I'm torn... I want to post a link of my blog on my facebook page, I want to repost my post on facebook about crying and the hurtful and painful words from Mike. about how they seem to poison my mind, always at the back of my head telling me how horrible and pathetic I am. He's told me, while I was crying, that I always cry. I was crying because he had been yelling at me, putting me down while he tried to prove a point and be right. It hadn't started as an argument, but he turned it into one...
That's how things have been a lot lately. I wake up and I find myself being yelled at and being put down, I say something to him and he takes it the wrong way and blows up at me. I've come into the bedroom to take care of Scott and he tells me how I'm a horrible mother because I get myself ready to take care of him, which often takes hours, before I take of him which means he cries while I get ready. He yelled at me when my parents were here because I took advice from my mom about raising our son.
He yells at me and makes me feel bad for asking for him to watch Scott so I can take a break. He'll point out that while I spend all day taking care of Scott he helps out by bringing me things. Of course while I'm taking care of Scott he's off watching movies, playing video games, playing WOW and hanging out with his friends online. While I'm abandoned in the back room taking care of Scott. He was at least taking care of Scott while I slept but he doesn't really do that any more either. Every time Scott cried last night he brought Scott up to me and asked me to feed him.
Every time he has an excuse for why he is being so hurtful... there is hardly a kind word between us. He's always on the computer on WOW chatting with his friends with the head phones on, ignoring me. I have to yell or repeat myself constantly to finally get through to him through his head phones. Just tonight I tried to take a bath and I got jolted out of my bath as he bangs angrily on the wall asking me to take care of scott again. I hadn't even washed yet but he urged me to hurry...
The things forfront in his mind is his game, his son and his friends... and then me by proxy because I'm taking care of Scott. God why did I put myself in this situation? Why did I take him back after all the pain and suffering and heartache he had caused when we were just dating. He always had an excuse for what he was doing then too. He's also a very good and convincing lier. you've seen it first hand. How hard is it for him to come up with some lie about why he mistreats you. Just like he had an excuse for why he ignored and hurt you then.
Why did you stupidly marry him? He didn't even propose to you, it was something you just discussed. he doesn't defend you against his family, half the time he doesn't even listen to you especially if it's against what he wants or stubbornly wants to hold on to. Every day he has some kind of put down for you, every day it's one argument or the other over something so small but he doesn't want to let it go, his voice raises and you always end up in tears... and he makes you feel even lower for crying when he hurts you.
He yells at me for asking him for help when I'm taking care of Scott, he yells at me when I don't ask for help. He yells at me when I'm trying to sleep, putting me down once more because I have trouble sleeping when he's making loud ratteling noises and waking me up to feed the baby. Even though I'm sick as well all he focuses on is how sick he is, how he is sicker than me... He's got to be better, bigger, has to make himself feel better by putting me down.
I knew he was verbally abusive... so why did i take him back? Is it because I grew up with it, is it because I'm so used to my mother being verbally abusive that I'll go back to a verbally abusive boyfriend and then end up stupidly marrying him. Now that we have a child it's all the more harder to leave. Also lack of funds makes it pretty hard to get away as well. I may have a car but not enough gas to drive back home. I've been thinking of going to a homeless shelter... but I think they would take Scott away from me because I don't have a home. I don't want to leave Scott here though... not in this house.
The only other escape I can think of... is one that I would hope and pray that god would forgive me for. The sad thing is that even if I ran away the poisonus words would still be there, still hurting me, still putting me down... but at least there wouldn't be any new things for him to hurt me with. When I got pregnant, he yelled at me. Now that Scott is born, he yelled at me some more about me being a horrible mother. He puts me down for wanting a break away with some time to myself.
I want to go over to the bed right now and start hitting him with a pillow and telling him how I hate him for how much he hurts me. How his painful words wont go away, and they keep eating away at me hurting me more and more each day. So much so that I want to kill myself just to get away from him.
They say God doesn't give you something you can't handle... God I can't handle this... I can't keep doing this alone being hurt every day while I sit alone taking care of a baby in the back room ignored by every one except when they want to see the baby...
Can't I go free? I feel like Scott, money, and distance have chained me to the wall and from there I am tortured, whiped and poisoned. Mocked for my pain and tortured more until I'm nothing but a sad pathetic heap crying in the corner. Too afraid to reach out, ashamed to admit I stupidly married a man who hurts me so.
No comments:
Post a Comment