Maybe it's silly but I just write faster with the keyboard than I do with paper and pen. Plus it gets expensive journal after journal, but I can't seem to find a place that I can just write things out without my family getting a good look at it. Heck my friends probably shouldn't see it half the time... I say friends a bit loosely as they are all in Washington state while I'm stuck here in Tampa Florida.
Even though we keep in touch from time to time, long distance friendship just isn't easy. And honestly... I just don't have the gumption to go out of my way an initiate things with people. I'm not very social nor am I all that good with social situations. Even around my family, which is a very large family, I often hide in some room with a smaller group of family or just by myself. I've never been all that good with large groups not even large groups of people I know.
Considering how much of a NON social person I am I was very pleasantly surprised when my friends threw me a going away party. I didn't know they cared so much... I still wonder a little if it was just an excuse to have a party. *shrug* They took me to a nickle arcade where we all had a blast and I won a lava lamp. And then later we went to a bar and just hung out and talked. I was driven home so I had a few drinks.
Well anyways here in Florida... with my lack of social skills I've been pretty depressed and lonely. I got married to a great guy (dated 5 almost 6 years?) but it's been one bad living situation after the other. First we stayed with the couple Hail and Carry. They had a friend Sara sleeping on one couch. A little boy Drake, sleeping on a cot just outside their bedroom. They would have Sara act as a babysitter since she had no job and wasn't paying rent. She was an ex con for possession of Pot.
We shared the living room with her, Drake, and the whacked out cat that most definitely had fleas. We put up some curtains and set up a sorta room of our own in the living room but still it wasn't that great since it was just curtains holding everyone else back. There was no sound barrier separating us from everyone else. Hail was a complete Bully and would turn on me and make me feel like crap when ever he could. Throw his weight around like he owned the place (he didn't. Carry did. he was just her on and off again BF) Ooooh good lord don't even get me started on when they had sex. NOT QUITE. the whole house reverberated with it.
The worst time ever was when I came home early from work sick. Drake tried to pull on the curtains and almost had the metal bars come fall on his head. I told him no, and Hail starts screaming at me not to yell at "his son" (let me get this strait real quick. Drake is definitely NOT his son not legally or biologically) I tried to explain to him what was going on but he didn't care, just kept yelling at me that it was HIS house and that I had to do things HIS way. So... pissed off I asked him "Why?" he shoved his face right in mine and started yelling... hell by this time I didn't understand him. I was sick and shaking with fever at the time. When mike came home (Hubby, at the time BF) he was fucking PISSED.
Needless to say we got out of there as soon as we possibly could. We moved in with a couple, Tom and Mel. They seemed okay for the most part. A few little details about how they raised their kids and how they didn't fulfill their half of the bargain when it came to cleaning up. But other than that not too bad. Sometimes we'd share meals with them and vice versa. But then one day this girl Tara, who had gone to school with Mike shows up. She starts sleeping on the couch, with her several month old baby Emerald sleeping in the kids room. She was married but didn't want to be...
And apparently she had a crush on Mike and wanted me OUT of the picture. Not a fun situation. She treated me just fine in front of people but when no one else was around she was a Capitol B towards me. Despite my attempts to be nice. Made me a little happy when she over heard Mike and I during a love session and she stormed around in the living room all pissed off. No matter how many times we explained to her that he just wasn't interested she wouldn't get off it.
Basically the thing that was annoying the most at Tom and Mel's was that they almost always had people sleeping on their couch. Almost all of them were A holes and made living there a nightmare. The worst person of all though was Mels mother, she started turning Mel and Tom against us. Telling them these lies and shit, and you can admit a little bit that the woman was Mel's mom so she would be more willing to listen to her. But... basically she quickly made things worse and worse that finally we couldn't take it. We had been trying to save up for an apartment of our own but things just didn't work out.
We found ourselves sleeping in the Closet of mikes dad's place. *big deep sigh* A two bedroom apartment with six people living in it... Mike and I in the closet, Mike's dad in one bedroom, Alicia (Mikes sis) in the other room. And two downright horrible douche bags on the couch in the living room. Kenny and Tina... Pot heads, dipshits, stupid as all hell. And have no care for anybody else's property or items. It's so bad that I'm usually hiding in the closet we call a room. I really did not want to invite them to our wedding. I really didn't.
We've been stuck here in this living situation for nearly a year now. Thanks to three jerk wads at what used to be my job. Crystal and Hope, and then Brian Fisher. (any of you ever meet him? Give him a good kick to the shins and run. he's a two face lair) Okay situation there, Hope, who is the Best friend of Crystal, the onsite supervisor. (It's more a title than a position of power) ended up striking me. Knowing that the two were BFF's and from testemonial from everyone else at the work site. I went above crystals head to report the issue. Of course Crystals not pleased her BFF's in BIG trouble and she wasn't able to keep it quite before it became an issue. Honestly almost nothing was done as punishment and I lean a lot of that on Crystals shoulders.
Well after that situation I was harassed by the two constantly. I tried reporting it to Brain who was the guy in charge of all Mosaic work sites. He didn't do anything about it. But then I can't say much since he was the guy who threatened to fire me if I didn't pay for my TWIC card. Which is a card you are required by law to have in order to enter a Port. He would nit pic on any tiny thing. I go home early because I'm sick, he considered an entire day as a sick day off. I show up late (Happened ONCE) and that's counted as a missed day of work. That kinda thing. He would purposfully push things to be worse than they really were. And what really gets me...
