Want to run away

Again I'm glad for the fact that no one reads this. no one comments on this and I don't have to worry about anyone knowing how I'm feeling or that things aren't quite right... I was going to say "someone" thinks I'm a drama queen... but then again she's the ultimate drama queen, pathological lair who has to have attention or she withers. *cough cough* Harmony. so why should I care what the fuck she thinks.

But anyways... *sigh* I still don't like letting people know that somethings wrong... so I can deal with it myself, so that I don't receive people's pity... maybe so they wont be disappointed in me. I think my parents would be disappointed in me. My marriage is falling apart all around me. I'm not really sure when it started happening... I mean sure there were problems before but I guess we could deal with them, for the most part money was really the only biggest issue. well that and K and T. he hated when I complained about them... oh fuck he hates when I complain at all. It's like I have to be perfect and like and love everything.

But... I think the time when it finally all started swiftly falling apart was when he found out I was pregnant. immediately he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose. Honestly with the way things are going now I really wish I wasn't pregnant and going to have a child because he's going to grow up without his parents being together. and it's not that thought that makes me cry it's the fact that this marriage has basically crumbled to the ground. That as much as I love him I can't stay here through this anymore.

A part of him hates me... he never tells me this but I see it in his actions, in his face, in the way he acts around me. He is angry at me for not having a job, he blames me for not trying harder to get a job. He blames me for the fact he's going to be a father and he's not ready and that we don't have the money to raise it. he blames me for why we have to struggle so hard just to put a little money into savings. it's a little of both our faults. he isn't careful with his money or his account and he keeps getting overdraft fee's and I have to come up with money to bail him out. I'll admit I'd have to borrow from my dad a few times to prevent an overdraft fee. but I pay him back.

Mike has never paid me back for the money I took out of savings to bail him out. he promised to pay me back this next paycheck which we both know is a load of shit. he got paid yesterday and he hasn't made a move to pay me back the 60 dollars I pulled out to bail he lame ass. I need to put that money back into savings and the baby fund. Instead he's going to use his money on something else and then bitch about how he has no spending and "NEVER" buys anything for himself. Total bullshit. but I guess he likes lying to himself and to me and it makes him feel better.

He couldn't save money before I came down here and he still can't save money now that I'm here. except that now that I'm here he has someone to blame for his troubles. Me. and he does... all the time. It hurts... *tries to fight back tears* ... dang...

He also hates me for the fact that I can't sleep through his snoring. I've tried different methods to get him to move over or something to stop snoring. Some of them made him just outright yell at me and I've tried to come up with gentler ways to get him to stop but nothing works... truth be told. so he hates me for bothering him while he's trying to sleep so that I can get some sleep. The person that means the most to him is himself.

I know the order of items that are most important to him. Himself, his games, his friends, his family (His dad and his dad's dog), then last and most certainly least is myself. then somewhere further down there are the car and multiple other things that need to be done around the house that he puts on the back burner...

In other words, unless I harass him to get anything done, he wont do shit but watch tv and play his video game. So typically I end up doing everything, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, walking the dog, trying to get his stupid car fixed. I tried to get it sold but he just undermined that right out from under me. Needless to say it's still sitting out here unsold and unfixed and he's more interested in getting his computer fixed than he is in getting the car fixed and sold. He talks about how we have two vehicles but technically we only have one. the stylus does not work, is no longer insured or registered. and now we've been told by the landlord that we have to have it registered in two weeks or we have to move it.

If I got a job it would be a struggle to get me to work and this is something I worry about. but it doesn't even dawn on him that this is an issue and he wont even listen to me. he just dismisses everything I say. *sigh*

I want to run away. Run away from this marriage. Run away from this life. Run away from having a baby, from this marriage. I don't know if I would stay here until the baby is born. so I would have medicaid for Scott (the baby) Just thinking about how hard life is going to be trying to live on my own in a car or a homeless shelter and... well I don't like the thought of it. It's a bit of a reason that I'm not leaving right this very minute. But also because it's not fair to at least give mike a chance, to talk to him about how I feel.

... As much as I've tried to talk to him about this stuff he's still going to be reeling when we discuss this. He honestly doesn't admit to himself that there is anything wrong. if I just left he would hate me and be reeling. I don't know if things will ever work out... but I am going to keep my car. Because it is my car. He can try all he wants to legally take my car from me but my name is on the title. Not his. and I bought it long before we got married so he has no claim on it.

But when Scott is born they will probably take him away from me because I don't have a job. And I wont have a home. they'll give Scott to Mike... which would suck... unless he doesn't want Scott? I know a part of him doesn't want me... and I'm sure a part of him doesn't want the baby either. God should I just leave now while he's still sleeping? I need more money in savings I think...

I just want to run away... I know it's only going to make things worse... possibly end the marriage completely... but I already see it dying before my eyes. He's not interested in me anymore. Hell for all I know he's cheating on me behind my back and that's why he's never interested in sex anymore... I wouldn't blame him... he's married to me after all...

I know a lot of it is my fault... It's because I don't have a job, because I got pregnant... because I can't sleep through his snoring, oh and because I complain about how much he plays on wow. It's all of these reasons that he hates me, why he would cheat on me, why he treats me so badly. He snaps at me and tells me not to mother him, to leave him alone, I try to talk to him and at least twice a day he snaps at me.

I can't complain about anything or voice an opinion without being put down or yelled at. His dad hits me, teasing I guess but still... what he considers a light tap, hurts. His dog keeps harassing CK, I know his dad just wants me and CK gone. I have a problem with dogs, and I really don't like dogs that refuse to behave, like Baby Girl. And of course Mike hates me for that too.

I've been yelled at for the fact that I don't handle being around the dog so well, that I'd just rather lock the dog up or have it lay down on the couch away from me. It wants to climb onto my lap or jump up and try to push against my tummy. Which is another thing... I'm fat. my stomach looks absolutely disgusting. God I'm sure he hates having sex with me now too. He looks at his life and goes... "oh god... what did I marry?" so he looses himself in his games so he can ignore me and his life and the things that need to be done.

It's exactly what he does... he hates me... but doesn't want to make me cry. So he looses himself in his game so he can ignore me and everything else involving me. The baby, my lack of a job. Money issues. It's easier to just throw everything on my shoulders, and blame me when everything doesn't work out...

I'm tired of Hurting... I'm tired of being alone... I know if I ran away back to Washington state that I would have my friends and family as support... people who would care that I was hurting. But I would also have to wait for my medicaid to get reaproved in Washington state... I wonder if I could call that one lady and talk to her about that. Maybe they could send a form to Washington state so I wouldn't have to wait for it to get reaproved. I would just have to find another OB place to go to... I suppose Tarah could point something out to me seeing as she just had her third.

I hated leaving him before... I'll hate leaving him again. It'll hurt... a lot. Cry myself to sleep every night and stuff... *sigh* yah. Not like I'm not crying all the time here and hurting and all alone. At least there I can cry on someones shoulder and be given hugs. if not told that I was an idiot for marrying him and more so for leaving him.

*sigh* I want to start packing right now... I need to wash my clothes before that though... it'd at least make things a little easier. I don't remember where I put my suitcase... maybe in the other room? I'll go look.