Reflect

As I reflect on my marriage, and on my past experiences... I start to wonder if I was ever really loved... I thought... I thought that when you loved someone you wanted to do everything you could to make them happy, because their laughter, their smile, brought joy to your heart...

But it seems I may have been the only one... All Mike has ever cared about was himself. He knows so little about me beyond what he has in common with me... I can't share my oppinions, my thoughts, the things that I care about or my interest... if it isn't something he likes... he not only does not want to hear about it, doesn't care... but often times he is so adamant against anything that is... me. That I wind up getting yelled and at emotionally... verbally beaten down. It happens still... I don't care if he says it's not who he is anymore... He did it just yesterday... er... thursday... when we drove to thanksgiving dinner.

I had read a book that Jamie had given me, called the Darwin awards, I'd only read two stories so far, and I had wanted to share the amusing stories with him. But all he heard was Darwin Awards... so of course... as I'm driving along he's blown up at me, yelling about how... apparently people will post stories about the Darwin awards online and say that "The world is going to end because of stupid people" ... he didn't even know that to be accepted into the Darwin awards, you have to have taken yourself out of the gene pool... yet he apparently knows so much about it....

He's so heavily opinionated that I can't share any of my opinions with him... When we work on a project, I share an idea with him on how to work on it... and he verbally beats me down telling me my idea is stupid and that he knows what's best.

Everything from magic, to the supernatural, to ghost hunting... to just my own oppinion on things such as bullying... He doesn't just do this with me but with other people as well. He dislikes my friends if they have different oppinions other than himself. He cares only about the people who do nice things for him, or give him things that he wants...

I see more and more of just how selfish he is. He insults my friends, my family, me... and if I face him about it he turns it around as if some how it's my fault... or that he's not really "That bad"

So... I wonder... how much does he even know about me? Or does he just "love me" because of what I do for him... Because I tried to make him happy... So often I've found myself with friends who so quickly toss me aside when I have nothing left to offer them... and when I reflect on it I realize they had never cared about me... my feelings... if I was hurting or if I needed help. So I've kept how I felt locked up, only to be able to write it down since... well, no body fucking cares...

So often Mike accused me of not really loving him but the idea of love... I'll admit some times he accuses me of things and he is actually correct... but in this instance he has never been right. It took a while for me to finally admit to it but when I told him I didn't love him anymore, I didn't hide that fact anymore. and I've tried to love him again... in a small way I have... but a part of me still hates him. For all the times he's hurt me... tore my dreams away telling me they were stupid and not possible... For the many... many times that he had me in tears and he would just keep pushing, putting me down, excusing away his behavior as it some how being my fault... and I just stand there and take it and cry...

a few weeks back... I was angry... Since in my parents house hold when someone is obviously angry, you avoid them until they calm down so you can discuss what ever has angered them calmly... or they deal with the situation and are no longer angry. The most I ever did when someone was angry was come up to them and give them a hug... okay so I would sometimes try to do more but that would usually end up with my head getting chewed off.

And I was angry at Mike... it was really both our faults but at the time logic refused to play any part in it... either way... he began to yell...and I began to cry... I was done, I had to go to work and I wasn't going to deal with it anymore... And he bared the door refusing to let me leave.... that was the only time I raised my voice... to tell him to let me go.

*Sigh* yah... I cried the whole way to work... anti depressants only do so much to make this marriage bearable... The truth is that I will never love Mike the way I used to... I see so many of his flaws... can't ignore or excuse away his actions or the way he treats me anymore...

People use me... and toss me aside... Does anyone even care about how I really feel? Or just that I am an ear to listen? Someone to offer them comfort when they need it... The second I found out Jamie's grandmother had died I picked up the phone and called her.

... and I can't stop loving Chad, or missing him... There's just been this big gaping hole in my heart... this pain in my chest that wont go away... I'll just be... minding my own buisness... taking a bath or something and a thought will flit across my mind "I miss chad..." and suddenly I am in tears, and all the walls I pulled up to try and bear it fall down. And once again I'm broken...

I never want to tell Mike why I'm crying when that happens... how are you supposed to tell them you love someone else... That you gave up your soul mate to make them happy? (I probably shouldn't say that... but dammit that's how I feel!) To try and keep your marriage and your family together... and that I miss him...

Sometimes I lay down to close my eyes I hear his voice in my mind... and he's all I can think of. And I try... God how I try... The book I've been writing has helped a little... some times I can associate chad and my thoughts of him with the character Remy...

But when I wrote about Trish telling Rem, how he was like her sunshine... how she felt like she was cold and numb until he is there, warming her all the way to her heart and soul...

Mike wants me to believe that he just used me... Someone to get his rocks off on, Someone to comfort him and take care of him when his girlfriend left him, and someone to hurt and tear apart just like his girlfriend had done him...

If I listen to my head... he's right... but when I listen to my heart... well there is a reason I constantly have internal debate when it comes to Chad... I don't think I'll ever be able to convince myself that he just tried to hurt me and use me, and then tossed me aside when I wasn't fun anymore...

