting here struggling to sleep wishing I could just die. what kind of life could I offer my child anyways... I've got nothing... just sadness... tears... no angel is going to show up trying to convince me other wise... why? because I'm not worth it...
I NEVER WAS!
why do you think my whole life has been tear filled... you'd think that someday something would happen to make up for it all.. you know? That you go through all this hardship and there would be a long time of happiness and bliss. but it's not there... not for me. I loose my brother at a young age, my mother goes crazy and starts to beat on me... once physically and every other time emotionally she would put me down... I was always alone...
I wanted to think that at least god cared, that at least he was there... I held onto that belief... I tried to pray to him the first chance I got, every night, every time things got tuff. When I had no friends, when others bullied me and I just kept shut. I didn't fight back. my mother would make me feel worse than them... As a child and in junior high I truly felt that my mother hated me... that she wished she had never had me. In a way I still think she does... that they both do. My mother and father. I'm the embarrassment, the one that never went far. I'm fat, and ugly and stupid... all I'm good at is art. what good does that do me? No one cares... I'm not even all that good at it anyways.
my little sister is smart, she's got her bachelors degree and working on her graduates... I just have my associates. I was never smart enough or good enough to get a scholarship. When things got tuff, I let things just happen. I let things just go bad and loose out on everything. When things got tuff for Danielle, her condition, her shunt... the head aches. she still tufed it out...
she shouldn't be the one with her condition... I should. I'm the useless one. I'm the one that should have never been born... I'm the one who should have the condition... why? so I could just accept my fate and let it kill me. Disappear and die painfully the way I deserve to die. Because I'm such a failure... to everyone.
To God, to my Parents, to my Sister, to my Family, to my Husband... and to my child on the way. I know I'll fail her too... I'll probably put her down the same way my mother did me. make her feel that I hate her... with me... who knows... maybe I will hate her. I don't know... this is me we're talking about...
Why do you think God doesn't care about me... no amount of book reading or anything anyone tells me makes me believe it... I cry when some one says it because I want it to be true. if he'd cared he would have put me out of my misery by now. if he ever carried me he's probably dumped me in the sand and washed his hands of me a long time ago...
I'm not going to the Budd office tomorrow... I can't... not the way I am now... with so little sleep....
I might as well try... not like anyone is going to try and stop me... I think the only thing I have available to me is the wire and a knife... I guess I could wrap it around my throat and then just keep tightening it up until I start to suffocate that way when I go unconscious from lack of air it wont unravel... mike wouldn't even notice that I was dead... he'd just get over me and go to work in the morning...
... ugh I don't like the concept of my dead body just sitting here... CK would probably start trying to eat me... I suppose I would eventually start to stink and Mike would shake me trying to wake me up... and eventually would notice the wire wrapped around my throat. Maybe he'd notice sooner... my face would probably be a bit blue from lack of oxygen. dang it... why can't I ever go through with killing myself... I keep thinking about what someone would be left behind with...
why can't I just NOT think about others for once and just end it... end my own misery... weather I go to hell or heaven... I don't know... I wonder anymore if it wouldn't be easier anyways. maybe then I could finally have some peace... I wonder if god and angels are just sitting around waiting for me to finally get on with it and kill myself... heh... ultimate way of knowing that EVERYONE... hates you...
just speaks to who I am as a person... I'm pathetic. too cowardly to kill myself... to much of a wimp to ever stand up for myself... just letting myself just dragged around by one person or the other... *sigh* ...
good night...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)