Finally gave in

Ugghhh how do I explain this... I used to have two different... "toys" to take care of my needs from time to time. They weren't super spendy or anything but after a while of being married I finally threw them away. For a few reasons, I was hoping I would never need to use them and because eh... no place to but them they were getting dirty. But... well as I think I mentioned Mike just hasn't... been in the mood lately... at all...

I mean... SURE I can get him hard no problem but... does he actually WANT to have sex? or even play with himself? No... not really. *sigh* I have to literally FORCE sex on him... which I can tell you right now just depresses me more than anything else. We both agreed to get me a new toy... since I'd thrown away my old ones. After I bought it though and started to drive home... I started crying just thinking about the why. Why I even needed it in the first place.

I couldn't help but think... what was I doing wrong? Was he cheating on me? Had I just turned him off? Was I doing something that made him not want me mentally anymore? And he wasn't seeing anything or anyone he wanted physically or emotionally? I just don't... know. He keeps telling me that he's just not interested in sex anymore, hasn't been giving himself hand jobs or anything... but that just makes me... worry. Scared... afraid that the second he finds someone he's interested in fucking... he'll start cheating one me... because he found someone who could give him something I couldn't...

I don't know who to talk to about this either... it's more than a little embarrassing... What am I supposed to do? Message my parents and ask them advice about mike not wanting sex anymore? I don't know what to do... don't know if he's cheating on me. I keep asking and he keeps saying no, I explain why I am even asking of course. I don't outright accuse him of cheating, I just say that it is often a sign of a husband cheating on his wife when he's no longer interested in bedding her. We haven't even been married a year yet and he's already done sleeping with me.

I don't know what to do... *sigh*

Don't belong

Well it's not like anyone reads this so they wouldn't see what I posted on Facebook... but I'll go ahead and repeat it again. I woke up from a dream feeling really depressed and all I could think was "Why don't I ever belong?" I'd been with a group of girls in my dream and... well like I said. I didn't belong. *sigh*

this happens to me all the time where ever I go. When I'm at work (If I had a job right now) or with so called friends, or Mikes friends, or at church or at youth group... or even with my family. I just don't fit in anywhere I go. I'm always on the sidelines and I'm just put up with more than I am excepted. NO one gives a crap about me or what I say and no matter what I do to try and involve myself in the group I just don't fit in. It drives me crazy. And makes me horribly depressed.

I mean even when I was at Heathers party up in Washington state while I was visiting. I didn't really truly feel like I belonged but I tried to just enjoy the company of people I care about and missed seeing. I was only there for a week so I never really got a chance to get to hang out with them though I tried very hard to spend time with people. Went and hung out with John, twice, cause he was so fun to hang out with. Wasn't able to hang out with Laurie though we did try. Then we got to hang out with Jamie.

But we really wore ourselves out trying to see everyone we possibly could and we still weren't able to get everyone in during the week we were there. Not without completely wearing ourselves out. Now I didn't feel as much of an outcast then but it's there. I try to talk and I'm ignored... or no one even listens to me... Like I make a suggestion and then someone else will make the suggestion after I'd just made it. I'm like... "huh? But... I just said that..." "Oh really? we didn't hear you say that"

*sigh* Lonely... I feel defeated before I've even tried... as you might guess the past few days or week I've been feeling pretty down. Lonely, hurting, frustrated... I feel like no matter how hard I try nothing good is going to come out of it. I'll just keep pounding against an unfeeling and uncaring door. Anyone on the other side is just going to ignore me as I keep pounding away because... I don't matter.

It wasn't my prayer's that got K and T to leave. It was my grandparents. I feel like even God ignores me sometimes. Like no matter how much I pray or beg or try to talk to him he can't hear me... or wont hear me. I've been spurned by God. And I don't even know what I did. *sigh* I cry when ever I think that... can't say that means it isn't true just that it matters deeply to me that God cares.

Well I guess not much else to tell right now... so... yah... bye?

*deep sigh*

Okay... so I'm not as angry and upset as I'd been last time... *sigh* ugh... I wouldn't say I'm happy right now... I keep wishing for a way out of here, a way out of this situation... and as much as I KNOW that there is no easy way out. There is not going to be some miraculous winning of a few thousand or even a more so miraculous 30 or 40 grand. I still wish for that one Million but... you know... reach or wish for the stars and you'll still touch the sky. *laugh*

Like I said though, there is no easy way out. No one is going to rescue us from the situation we're in. God isn't going to get us home... he's not going to get us the money we need to take care of Scott. No one is going to help us...