Is that Hope and Crystal are CONSTANTLY showing up to work late. 10 to 15 minutes sometimes as much as half an hour. And you can't go home until they show up. I'd call the office to see what's going on and both of them would claim they were already there. That might be another reason they pushed so hard to get rid of me. Finally the straw that broke the camels backs.
It's a warm Florida morning, my hubby and I share just one car and he needs to go to work. So I wake up sleepily, throw on my hoody (still wearing PJ's) and drive him to work. On the way home my rear tire literally rips to shreds on the freeway. I have no phone, I'm in my freaking PJ's and I'm on the side of the freeway. I had a class to go to for work that day and then work later at 10. After the long treck home, I called work told them the situation. I asked around with the people I was living with if I could get a ride to work. An HOUR before work I finally am offered a car. So I call work and say "Hey I found a car so if it's okay I'd like to go into work"
They say "No don't bother. It's too much of a HASSLE to let people know not to cover your shift"
... I mean really... huh? This was Brian telling the new supervisor to tell me this even. The next day early in the morning I'm asked to come into work. I borrow my father in laws vehicle and drive up to work where I am presently fired. Hope and Crystal are there laughing and making sniping comments the whole time. Well I cry the whole way home, curl up in bed and cry more. I knew there had been nothing I could have done to change the situation but it still hurt...
so... months later, app after app and NOBODY IS HIRING! hell you'd think with a security license and a Twic card to boot that SOMEBODY would hire you right? WRONG! I've tried everything I can think of and nodda. Oh and don't get me started on the whole nightmare of finally getting unemployment. Securitas fought me every inch of the way. Even after unemployment ruled in my favor they still tried to fight it.
The situation has been getting steadily worse. Living situation and financial issues are having a huge strain on Mike and I's relationship. I've been forced to take antidepressants and I even tried to kill myself at one point... heck I'd been tempted to do it for a long time now. It was a BAD failed attempt and now I owe the hospital over 1 grand in hospital bills.
Oh and now I'm a month and a half pregnant. We were using protection, I'd been afraid to use Birth control pills since my mother had heart attacks when she took them. So I was afraid the allergy to them ran in the family. I'm the one most like my mother. So now... finances have taken an even bigger turn for the worst... NO medical insurance, a child on the way. No job and not even a phone call in site. I've been looking for programs for expectant mothers, I'd been told that they exist... Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places but I can't find any...
AS much as I've always wanted a kid. I didn't want one now... not while everything is falling apart around me. I can't even afford myself let alone a kid. Mike hasn't taken the news well... he wanted me to give it up for adoption but I told him I refused. I can't attempt to kill myself when there is someone else to worry about. That's about the only good news it brings... Other than it just means that Mike and I are never going to get some time to each other to nurture this relationship. We have yet to live in a place were it's just the two of us. No outside interference trying to tell us how to live.
This haven't been easy and now they are getting even harder than before... I know she's only 6 weeks along which means it's still really easy to loose her... but I don't know if I could handle loosing her on top of everything else. I know it's weird... we can't afford her and it was a complete accident that she even came to be but I'm already attached to her. I know how much harder it's going to make things but I don't want to loose her. (her being the baby)
in a little less than a week I'm going to be flying up to Washington to spend time with family and friends. It's my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. Mike and I thought everything was going to be just fine and dandy about his vacation time... but... I guess things got mixed up or something? He called HR and apparently he's not going to get his paid vacation days until June. So for the whole week we are gone he will not get paid. Like we had thought. We thought finances would be okay... but we were wrong. It's been a strougle... specially with him getting less and less hours. His store has been switched out with manager after manager and he's been promised to be trained to be the assistant manager a dozen times. Heck he's been trained to be one at least twice now and has acted as one before. But still no one will promote him to assistant.
We want to get out of this hell hole. Heck I want to move back to Washington. The people are nicer there. I have friends there, so if things just get too bad and I need somewhere to run off to I have a friend I can harass and cry on their shoulder until I feel better. I'd be around family, who would help me out. Just with little things but it's those little things when needed the most that mean so much. I've been homesick since the moment I moved down here and I still haven't gotten over it.
NO amount of prayers have helped... I've lost hope so many times... I wind up staring at the ceiling wishing I'd disappear. I've also wished on this little framed picture of a fake 1 million dollar bill. And wished that I would win or receive that much. at once or within a year. I'd put serious thought into it too.
Pay off all my medical bills. get my credit and Mikes credit back in the green. Pay my dad back and then some for the money he's lent me. give Mikes dad some money as thanks for putting up with us for so long. (Get Kenny and Tina thrown in jail for possession of pot? ... I wish, but apparently it's not that big of a deal down here unless they have uber large quantities of it. and they don't)
Move back to Washington, buy a decent repossessed house. Go back to college and get my bachelors degree. Got my associates but it doesn't really help much in getting a job. Have Mike go to college too, and find the kinda careers that we would really love. Oh... right and since we have a baby... um... get "Baby learns to read" so she/he can start to learn early. Spend lots of time with him/her when we can and bug my cousin Tara to watch her when we are at class or work.
I'd also probably get the "total Gym" so that after the baby was born I could work off all the baby fat and get into good shape. Since I'm already pretty badly over weight. The whole depression thing hasn't helped any. I'd get it now if I could but we have no space in a closet nor the free money to spend on it.
So that's the sum up of my life right now... I guess I might write more later. Ja
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