Why is it so hard to let go? Is it because I don't know? Or is it that I don't want to know the truth until it's staring me right in the eyes... I've been told to go away, never talk to them again. and yet still I find myself looking them up, looking at pictures of them.. Even though I've deleted everything of them and I'm trying to move on...
some part of me still cant let go... and it drives me crazy. To the point that I want to curl up in within myself and just... sob... until my heart either fully breaks or some how magically heals... it's always going to be broken now...
I know... some how without a shadow of a doubt... that there will never be another. My husband and him will be the only two that I have ever loves and that I will ever love. Because no one will ever be him...
I haven't told my husband... and I'm sure he wont even read my story anyways... but my novel I am writing... Remy is based off of him. It helps a little... to take the memories I have of him and to put him into a fictional character...
And who knows... maybe I will make the 50k goal by the end of November. maybe Veroth, he's my toons mate in Tera, (IRL he's a quadriplegic. still wonder what it was about me that made him trust me with that info... since very little people in the guild know about it) will help me edit the story...
Maybe I'll find an agent... and get published... *chuckles* how nice would that be... that in a way... he helped me get published.
I'll admit I do love writing that book... because I love playing a character that gets to touch him... see him... even if he is a dragon. *Grins* I always did think of him as a golden Dragon....
It's a little silly I know but I've thought about getting this gold dragon statue... it's really spendy but absolutly beautiful... and giving it the name "Arimar" ... he'd be my golden dragon reminder...
He's part of the reason why my toons often wear gold... as a sort of reminder to him... Yah... I'm an idiot... I know.
things have gotten much better with my husband and I... not that things are fantastic... but the marriage counselor... learning to better communicate with each other... he was taking some anti depressants... left over pills that my dad had. But it... prolongs orgasm... my dad told me that was why he was thinking about switching... o.0 who creepy is it to have your dad tell you about his sex life...
yah that was... a BIT odd. lol. anyways that is why Mike stopped taking them... truth be told even though it was the meds it did make me wonder if there was something wrong with me... BUT I swear I've gotten even better... erm... *cough* in bed.
been trying different... things... some work, some don't... and I've been loosing weight... a lot of it really... I guess riding a bike at work for patrols has really helped me slim down. I'm now a size 16... were I used to be a size 22. here is hoping that I just keep slimming down until I am a size 8! that'd be... awesome. Smexy Michi! *pose* lol.
even though I'm still the only one working... I've been getting 40 hours a week lately... which has helped finances... and as silly as it sounds.... I really want to have another baby. I really want a little girl. but it isn't possible right now. 1 because I'm on birth control pills... and 2. because we couldn't afford to survive if I got pregnant. even if I worked until the day I went into labor there would still be 3 months in which I couldn't work... we'd loose our apartment and then were would we be? a newborn baby and a mommy out on the streets?
I know... life has been getting better... I'm even holding a game night tom morrow. a bunch of friends will be coming over and we'll play some board games... laugh... chat... maybe watch a movie... it was pretty awesomely fun last time we did it.
and yet despite all this... I can't seem to stop... and just think about him once and a while... think about what an idiot I was... how many mistakes I made... how I should have just kept my mouth shut and never said anything. Maybe then he'd still be my friend... maybe then he wouldn't be avoiding me... blocking me and doing anything he can to make it impossible for me to ever see him again...
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I'm such an idiot...
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