lost

my heart aches... and I am filled with feelings of sadness and hopelessness...
What do I do? ... I'm so lost and confused.
My husband has left me... and in his place is replaced with a child.
With all the selfishness of a child, uncaring for those he hurts and only concerned in there here and now.
Wanting only what will make him happy while leaving excuses for the things he does.

Everything will be normal when...
I'm this way because of this...
instead of doing he talks and whines and complains and explains that he is the way he is because... Sometimes he claims it's something I did but when I ask for specifics he tells me he can't remember.

What do I do with this child that I had thought a man?
Was he really ever an adult or did he just trick me with his acting and lies.
Even now I can't fully trust him...
He still seeks to fullfill himself with games and toys while he ignores the rest of the world.

Like a child he points at his small acomplishments and demands praise
while he sits lazilly back in his toys and complains that the world is not fair
and that is why he can't be the man I need him to be.

Maybe that is why I wake up so often to not find him near.
Maybe that is why during the day he is absent and lost in his bed.
I don't know why he lashes out in bursts of anger and then claims to know my heart
he is not blameless but still he blames me for his troubles.

What happened to the man I married years ago?
is there any trace of him left? or is he pushing me away like he did years ago?
why did he break my heart only to mend it and break it all over again...

everyday my heart dies a little more and inside I try not to care while
I cry myself to sleep or go day by day holding back my tears...
my friends they try to understand and offer advice... saddly nothing works
I've done everything I can think of and I wait and I try to be understandig...

and I try...
and I try...
I try...
god dammit.

I don't want my marriage to end... but it already has...
we just haven't admitted it yet.
sleeping in different beds, at odds more than in harmony
there is no partnership but rather two room mates living in the same house.