Sometimes I wish I hadn't sworn to Chad that I wouldn't kill myself... he said he would follow me if I did... just as I had promised him I would follow him if he did... and it still holds true for me. If I found out he had died... it's hard enough living without him. But if he was dead as well? I couldn't do it anymore.
Since I have... really no way to contact him I have no way of knowing... but if I ever found out...
And just for the off chance that he is checking up on me once and a while, watching me from a distance... just on the off chance if he would follow me... I can't give up and end it all... I try to tell myself that he doesn't care about me anymore, that he wouldn't do it, but I can't ever risk doing something like that...
I feel bad that I love someone else more than my husband... and I don't know if that will ever change.
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