I can't really tell you why but I always end up in tears when I talk about god to others... I suppose in a way I'm a little jealous of others who have BIG personal experiences with god, where they see an angel or... something... I mean.. me? Nothing. Makes me think sometimes that compared to others... well you know. I'm not as important. It's hard on me when people tell me that God has good things in store for me...
It's hard to believe, I came here because I felt god had told me to... tell the truth I did think that I was going to end up pregnant when I came here. Have a child that would mean much more to god and his ministry then I ever will be...
Is it sad that sometimes I feel like god just sent me down here to abandon? that he had nothing of use for me and wanted to get rid of me. That's why I've been struggling day by day for everything. For a job, for a home... dealing with being bullied left and right from one person after the other. My health has been getting steadily worse as I get older. I used to never be sick for all that long when I was a child and now I can never get this cough out of my lungs. it takes months before I can stop coughing.
my diet and my health is horrible for my child... and then all this cig smoke that I've had to suffer through almost since the day I moved down to Florida... I'm afraid for my lungs AND my baby.
Lately we've been trying to get a place to live in. We've really wanted to move into a rent to own trailer for the longest time. and finally a man named Junior is selling this three bedroom, two bath, double wide trailer opened up. for 675$ a month. We jumped at the chance, especially after we checked the place out. but it looks like it's not going to happen, which is pretty saddening.
But the guy who is moving into the trailer we really wanted, is moving out of a place that is nearer where we live now, it's a single wide two bedroom one bath trailer for 229.49$ a month. MUCH more easily affordable even IF I loose my unemployment. *Cross fingers* if we get food stamps and medicaid then it would be even easier to afford this place. And then we can always move out.
But... I just... I've gotten so used to being hurt and nothing going right. I want to believe that God is looking out for us. That we can get insurance and new tags on the car for not too much. that we can find and get applied for the programs that would help us make it through everything that's been causing us to struggle so badly. Like the medical bills I owe.
it's always been one emergency after the other. Me trying to kill myself, going to my grandparents 50th anniversary and visiting with my family. Which cost us over 650$ dollars, not including gas and food.
Too bad it looks like mike is almost immediately going to say no because he wants a place closer to his friends. *sigh* ... I just... can't win...
Does god even love me anymore?
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