I hurt when mike yelled at me saying he was so sick of my bitching, that all I ever said was negative things... I talked with Dominique about relationships and love... and about trying everything you can to make things work before reaching that point where enough is enough. I start to see that it would be better for Mike if I was just gone. There wouldn't be me or the kid to worry about, no more responsibilities from us. No more burden, he wouldn't have to deal with my negativity... or my wishing that the house would be clean, that people would do their part in keeping things clean.

He wouldn't hear me "bitching" about actually doing things around the house... He yells at me saying I don't do anything he asks but just yesterday I brought him his phone when he knew I didn't want to do it. Didn't want to get in the breeze that had no AC and drive through the burning hot weather to get him his phone. But I did. And then today he wanted spaghetti but didn't do a thing about getting it made. So I did it. He took a minute or two to butter some bread and then went back to his game play.

Sometimes I wish I was a hermit. Lived by myself and only went out to spend time with people when I felt like it... Definitely wish I could live off of my writing. So I wouldn't have to leave the house and or apartment unless I felt like it. I would live back home in Washington were there are no fucking roaches anywhere. Because it's too bloody cold for them. Yay. There would be a few insects in the house or apartment but non like the ones I deal with here.

I could drive back to Washington and if my parents wouldn't let me sleep on the couch then maybe my friends would. Zack or Mike Kenning, or if I'm lucky Tatiana, Maddy, Heather, and Teresa. Just a few friends of mine. I'd have to get medicaid again... possibly talk with them about getting it transferred to Washington state. I could get myself a job, maybe at Add security for a while. I'm sure they'd rehire me while I tried to get on my feet.

*sigh* ... it wouldn't be easy doing that either... but maybe it's time I just left... I could leave... the 360... and the Tv... I don't need any of it. I could always borrow my parents computer when I need to get on the net once and a while. *sigh* ... I'll miss having him near by... miss having him around even if... I rarely get to actually spend time with him...

I thank god that Kenny and Tina are gone. and that hopefully I don't have to face them ever again for the rest of my life. And... I'm pretty sure... I wont ever get involved with someone ever again... I know I'd make some poor smow miserable if they ever made the mistake of dating me. Besides I can always tell them I'm married... just wont tell them that we're separated... Not to mention typically a woman with a child is less likely to find a boyfriend.

I want friends... I want to go home... I want to get away from Florida... and I want to have my baby with my family near by.

I don't know... I guess if Mike and I had that several grand I'd stay but only because then I wouldn't be so much of a burden on Mike. We'd finally have a place of our own... and we'd be able to move to Washington state. I mean... I really want the 1 mill so we could buy a house... and have money left over so we could pay taxes, electricity, and what not with the interest left over. Nothing big and fancy, and Mike and I would have jobs. We wouldn't super spoil our kid let alone let him think we have that much money.

But then I could go back to college, and get my bachelors... and then I could get the kind of job that I actually want... well besides being a published auther. such silly dreams... we keep buying those tickets though... hoping for that miraculous win. But even so... even with all that... if Mike continues to act the way he does... in other words miserable to be around me, and lost in his games... then I'd probably leave anyways. Tired of being hurt and ignored... but yah... it's my fault... cause I'm such a bitch... you know? yah...

Sick and tired of this fucking house

*deep sigh* Yah... I think that's the best bet for me to say. I'm sick and tired of this fucking house. Sick of this HOUSE sick of the freaking bugs that seem to magically find their way in here all the fucking time. I don't get HOW but they do. I guess all that cig and pot smoke helped keep the insects (aside from the roaches) out of the house. Because now there are tiny bugs everywhere, termites, and of course roaches.

No one's done shit about it. Mike and I tried to get something for the roaches but the store didn't have the item we wanted and as much as the situation has been much on my mind. it has not been on mikes mind at all. The trap under the sink is broken, and if I had any idea how to fix the stupid thing. I would do it! But I don't. And mikes dad keeps saying he'll fix it but he never does. We live in a crappy house. The tub doesn't drain, the ac constantly breaks the back porch smells horribly of vomit. That's because mike SAID he would take the garbage out two fucking weeks ago.