But I really am an idiot... because I just keep letting people use me and hurt me... over and over again. Until I'm so stuck trying to make everyone else happy that I loose myself, broken inside and crying in silence where no one can find me... And I'm too stubborn to stop...

RinRin has been... in a way helpful... He's such a cuddly and friendly kitten, he is often demanding attention of me, head butting my hand... when I don't give him petties he starts to head butt my head and face... he's a dork. A sweety but a dork. The first time I brought him home, I curled up with him in bed, listening to his purring lull me to sleep...

He's still very young right now and very playful so it's a little difficult to get him to calm down and snuggle with me right now.

Also I drive myself crazy, hoping that he's watching me from a distance... Chad that is. I dreamt about him a while ago... he was a teacher as this school I was going to. He wasn't my teacher but he knew about this subject better than I did... and I couldn't understand the subject from my teacher so I went to him... also secretly hoping just to spend more time with him...

I looked him in the eyes looking at his face, all of him and told him "I like you" not just referring to my feelings for him but that I truly thought he was handsome... Even if others didn't, including himself, I did.

He blushed, but told me that we had to stay away from each other, and I knew the reason why. I knew... but it didn't stop me from being sad... Sometimes when I'm tempted to try and contact him... I remember the email he sent me... telling me that he had moved on, that I should too... and to leave him alone... just thinking about it hurts... but it's the only way I can seem to keep myself from trying to find him... I drive myself crazy wondering if I saw him at Winco... wishing that it was him... that he was some where near by...

Wishing that if I went hiking to the top of dog mountain this spring that some how I would see him there... I've caught myself wishing that I had just left Mike... that I had found a way to get those divorce papers... and kicked him out of the apartment... what is worse... is I'm starting to suspect he is cheating on me... he fought so hard to keep me and now he's cheating... I have no proof... I just... I suspect it.

He's grown distant even though I've stopped getting on Tera, even though I'm trying to spend more time with him. Giving him what he wanted... now he is pulling away. I knew he would...

I wish... I have some horrible wishes sometimes... sometimes horrible dreams... and it all circles around Chad... I have dreams that Mike is killed in a car crash... or a mugging.... or something. or that he leaves me suddenly for some rich beauty, and while I'm trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces... Wow I'm embarrassed to even write it out.

But then I wish for many things... I wish that I will finish my book and get it published... Not on Ebooks, but in actual books. I wish that they would be a hit and that I will write more books... I wish that I could go to Wales, and Scotland and visit all the castles and ruins... touch the stones, and just think on how things had been so very long ago...

sometimes I wish I hadn't made that promise to Chad, Sometimes I hadn't sworn to him that I wouldn't kill myself... Because sometimes... I wish I could just make the pain go away. Sometimes I'm tempted to just do it... thinking... "he said he's over me... he doesn't care... how would he find out anyways?"

I know... it's beyond selfish of me to want to take my life. To force my husband to fend for himself, no longer able to depend on me anymore. but then my son would be alone... my parents wouldn't adopt him. I know they wouldn't... Maybe Jamie would... who really knows?

Some times I feel like I'm already dead inside... why not make it true on the outside... I get so tired of smiling when I'm hurting inside... I'm so tired of trying to hide my tears from people who don't care... I'm so tired of keeping my thoughts, my opinions... all of me... bottled up so that I can please everybody else and no longer be me...

I'm tired of trying to live up to everyone else's expectations... Being what THEY want me to be... doing what they want me to do... You know one of the big reasons my husband tried so hard to keep me? Because he didn't want our old room mates in Florida to show him up. yah... because of... "appearances" he tried to keep me. Not because he loved me... but because he didn't want to look bad to people he barely even talks to anymore...

Oh and because he doesn't have a job, because he can't afford the apartment by himself... because he would become homeless and have to depend on his family or friends to take care of him... The only reason he even HAS a bloody place is because of me. He always depends on everybody else... not once has he ever had a place of his own, taken care of himself... he takes the shity barely paying enough jobs... and then lives under someone else's roof and gives excuses as to why he can never move into a place of his own.

And then on top of that, he's is so often accusing me of spending money left and right, and yet I watch him make such big purchases... any time I start to buy small things and he brings it up, I find alternative ways that cost much less, so as to save money... But there he is, buying games, and making grocery lists for me to buy things... and then suddenly when the money is nearly gone he attacks me as if some how it is my fault...

Maybe that's it... he doesn't want to ever take responsibility... he wants to do what ever he wants... heck he even goes to me and asks me if he can spend a large amount of money on one thing or another. if I tell him no... some times he will find alternative ways to get what he wants... yah I wish he'd go that far out of his way to... oh I don't know.

Show me some love... I don't know how many times I've asked him for some random flowers... for no reason other than just to cheer me up... He could go out of his way to try and bring a smile to my face... You know what. Then I might actually start to really love him again... but it's Mike. He never goes out of his way for anyone but himself.