Don't belong

Well it's not like anyone reads this so they wouldn't see what I posted on Facebook... but I'll go ahead and repeat it again. I woke up from a dream feeling really depressed and all I could think was "Why don't I ever belong?" I'd been with a group of girls in my dream and... well like I said. I didn't belong. *sigh*

this happens to me all the time where ever I go. When I'm at work (If I had a job right now) or with so called friends, or Mikes friends, or at church or at youth group... or even with my family. I just don't fit in anywhere I go. I'm always on the sidelines and I'm just put up with more than I am excepted. NO one gives a crap about me or what I say and no matter what I do to try and involve myself in the group I just don't fit in. It drives me crazy. And makes me horribly depressed.

I mean even when I was at Heathers party up in Washington state while I was visiting. I didn't really truly feel like I belonged but I tried to just enjoy the company of people I care about and missed seeing. I was only there for a week so I never really got a chance to get to hang out with them though I tried very hard to spend time with people. Went and hung out with John, twice, cause he was so fun to hang out with. Wasn't able to hang out with Laurie though we did try. Then we got to hang out with Jamie.

But we really wore ourselves out trying to see everyone we possibly could and we still weren't able to get everyone in during the week we were there. Not without completely wearing ourselves out. Now I didn't feel as much of an outcast then but it's there. I try to talk and I'm ignored... or no one even listens to me... Like I make a suggestion and then someone else will make the suggestion after I'd just made it. I'm like... "huh? But... I just said that..." "Oh really? we didn't hear you say that"

*sigh* Lonely... I feel defeated before I've even tried... as you might guess the past few days or week I've been feeling pretty down. Lonely, hurting, frustrated... I feel like no matter how hard I try nothing good is going to come out of it. I'll just keep pounding against an unfeeling and uncaring door. Anyone on the other side is just going to ignore me as I keep pounding away because... I don't matter.

It wasn't my prayer's that got K and T to leave. It was my grandparents. I feel like even God ignores me sometimes. Like no matter how much I pray or beg or try to talk to him he can't hear me... or wont hear me. I've been spurned by God. And I don't even know what I did. *sigh* I cry when ever I think that... can't say that means it isn't true just that it matters deeply to me that God cares.

Well I guess not much else to tell right now... so... yah... bye?