Mike and his dad do nothing to help around the house. No sorry when mike FEELS like getting off his lazy ass he'll do the dishes and if I'm lucky take out the trash because other wise that's ME. His dad did the dishes ONCE. Since Kenny and Tina have left he hasn't even once cleaned the house in any shape or form. He rarely takes his dog for a walk and even if he does it's only for like 5 minutes. So his stupid fucking dog shits and pee's all over the floor and harasses my cat.

He doesn't do shit for Mike and I either except how to take car of our cat or our kid. or fucking hit me or try and harass me. He doesn't do shit to punish or try to get his dog to behave. When the dog goes after my cat he yells at my cat for "edging the dog on" like hissing at a dog when it's trying to attack you is edging it the fuck on. Mike and I both know it's not CK's fault but he refuses to think other wise. I can't try and punish the dog because that's being MEAN and treating it like Kenny did. (Which is such total bull shit)

I'm tired of Dominique being here. SO FUCKING TIRED. I'd like to NOT have to sit by while someone who is a guest takes over all my shit. every day of every hour. It's like I have to ask politely to use shit I paid my own god damn money for. I'm tired of no one cleaning up around the house. No one sweeps, no one mops, no one cleans up messes they or their stupid dog cause, all they do is lay around the house and lord it over me that I don't have a job and they are going out of their way to be nice to me.

GAH! I'm having the guys freaking grandchild and I feel like I'm being treated like a roach. Not just a roach but one that is supposed to cook and clean and make everyone else happy while everyone else uses shit I worked for. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of Mikes loud dad, who wakes me up every time he comes home yelling his head off.

I want a place of my own... now. I don't want to share my home or my stuff with these stuck of A holes anymore. In fact I'm tired of Mike's shit too. He gives me a hard time any time I ask him to do anything. do the dishes or take out the trash. I've never seen him clean the bathroom. and yet he brags that he does SO MUCH around the house.

Why don't I just take my stuff... and get out of here. wait till I get paid, then get away from here. live in my car if I have to. Or maybe a homeless shelter until I can afford a down payment on a place.

I want a bed... not a mattress on the floor. I want a home of my own... I wish... I wish I could win a few thousand dollars. just a few... so I could move home... so I could get away from this shit hole. So I could have a home... a real home... to put my child in. Not one room to another to each place some one feels charitable enough to give us. I wish mike would stop throwing money around. I even wish he would just cancel the internet and cable. We can't catch up with the bill. I wish he would get off his lazy ass and sell the stupid Stylus already.

He hasn't done ANYTHING about getting his car legal so we don't have to remove it from the property. It doesn't even work, it's such bull shit.

GOD! PLEASE! I'm begging you get me out of here!!

Want to run away

Again I'm glad for the fact that no one reads this. no one comments on this and I don't have to worry about anyone knowing how I'm feeling or that things aren't quite right... I was going to say "someone" thinks I'm a drama queen... but then again she's the ultimate drama queen, pathological lair who has to have attention or she withers. *cough cough* Harmony. so why should I care what the fuck she thinks.

But anyways... *sigh* I still don't like letting people know that somethings wrong... so I can deal with it myself, so that I don't receive people's pity... maybe so they wont be disappointed in me. I think my parents would be disappointed in me. My marriage is falling apart all around me. I'm not really sure when it started happening... I mean sure there were problems before but I guess we could deal with them, for the most part money was really the only biggest issue. well that and K and T. he hated when I complained about them... oh fuck he hates when I complain at all. It's like I have to be perfect and like and love everything.

But... I think the time when it finally all started swiftly falling apart was when he found out I was pregnant. immediately he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. Honestly with the way things are going now I really wish I wasn't pregnant and going to have a child because he's going to grow up without his parents being together. and it's not that thought that makes me cry it's the fact that this marriage has basically crumbled to the ground. That as much as I love him I can't stay here through this anymore.

A part of him hates me... he never tells me this but I see it in his actions, in his face, in the way he acts around me. He is angry at me for not having a job, he blames me for not trying harder to get a job. He blames me for the fact he's going to be a father and he's not ready and that we don't have the money to raise it. he blames me for why we have to struggle so hard just to put a little money into savings. it's a little of both our faults. he isn't careful with his money or his account and he keeps getting overdraft fee's and I have to come up with money to bail him out. I'll admit I'd have to borrow from my dad a few times to prevent an overdraft fee. but I pay him back.

