new years

Okay before I begin I have a secret I have to admit to... urm... how do I put it... I keep looking around trying to find Chad... as if some how he is near by and I keep looking at people wondering if maybe he's there just around the corner, that person over there... that person over here... I hate the fact that we had to part ways... but even now I have to admit that if we had kept talking the temptation would have been too much. I loved him too much to just be his friend.

and... I sometimes wonder if it was really just on my end... that is I know how most men think... wetting their wick and what not... There are more than a few men out there that enjoy playing with women, saying what ever needs to be said to get women to do what they want... but my heart never believes it. I can tell it a million times that the heart can be deceived but it doesn't listen... and I've given up on arguing with my heart.

so instead I just tell it "You'll never see or hear from him again" ... I mean hello! he said he wanted nothing to do with you anymore... *bows head and wipes at eyes* erm... anyways yah... I don't know... maybe I'll never stop loving him... it's gotten easier over time to live with it... but it doesn't make it hurt any less... it's... how do I explain it...

You know when you have this pain... all the time... in your chest... or leg... or where ever. For a while it hurts all the time and you focus on it which of course makes it hurt more... but after a while the pain just becomes a normal part of life... if the pain ever left you would notice the pain gone... and sometimes you'll think about it and "yup pain is still there" but... you learn to live with it.

That's pretty much what this is... I can go most of the day without thinking about it, thinking about him... and then I catch myself looking over my shoulder thinking... hoping for a moment that I saw him. I do it unconsciously, not even realizing what I'm doing until I realize I'm searching for him again.

... I can't say that my marriage is perfect... but my home is filled with a lot of love and laughter... and that is a wonderfully soothing balm on the wound. Just yesterday having Scott curl up on my chest and fall asleep in my arms... the warmth and happiness that came with that was so wonderful. The kitties are great, and Mike is great with Scott.

He frustrates me though... He accused me of not spending enough time with him or going out of my way to spend time with him... when just that very same day at work I suggested a movie for us to curl up on the couch to watch together. The problem is that his life evolves around his computer... I come home and sit down on the couch and he remains in the computer chair... what does he want me to do? Sit on his lap? he wants me to spend time with him... is spending time with him involve me being ignored by him while he plays on the computer? Because I'm sorry but that isn't it...

He never suggest snuggling on the bed or on the couch... I DO. he never suggests watching a movie together or having a nice dinner at home since we can't afford to eat out. No. That is me. He's been terribly depressed and has admitted himself that he has been doing nothing around the house the past two weeks. which was why both times I had a day off was spent picking up and cleaning the house.

As if I'm not already carrying us financially I now also have to carry us with the house work as well? *sigh* I have been loosing sizes left and right... Mike doesn't really cook anymore either... which is weird that he trys to use that as something he does around the house. He cooks food for himself... but usually when I'm home I have to fend for myself or starve... which means sometimes I don't eat at all.

in the past several months I have gone down from a size 22 to a size 16, and I seem to be getting small for my size 16 clothing now as well. Well part of that is probably because of the flue I was sick with since the 1st. I ended up loosing my voice for about 5 days or so and even now it isn't completly back yet... there were a few times all I could get out was some sad wheezing squeeking sound.... I swear I sounded like some dying animal. It was terrible... even more terrible that I had to work through a lot of that... but we couldn't afford for me not too... Still I did have two sick days... rare for me since I hadn't had a sick day in over a year.

I told mike that I was sad that he wasn't taking care of me at all while I was sick... when I was so weary and aching and doped up on night time cold medicine that I could barely keep my eyes open let alone stand up... I got maybe one meal a day on those days... because mike couldn't be bothered to take care of his sick wife.

I've already gotten Mike his valentines day card... actually I got him two and already gave him the first one... and I bought him a gift as well. I don't know why I bother... I know come valentines day he'll have nothing for me... and tell me that we can't afford it and blah blah blah... while he turns around and buys himself a new video game with the money he said he didn't have to get me anything.

Or... he'll claim that he had something in mind but because I "Said something" he wont do it now or some such bullshit. *sighs and bangs head against the wall slowly* okay no things are not great... I've tried to have conversations to help strengthen our relationship and instead they turn into arguments.

I tell him that one way to keep relationships strong is that each partner lets the other know how much they appreciate each other and everything there is to appreciate in each other... I told him I appreciated all the work he did around the house, taking care of Scott and such...

and he turns around and says "You have nothing for me to appreciate." ... and um... YAH I started crying cause... GOD that hurt. I compliment you... tell you that I appreciate you and everything you do and you turn around and tell me I'm a piece of shit? and then to add insult to injury as I walked around to shut myself in the room he follows me with the comment "Should I thank you for breathing? I don't know what you want me to thank you for."

The only thing he seems to be good at is a better father than his own... at least right now... because as a husband he is terrible. He never thinks about me, or is considerate of my feelings... But he himself said I am always thoughtful and considerate and getting him thoughtful small gifts here and there... and then I tell him "Nudge nudge wink wink" I'd really appreciate it if you would do things like that for me. "Well stop spending money on me so I CAN do that" he says... HA! every time... EVERY time he has gotten money to spend... he spends it on himself.

He thinks everything I do I am "Obligated" to do and so there is nothing to be thankful for... That alone makes me want to leave. *sighs*

Why is it that he listens to the counselor more than he does to me? The counselor literally repeats what I asked to Mike and THEN mike actually listens to it... I've proven time and time again that I listen to mike, that I hear what he is saying... but he has never proven that he listens to me. Did I mention that he didn't get me anything for Christmas? While I bought him several gifts? I pointed out several ideas to him, but instead he sells a game and buys a game for himself... and I'm left with nothing...

I think my husband treats me worse than he treats other people! WHY do I put up with this?

I mean Dammit I'm getting better in bed, I'm learning new things... and FUCK! I gave him a random strip tease dance for no fucking reason, gave him a lap dance. hell even had sex on the table... >.> okay yah that was fun. *giggles* There is just something to be said with your butt sitting on the end of a table, back arched, and legs wrapped around a mans hips as he thrusts into you that is... so... so sexy.

Anyways I go out of my way for him and yet in return... I get ignored... I get nothing... It hurts... It hurts a lot. I try to help cheer him up... I do so many things with him to try and help him feel better... but he does nothing and thinks of nothing but himself... and it hurts... it hurts a lot... Where was this husband that promised to make things work...

As soon as he felt confident that he didn't need to work to keep me anymore he just went back to ignoring me again...

... I try not to focus on it though... I try to focus on the love and comfort I feel at home... did I mention I sleep alone in my bed every night? It gets lonely in there at night... yes I know Mike snores really loud... but I don't like sleeping alone in my bed... and yet even after saying that... he still sleeps on the couch.

I do wonder sometimes if he's cheating on me... *sighs and shrugs* fine... he can cheat on me and eventually leave me... or not even admit to it and eventually leave me... I'll figure out what to do... even if it means depending on others for help.