*deep sigh*

Okay... so I'm not as angry and upset as I'd been last time... *sigh* ugh... I wouldn't say I'm happy right now... I keep wishing for a way out of here, a way out of this situation... and as much as I KNOW that there is no easy way out. There is not going to be some miraculous winning of a few thousand or even a more so miraculous 30 or 40 grand. I still wish for that one Million but... you know... reach or wish for the stars and you'll still touch the sky. *laugh*

Like I said though, there is no easy way out. No one is going to rescue us from the situation we're in. God isn't going to get us home... he's not going to get us the money we need to take care of Scott. No one is going to help us...

I hurt when mike yelled at me saying he was so sick of my bitching, that all I ever said was negative things... I talked with Dominique about relationships and love... and about trying everything you can to make things work before reaching that point where enough is enough. I start to see that it would be better for Mike if I was just gone. There wouldn't be me or the kid to worry about, no more responsibilities from us. No more burden, he wouldn't have to deal with my negativity... or my wishing that the house would be clean, that people would do their part in keeping things clean.

He wouldn't hear me "bitching" about actually doing things around the house... He yells at me saying I don't do anything he asks but just yesterday I brought him his phone when he knew I didn't want to do it. Didn't want to get in the breeze that had no AC and drive through the burning hot weather to get him his phone. But I did. And then today he wanted spaghetti but didn't do a thing about getting it made. So I did it. He took a minute or two to butter some bread and then went back to his game play.

Sometimes I wish I was a hermit. Lived by myself and only went out to spend time with people when I felt like it... Definitely wish I could live off of my writing. So I wouldn't have to leave the house and or apartment unless I felt like it. I would live back home in Washington were there are no fucking roaches anywhere. Because it's too bloody cold for them. Yay. There would be a few insects in the house or apartment but non like the ones I deal with here.

I could drive back to Washington and if my parents wouldn't let me sleep on the couch then maybe my friends would. Zack or Mike Kenning, or if I'm lucky Tatiana, Maddy, Heather, and Teresa. Just a few friends of mine. I'd have to get medicaid again... possibly talk with them about getting it transferred to Washington state. I could get myself a job, maybe at Add security for a while. I'm sure they'd rehire me while I tried to get on my feet.

*sigh* ... it wouldn't be easy doing that either... but maybe it's time I just left... I could leave... the 360... and the Tv... I don't need any of it. I could always borrow my parents computer when I need to get on the net once and a while. *sigh* ... I'll miss having him near by... miss having him around even if... I rarely get to actually spend time with him...

I thank god that Kenny and Tina are gone. and that hopefully I don't have to face them ever again for the rest of my life. And... I'm pretty sure... I wont ever get involved with someone ever again... I know I'd make some poor smow miserable if they ever made the mistake of dating me. Besides I can always tell them I'm married... just wont tell them that we're separated... Not to mention typically a woman with a child is less likely to find a boyfriend.

I want friends... I want to go home... I want to get away from Florida... and I want to have my baby with my family near by.

I don't know... I guess if Mike and I had that several grand I'd stay but only because then I wouldn't be so much of a burden on Mike. We'd finally have a place of our own... and we'd be able to move to Washington state. I mean... I really want the 1 mill so we could buy a house... and have money left over so we could pay taxes, electricity, and what not with the interest left over. Nothing big and fancy, and Mike and I would have jobs. We wouldn't super spoil our kid let alone let him think we have that much money.

But then I could go back to college, and get my bachelors... and then I could get the kind of job that I actually want... well besides being a published auther. such silly dreams... we keep buying those tickets though... hoping for that miraculous win. But even so... even with all that... if Mike continues to act the way he does... in other words miserable to be around me, and lost in his games... then I'd probably leave anyways. Tired of being hurt and ignored... but yah... it's my fault... cause I'm such a bitch... you know? yah...