Mike has never paid me back for the money I took out of savings to bail him out. he promised to pay me back this next paycheck which we both know is a load of shit. he got paid yesterday and he hasn't made a move to pay me back the 60 dollars I pulled out to bail he lame ass. I need to put that money back into savings and the baby fund. Instead he's going to use his money on something else and then bitch about how he has no spending and "NEVER" buys anything for himself. Total bullshit. but I guess he likes lying to himself and to me and it makes him feel better.

He couldn't save money before I came down here and he still can't save money now that I'm here. except that now that I'm here he has someone to blame for his troubles. Me. and he does... all the time. It hurts... *tries to fight back tears* ... dang...

He also hates me for the fact that I can't sleep through his snoring. I've tried different methods to get him to move over or something to stop snoring. Some of them made him just outright yell at me and I've tried to come up with gentler ways to get him to stop but nothing works... truth be told. so he hates me for bothering him while he's trying to sleep so that I can get some sleep. The person that means the most to him is himself.

I know the order of items that are most important to him. Himself, his games, his friends, his family (His dad and his dad's dog), then last and most certainly least is myself. then somewhere further down there are the car and multiple other things that need to be done around the house that he puts on the back burner...

In other words, unless I harass him to get anything done, he wont do shit but watch tv and play his video game. So typically I end up doing everything, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, walking the dog, trying to get his stupid car fixed. I tried to get it sold but he just undermined that right out from under me. Needless to say it's still sitting out here unsold and unfixed and he's more interested in getting his computer fixed than he is in getting the car fixed and sold. He talks about how we have two vehicles but technically we only have one. the stylus does not work, is no longer insured or registered. and now we've been told by the landlord that we have to have it registered in two weeks or we have to move it.

If I got a job it would be a struggle to get me to work and this is something I worry about. but it doesn't even dawn on him that this is an issue and he wont even listen to me. he just dismisses everything I say. *sigh*

I want to run away. Run away from this marriage. Run away from this life. Run away from having a baby, from this marriage. I don't know if I would stay here until the baby is born. so I would have medicaid for Scott (the baby) Just thinking about how hard life is going to be trying to live on my own in a car or a homeless shelter and... well I don't like the thought of it. It's a bit of a reason that I'm not leaving right this very minute. But also because it's not fair to at least give mike a chance, to talk to him about how I feel.

... As much as I've tried to talk to him about this stuff he's still going to be reeling when we discuss this. He honestly doesn't admit to himself that there is anything wrong. if I just left he would hate me and be reeling. I don't know if things will ever work out... but I am going to keep my car. Because it is my car. He can try all he wants to legally take my car from me but my name is on the title. Not his. and I bought it long before we got married so he has no claim on it.

But when Scott is born they will probably take him away from me because I don't have a job. And I wont have a home. they'll give Scott to Mike... which would suck... unless he doesn't want Scott? I know a part of him doesn't want me... and I'm sure a part of him doesn't want the baby either. God should I just leave now while he's still sleeping? I need more money in savings I think...

I just want to run away... I know it's only going to make things worse... possibly end the marriage completely... but I already see it dying before my eyes. He's not interested in me anymore. Hell for all I know he's cheating on me behind my back and that's why he's never interested in sex anymore... I wouldn't blame him... he's married to me after all...

I know a lot of it is my fault... It's because I don't have a job, because I got pregnant... because I can't sleep through his snoring, oh and because I complain about how much he plays on wow. It's all of these reasons that he hates me, why he would cheat on me, why he treats me so badly. He snaps at me and tells me not to mother him, to leave him alone, I try to talk to him and at least twice a day he snaps at me.

I can't complain about anything or voice an opinion without being put down or yelled at. His dad hits me, teasing I guess but still... what he considers a light tap, hurts. His dog keeps harassing CK, I know his dad just wants me and CK gone. I have a problem with dogs, and I really don't like dogs that refuse to behave, like Baby Girl. And of course Mike hates me for that too.

I've been yelled at for the fact that I don't handle being around the dog so well, that I'd just rather lock the dog up or have it lay down on the couch away from me. It wants to climb onto my lap or jump up and try to push against my tummy. Which is another thing... I'm fat. my stomach looks absolutely disgusting. God I'm sure he hates having sex with me now too. He looks at his life and goes... "oh god... what did I marry?" so he looses himself in his games so he can ignore me and his life and the things that need to be done.

It's exactly what he does... he hates me... but doesn't want to make me cry. So he looses himself in his game so he can ignore me and everything else involving me. The baby, my lack of a job. Money issues. It's easier to just throw everything on my shoulders, and blame me when everything doesn't work out...

