Apparently when I am tossing and turning in the middle of the night fighting a fever I have dreams of Chad because that is exactly what happened. The first one was me remembering a picture he had sent of himself so very very long ago. He had lost his shirt after getting pushed into the lake, and he told me that his knee had gotten bashed on the rocks underneath when it happened.
Remembering that picture I soon found my hands cupping his cheeks as I looked up into his eyes, and I remembered his voice... I remembered him telling me that he loved me... the little bits of peices of his voice that I can still remember I hold onto very tightly. Somedays I'll just be going about my everyday life and suddenly I'll remember his voice and I'll just want to cling to it and curl up in on myself hoping to never let it fade away from my memory.
... anyways as I was staring up into his eyes I found myself lost for words. His eyes had me mesmerized and I felt like a deer staring at a tiger that was poised and ready to pounce. Suddenly I found myself backing away from him... how do I explain how I felt... I was short of breath... my heart was beating a mile a minute and I knew that he could tear me to peices, eat me alive... anything he wanted to do to me.
I kept backing up until my back hit a wall behind me and he still kept coming, corning me against the wall. I tried to speak "I..." but that was all I could get out my voice lost in his possessive and preditory gaze. And then his lips were on mine and my arms wrapped around his shoulders, suddenly I found my legs wrapped around his waist as he devoured my lips. and I whispered against his lips how much I loved him. He could tear me apart, but instead he held me close... treasured me...
*cough* anyways... afterwords we began to talk about how we should probably hurry up as people were probably waiting on us. And I realized we were on a pleasure cruise... that's when I came out of my dream thinking "I've never even been on a pleasure boat..." but then I remembered many many years ago one of my second cousins had gotten married, and their reception had been held on a cruise ship, which was were I learned how to do the Macarena...
*sigh* then I just wondered why I tortured myself with these dreams, of things that would never happen and just hurt my heart... but I can't control my dreams... especially not feverish dreams. It will never get easier... I just have to accept that I will never stop loving him, never stop missing him... But... I'm not... I'm not a person worth fighting for. He moved on... too bad I can never do the same.
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