Space Station

I had such a crazy dream last night… and the majority of the last part of it evolved around Chad. I was on a space station, where the majority of everyone had become turned into green moaning zombies. A small group of us were fine, part of that saved to a brother and sister (I think) who had access to magic. The guy had been playing the violin which had somehow created a magical barrier between whatever it was that was turning people into zombies. 

It didn’t take long for us to easily take out the Zombies, and this small group of us found ourselves in control of this huge space station. There had been two people that we found that the siblings were more than willing to bring back to life with little to no issue. We all had participated in the ceremony to bring the people back to life. 

It wasn’t until our station was invaded by the son or nephew of this rich guy… I think perhaps he owned the station, before it had been hit with the zombie curse. So this hot handsome guy, dressed all in black with two swords, and one smaller one, plus a dagger came bursting in. I was supposed to kill this guy but I had no weapons of any kind.

Right off the bat he sliced me up really good. Cutting his swords into my chest and down along my side, while I managed to get a dagger. He suddenly stopped trying to hurt me as if he had realized something, and in that moment as he paused I stabbed him in the gut with his dagger. I watched as he fell back and it was then that I realized who I had just stabbed… and suddenly all the cuts and wounds I had just sustained meant absolutely nothing to me.  I watched as my stab slowly killed Chad before my very eyes… 

I couldn’t realize what I had done… and while my friends congratulated me for killing him I turned to them and begged them to bring him back to life. They were very uncertain about doing such a thing, that was until they pulled his swords off of him and realized his two swords were tipped with so much blood… and discovered that I had been horribly wounded as well. I refused to let them heal me or patch me up until Chad had been brought back to life.

They still dragged their feet about it but I think worry about my own health is what finally convinced them to do it… It was then that I discovered that the siblings gave up a small part of their soul to bring people back to life and even then it wasn’t completely certain that it would work. I told them I would give up part of my soul for his life instead. 

I realized then that I would give up everything for him… my life, my happiness, my very soul… I know it sounds stupid… especially for a man who wants nothing to do with me anymore… but it doesn’t matter. I love him and I will give up everything for him if he needed it of me.

During the ritual to bring him back to life I focused everything I had to bring him back to life, closing my eyes as I willed everything of me to bring him back… I could feel tears on my cheeks hoping and praying that it would work… when suddenly I passed out…

Perhaps the loss of blood had finally gotten to me… or perhaps giving up part of my soul for the first time was just too much for me to handle… But either way… I woke up then. I don’t know if it worked… I wish I knew.

 I also have something that seem to be filling my thoughts often as of late… It’s crazy too because… I don’t WANT to loose everything. I do love my husband even if he will never be or love me the way I think I deserve… to be honest when I met him I thought that the way he treated me was the kind of love I deserved… it’s only taken many years later for me to realize that I deserve so much more than I give myself credit for. 

I DO deserve the man of my dreams, my soul mate… I deserve a man who surprises me with small romantic gestures all the time. Who opens the door for me, who buys me flowers for no damned reason other than to make me smile. I deserve a man who would fight for me, who would lay his life on the line for mine. Who would drop everything to hold me when I cried, who wouldn’t tell me that my hurts were stupid or none important.

I deserve a man, a love, that would put me above himself just like I would for him. I deserve a man that I can trust, who I know will keep his promises. I deserve a man who makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world to him, more important than anything else in his life.

… and that isn’t Mike. It’s just not who he is… His father never showed him that kind of love and in fact he doesn’t even believe that such a person could even exist. He’s told me time and time again that the kind of love I think I deserve is the thing of legends and fairy tales. But I know he is wrong… why? Because that is the kind of love that my dad gave my mother… and he still does even today. My dad shows up out of nowhere for no reason what so ever to give her a bouquet of flowers.

But even with that example I began to believe that a person like that just didn’t exist… because he kept telling me over and over again that it wasn’t possible… *sigh*

Anyways… getting back on track here. My dream… is that I lose everything… My job, my home, my husband… I don’t know how exactly. Death, divorce, something that has me never see him again. And I lose my son to child services because I have no home and no way to buy him food and keep him safe and warm.

Which just isn’t fair… you know? How can it possibly be YOUR fault that life hands you such a horrible hand… It’s not as if it’s neglect on your end… and yet they will take your child away from you for just about any reason they can think of…

*sigh* anyways… I have lost everything… my life has fallen apart. I have a book in the process of being published but no idea how well that will go over or if I will even make anything from it. And I just fall apart as I try to figure out what I am going to do… I don’t know where I was because… well I was probably so upset and at a loss that anyone else around me would fade away as I felt so alone.

But then I hear Chad’s voice behind me saying “I’ll help” Everything goes numb and I stand there in shock, sure that I was dreaming or imagining things. It’s Chad? It can’t be chad… he… he told me he never wanted to see me again… I’m never going to see him again… I’ve forced myself to accept that fate as difficult as it has been to accept all these years.

But I have to know… just like every time I think I might see him around the corner… I have to know I have to look… I’d probably just have my heart sink again when I see that it isn’t Chad. Slowly I turn around, my eyes widening… I had only seen one or two pictures of him but I knew without a doubt that it was Chad…

That small tenuous hold I had on myself and on my emotions completely fall away and tears start falling freely, wetting my cheek as I see him in person for the first time ever, “Ch… Chad?” I asked him as tears and soft sobs shook my voice.

He didn’t say a word just wrapped his long strong arms around me and held me close to him my head resting against his chest as I wet his shirt with my tears. I clung to his shirt still shocked to find that I wasn’t dreaming and yet… it was so surreal that I still had trouble believing it. I lifted my head to look up at him, my eyes filled with tears and the first words to come from my lips, “Do you still want me?” I asked softly sniffling.

His arms tightened around me for a moment before he lets go of me and goes down to his knees in front of me. I’m utterly shocked as suddenly the most beautiful blue diamond I have ever seen appears before me as he tells me that he has never stopped loving me and staying away had been slowly eating away at his heart and his soul and that he would be the happiest man in the world if I would agree to marry him.

I burst into even more tears as I nodded my head enthusiastically. It’s crazy isn’t it… to imagine seeing Chad in real life for the first time and agreeing to marry him right then and there… but for him… I would. I’ve told my friends that when I fall in love with someone it is forever… and there are only two men that I have ever loved. One is my husband and the other is Chad… and I will never stop loving him. Even if he never loves me again, even if I never see him again… I will do anything I can for him with what little I have… I care if I never get anything back but that kind of sacrifice is worth it for him… Just to make him laugh would be a thrill for me.

I started crying last night though… as I drove home the radio began to play “God bless the broken road” and all I could see was me in a white dress and him in a tux, playing his guitar and singing this song to me… as I struggled not to cry with joy and happiness in front of everyone. And then later as I’m embarrassed at everyone’s eyes turned towards me, he cups my cheek lovingly and tells me to just focus on him and then his brown eyes are all I can focus on and the rest of the world disappears as I loose myself in his eyes and the love I see there…

God… why do I torment myself with THIS!? These dreams… these fantasy’s… they break my heart… I want them to happen so badly… and knowing that they never will… That I’ll never see him again or hear his voice or his laughter… or hear him with pain in his voice as he struggled not to cry… Hearing him tell me that he would never love again…

sob* This is never going to get easy is it… it’s almost been a year since I last spoke to him and it hurts just as bad now as it did then… I’ve just gotten more used to the fucking pain… but sometimes it’s still too much for me to not cry…