I'm tired of Hurting... I'm tired of being alone... I know if I ran away back to Washington state that I would have my friends and family as support... people who would care that I was hurting. But I would also have to wait for my medicaid to get reaproved in Washington state... I wonder if I could call that one lady and talk to her about that. Maybe they could send a form to Washington state so I wouldn't have to wait for it to get reaproved. I would just have to find another OB place to go to... I suppose Tarah could point something out to me seeing as she just had her third.

I hated leaving him before... I'll hate leaving him again. It'll hurt... a lot. Cry myself to sleep every night and stuff... *sigh* yah. Not like I'm not crying all the time here and hurting and all alone. At least there I can cry on someones shoulder and be given hugs. if not told that I was an idiot for marrying him and more so for leaving him.

*sigh* I want to start packing right now... I need to wash my clothes before that though... it'd at least make things a little easier. I don't remember where I put my suitcase... maybe in the other room? I'll go look.

*sigh* bored

Well there's good and bad. K and T haven't returned, yay for that. Things seem to be a bit better now, though Mikes dad a few days back woke up and started yelling at us. About his stupid dog. Ugh I wish that dog would just get lost or something. She's stupid, refuses to learn, and isn't trained worth shit. I try to be nice to the stupid thing and it tries to jump in my lap or push it's paws against my belly. which is a BIG NO NO! I tell her NO and STOP and she keeps on doing it.

want to fucking kick that dog sometimes. and she wont stop harrasing my fucking cat. earlier CK was behaving when the dog comes running up to her, chases her into the kitchen then starts growling and barking at her while trying to paw the cat. I wanted to kick that dog in the head right then and there.

Anyways when he was yelling at us he was saying if we didn't like it we could just move out. and well... I've been kinda thinking about getting out ever since. I don't want his dad to be around with the baby 24/7. something tells me he'll try to tell us how to raise the baby and what to do like he does with his stupid dog. As much as I would like to be able to save up money I don't really want to stay here in this pig style much longer. His dad never cleans up the dishes, never cleans up after himself. never even has the decency to rinse his plate off so the cockroaches don't swarm it.

I don't have anything to kill them with but I'm still trying to cut down on them being around. Giving them less reason to even be here. that's why I try not to eat in our room all that much anymore. I don't want there to be crumbs to attract the roaches. I want us to have our own place that isn't infested with roaches the second we move in. And then I want to make sure they don't ever have a reason to get into the house to begin with. I need to get a job so we can get the fuck out.

also it'll be easier for my parents to visit if we have our own place. I mean... at least when they come to visit, if we are still living here when the baby is born then they can spend time with us in the living room, and they wont have to go into some small cramped place with way to many people. I seriously doubt we are going to hear much from mikes mom. let along get anything for the baby. she never did shit for when we got married.

I'm so bored... and lonely... and with mikes half sister Dominique here she's always using both the computer and the TV so I can't play any of my games without kicking her off of my fucking stuff. I mean she's okay but I'm ready to have her leave now. I'd like to be able to use my own shit, it's fine with mikes dad. He doesn't use any of it for long and then ends up taking a nap on the couch. not a big deal.

I'm feeling a bit trapped again... I just want people to go away so I can just spend some time doing what ever BY MY SELF! It probably wouldn't become a fight if I asked to get on my xbox 360 and used my tv. but I don't really want to face it. not to mention I still wouldn't have any time to myself. I don't want to play Fable 2 there with everyone fucking watching me and making cometary. NOT APPRECIATED! GOD! can't they just leave me the fuck alone!

I'm tired of mikes dad "teasing me" or saying shit. I tired of him bumping me or harassing me. I wish I had some god damn friends... I just want to have some friend to chat with and spend time with. I tried to do that with Faith but it just didn't work out. We really don't have much in common. I just want to have a friend to hang out with, that isn't a douche. doesn't want to just talk about themselves. and is willing to fucking listen and just hang out. All Faith wants to do is things that require money. which I do not have in abundance.

And for some reason mike keeps snapping at me over the littlest things... and I just want to go home... I want to go back to Washington to my friends and my family... to weather that's not ridiculously hot. I want to get hugged... I never get hugged... not by mike... I have no friends to hug... and I'm so lonely... and bored... he plays his games and hangs out in the living room with his family and leaves me all alone in here.

God I need a friend.